Wooo

Echoes of the rainbow

2012-02-15T17:32:00.000+08:00

As you can see, I never fail to not write on valentines day. No, it's not that I'm too busy celebrating it. It's just that I am too busy not celebrating it.
Who the heck is valentine anyways? His name sounds like some italian gigolo or pervert. No offense at all. I'm sure he wouldn't take it to heart. He's a lover. He spreads love. Along with love, he spreads STDs too. So, beware.

No, don't misjudge me. I'm not putting down the man just because I didn't have a valentines date last night. It's true, I've never had a valentines date before. But it's only because I'm too busy minding my own stuff. Besides, valentines is stupid. It doesn't produce an off day, like a holiday should, for us working class heroes. So we shouldn't care too much about it. Or at all.
If you love someone, it shouldn't depend on the day or which day of the week. It should be everyday. Therefore, valentines day is as redundant as burger stands in a fast food restaurant. Sorry for the analogy. I'm kinda feeling hungry right now.
Speaking of hungry, do you know I eat 4 times a day now? I know. I'm beginning to turn into snorlax. Although i don't sleep as much as that greedy bastard. But yes, it's 8 months, I have gained 12.5kg. Not a bad return for someone who use to skip a meal because he's too sad to eat. Yea he just feasts on tears. He's a good guy though we all know that.

Now, if the words of the mayan people are to be believed, the yesterday should be the last valentines day ever. Not that I give a damn at all. I'm just letting you lovers out there know. You may have went out with her last night. But you are going out with someone else tonight. Asshole.
I recently set a picture of julie as my phones wallpaper. When a friend of mine called just now, her picture came up & I suddenly became nervous as I thought it was her calling. How stupidly dumb. I'm a twat.

It's a spell cast on me no doubt. How can someone be as luckless as me in love without any rhyme or reason? I'm pleading here. Break this damn curse. I know you are the only one who can, love.

A justice upholder's blues

2012-02-13T11:08:00.000+08:00

Girls always misinterpret my actions. When I ignore them, it doesn't mean I don't want to talk to them. It's just that i don't want to see their faces. But since they are already there & they just won't get out of my face, I'll have no choice but to reciprocate when they start to talk to me. Here's another popular misconception. I would usually answer them with dead end answers. That's correct. I always leave them wondering what to say next. Again, it's not that I don't like to talk to them. Yes. I love talking to girls. Especially when they do all the talking. Sorry. I mean, I just like to have the last say. & usually I win. Because they never talk me again. It that even winning then? Who cares??!

Everyone I know has the same perception of me. They say I'm a useless piece of trash. I'll never amount to anything. They even say that associating me with trash is an insult to trash. That's because of this saying. "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Trash can sometimes mean something to someone. Especially to hobos. But me, even trash trashes me. Hobos look at me wondering why this crappy thing isn't in the incinerator. It's sad, I know. But I've learnt to deal with these kind of setbacks. I've built this mentality to bypass every negative shit in life. Those guys who look at me & have steamroller in their minds next are people I like to call redundant, in my life. All I care about from now to possibly the end of my life is finding my soulmate. Yeap. The one who shares half of my soul.

So there's a new movie coming out soon that I find intriguing. It's not always that I anticipate movies. Steve carell & Keira knightley will star in this romantic movie called 'seeking a friend for the end of the world.' Yeah I know. It's kinda like my predicament. Apparently, the character Steve carell will be potraying looks for his old sweetheart just before the end of the world. In that movie, the end of the world was gonna happen thanks to a stray asteroid bound for earth. It's pretty much like what I am doing. Trying to get my other half before everything ends. Maybe this movie will give me an idea as to how I can achieve that seemingly lost cause of a hope. That is the only thing keeping me alive. I have nothing else in life. But yet, hope keeps lying to me. All of them turn out to be false. Sob.

He can show you the world, he can do so much. He has a nifty car, lots of money, a big mansion & a whole lot of girls lining up outside his door.
Many moons i had this life to lead as a millionaire.
Many times i left it all just lying back there.

I vanquished the thought of becoming a millionaire after I realized that it wasn't gonna so me any good. A rich life is indeed a quite comforting one but it destroys people. That's what money does. & no, this is not an excuse. I can become rich if I want to. Bleargh.
I just want a happy life. With the one I love. But, it seems these days I can't attract a beautiful woman if I don't have the greens. Typical. Which is why I don't seek for such creatures. I look for those with an awesome personality. Her looks will just be a bonus. If she is pretty.
So what do I mean by awesome? Well that's a good question. I guess it's impossible for me to list every single thing down here that makes a persons personality be considered awesome. But anyways, I'll just wait. Cause that's all I can do. & that's all I ever do. I'm good at it. It's the only thing I'm good at.

The life of a hero. Always misunderstood. It's fine though. We always prove the doubters wrong. That's our purpose of life. & also to find that right girl. Yea that's it.

Eye in the sky

2012-02-06T04:06:00.001+08:00

So I think I may have freaked some people out with my last post. I sounded like a maniac being so obsessed with something that's so damn out of my reach. But dang that, I got to touch her hand. She's not as far away as you think. & I'm sounding like a psycho stalker again. I deeply regret this. Let me sincerely apologize. You see, I don't wanna be like this one dude who was there with me on that Saturday. He looked like he was capable of doing anything to Julie at any point of time. I was of course prepared. As a cop, you have to expect the worse. If it doesn't happen, you'd have something to be relieved about. That is why I always am pessimistic. It's all part of being optimistic. It's a whole new level of intellectuality here. Yea thanks.
Anyways, that strange aforementioned dude knew so much about her. He simply knew the answers to all the questions she asked. What's more puzzling is he had been very quiet all those while before that Q&A session. By the way, those questions were all Julie related. That was why I got worried. & the way he looked at her, I thought he was never gonna let her leave his sight. I'm sure Julie felt that too but she can't voice it out. Afterall, that freak is her fan. So yes. He may have had plans to kidnap Julie. I just knew it. Because I did too. Of course I never got around to doing it. I'm a professional, you know. Well, luckily that didn't happen. She managed to leave the place safely. How did I know? Quality question. My buddy & i left the place a few seconds after her. We saw her walk away without any danger seemingly ready to strike. I got sad though as she went deeper & out of my sight. I wanted to tail her to see where she was going with my amazing stealth & detective skills but my friend didn't allow. I was like only wanna know where she stays. But yeah, he was right. We've got to respect her privacy. Sigh...

Enough of that. She's a tv star. There is no hell of a chance that I'll stand a chance. I can't even get to NAFA if I tried. I haven't if you didn't know. She studies there in fact.
I know even if it's not a celebrity, I wouldn't stand a ghost of a chance. I can't even get an average girl to like me. I have so many useless accomplishments that can never be on my CV. Up to date, I haven't achieved anything. She wants an ambitious man? I have seen myself shoot bullets in left4dead 2 so ambitious that they applied for Cambridge and Oxford and refused to select back-up universities. That's not good enough? Head shooting a zombie? I guessed as much.
Which is why I am trying to hook myself up on this gig. Becoming a detective. It's not easy. I have to prove myself for 5 years with the police force before trying to switch to CID. I tell you if I got into CID, that would be my biggest accomplishment. & the only one I believe. Because everything else won't matter anymore. Would celebrities like it? I don't know. But I don't care anymore. I'll be so obsessed with solving homicide cases that nothing else in this world means anything to me. Wooo. Deep. I'm not saying it because I have nothing else in mind. It's just that it's an interest. I truly don't believe there is no justice left in this world. I'll be God's messenger of truth. I'm just a servant of course but I'll bring light to every fishy conspiracy act. My friend told me I have talent for unwavering justice. So, I should put it to good use. It'd be wasted otherwise. & the best part is I'll be so preoccupied with work that I'll have no time to think about relationships. It's perfect ain't it? Strumming two chords with one guitar. Well that's my plan. If the world doesn't end by the 21st of December. My friend advised me to make one. I ever only planned my life till that date. If it doesn't happen, I would damn well just kill myself if I don't know what to do next.
Would anybody be proud of me then? I needed motivation. She gave me one. I thank her for this. Even if it isn't enough for me to win her. Everybody needs an achievement in life. Justice will be mine.

Underneath that megawatt smile lies a whole lot of untold pain that can be measured only with one meter rulers. Yes, the yellow ones we use in primary school. I wish I can be the one she'd confide to.

Barbiturates

2012-02-04T23:22:00.002+08:00

It's easy to like a girl for her looks. But what makes a guy stick around is her personality. I assure you that beauty without grey matter is like tea without sugar. It looks great & good enough to consume but when you take a sip, it tastes like shit. You'll throw it away wouldn't you? Of course you will. Asshole. For me, I just add 2 cubes of sugar. But that doesn't mean you can do the same to boring shits. Even painting a dull ass person a different color doesn't make them more interesting.

My name may be shit right now(or forever) but at least there isn't any in my hands so a hand shake perhaps? Thanks.
I got a great handshake once. It came today. Her hand was so smooth, I thought I was shaking hands with a snowman. Although she might have thought the same due to the temperature of my hand at that time. I was nervously holding on to a cup of bubble tea that had no more ice in it as they were all melted by the heat radiated from my palm. Yes. I was that nervous. I never felt the cold. If it was a chunk of ice that I was holding on to, with the temperature of -9 degrees, I'd already have a frostbite. As to why I would be holding on to a chunk of ice, only God knows.
So her hand was as smooth as snow. Not that I've felt real snow. I've touched fake snow. I can vouch for every single human living here in Singapore it doesn't even feel the same. I'm sure everyone of us has been to snow city to feel the artificial snow. I wouldn't if I had known they use an ice kacang machine to make them.
Somehow, from looking at snow from those movies & television shows, I can just make out how it really feels. I'm damn sure that's how her hand feels too. Julie Tan.

Girls without a great personality are only good for a night of rough & tumbling fun. I have no clue what it means but people tell me that alot so it's good enough to be written here. Those people are reliable douche-bags therefore, I believe they know what they're saying. It takes one to know one, I always say.

Just as how I can tell how snow feels from just looking at it, I could tell what kind of a person Julie is by just looking at her making her entry. It's like she brings dead things to life when she walks by them. A dark alley will turn bright. Hell is changed to heaven. Pretty much like a pure angel she is. I could also tell that she's not like all the pretty chinese girls I know. She will talk to me. Okay kidding. She looked like she has depth. I wasn't surprised when she started to speak. The truth is, pretty chinese girls never talked to me. There I've confessed. Today was a first. The thing is, I didn't mind those bitches not speaking to me all my life. I never felt the feeling of missing something in my life. Because all of them are the same. As I said, they lack depth. They say the most rubbishest things. Their personalities are what I would call & like to call, shit. Julie is what gold is to singapore. Scarce. She can also be barren land but what's important is I prove the point. She speaks English so well, I would have put my whole life savings on her being an American & lose them all. Well, I can go on & on the whole year talking about it but no one will understand. It's fine. I'll stop. She's what I would call the perfect girl.

Life is unfair. I can't even get an ugly girl with a personality as interesting as watching paint dry. Why can't I at least have one since I can't have the other? I know I'm in no position to attract a beauty so why can't I even attract someone with a beautiful personality?

She may smile & put a very happy front to us but I know deep down, she must have her own problems. Just as Mr Sanchez, my moral education teacher, once told me, "everyone has their own problems. If he or she doesn't, that person is not human." How perfectly right. That explains why I feel like an alien. I'm kidding. Of course I have problems. Why would I be blogging then? & isn't it too cool a name for a moral education teacher to have?
Anyways, if only there was like a private time for the two of us, I would ask her to level with me. She can share her problems with me. I'm a good listener. I don't judge. & most importantly, I answer questions with questions which makes a conversation last long. What else can I say? Oh, here something I can say. I would have, again, asked her that if I my voice would show up. It got so excited & nervous at the sight of her that it went to hide somewhere in between my left ventricle & my right atrium. Ah.
Did I mention, she sings too? Yes. I can make her sing my songs! If only I knew how. Well, at least the idea was there. Now, all I have to do is conjure up a plan & then find a way to execute it. Doesn't seem as hard as it sounds. It's all in the mind. & guess what? I'd even do a duet too!
She's one of the few I'd sing Ryan Cabrera's 'someday' to. & when the song 'someday' works, I'd sing her parachute's 'forever & always' next. Maybe when we are married. Is it a crime for geeks to have fantasies? Or should i say a plan? She lives in Singapore. She's more realistic than most of my awesome plans. They never work out but they are called 'plans' for a reason. Nothing goes to plan, like I've always said? I can't forget the way she looked at me when she talked to me. & how she had to translate what she said in chinese to me because I was the only Malay there. I felt so out of place but she made me feel at home. It's true what they say, home isn't a place. It's where your loved one is.
& there's something in the way she laughs. It makes me feel like a child. & just like a child to an arcade, no matter how much the machines take from him, he'd still be running back for more. That's how I feel about her. & that's how many words I had to type to prove this point. All from the first letter.

She's one of the girls that you just wanna protect from all the evil in this world. Bitches & skanks, of the shallow or arrogant kind, you'd just want them to be run over by a car or raped by a maniac & then slaughtered like 'The Black Dahlia'.

Nocturne for lovers

2012-02-02T11:36:00.002+08:00

Wow. I never thought I'd survive it. The operation procedure I mean. I actually thought of backing out at the last minute but that'll be just stupid. It shows weakness. & I'm not a weak bastard. I'm a real determined guy. I'm hardcore & I'm made of rock. So yes, it's not surprising when a lot of people call me a cold hearted stone.
The people who call me that are usually those who don't know me well. Or at all. They of course mean nothing to me. They mean to as much as a speck of dust on my photo frame. I can just simply brush them off aside without feeling remorseful or having any feelings at all. Yep.

The truth is, before I went into the operating theatre, I was a nervous wreck. I was so nervous, my body shaked like the bottle you shake bubble tea in when the auntie is on her period. The doctor had to comfort me with some very sweet words that would have made me kiss him if he was a girl. But he was an old man so I just pretend to ignore his words as though they were words of common knowledge. I take the credit because without my consent, I wouldn't have been able to relax myself. So I patted myself on the back. Imaginarily. My hands were tied down you know.
Soon, anesthetic was injected into the tube. I felt the effect almost instantaneously. My mind was swirling & I imagined naruto. The doctor didn't wait though. He stung my groin with the equipment & I felt some serious pain. But after that, I couldn't remember what happened. I knocked off like a can of sardines. I thought i was gonna die. No one ever ruined his eyesight by looking at the bright side of things but yeah, I wasn't even interested about my eyesight at that time. I was just interested in meeting Julie Tan, the actress on Saturday. So I can't die yet. I can die after the 4th.
Upon regaining consciousness, I felt quite a tingling pain in my groin area. After a while it became numb. I couldn't really move it. I was wheeled back in a gurney to my ward where a nurse changed my dressing. It was so embarrassing. I mean no girls have seen my tiny shaft before(being modest about it being tiny). & the young nurse became the lucky number one. It got even better for her. She got to touch it & then hold it because it was lying on the area she had to clean up & was in the way. Here's the perverted part. I almost got hard but luckily, she was done. I quickly pulled down my gown. Talk about close shave. I apologize for being such a maniac but never did I thought my wife wouldn't be the first to see & touch my wanker. It's mind blowing. I'm still in a state of shock as I'm penning this. Not literally penning it of course.

Although it was awkward, it kinda was a good experience. Did I mention, the nurse was cute as well? Now I have. Could this be fate? Could she maybe turn out to be my future wife? Will my virginity be in jeopardy today? Would i risk myself again for another such operation procedure just to experience everything once more? Tune in to find out.

P.S
I won't craft such an erotic entry anymore. I promise.

Sunset strip

2012-01-29T16:16:00.000+08:00

Whatever it is, no matter how unfair, he's got her. So in a way, he's better.

Ahhh. Whatever.

This isn't how I imagined my police career to be. When I joined the force as a cheap laborer, I thought I'd be doing crime fighting or drug busting. Never did I thought I'd be scanning papers & shredding them a minute after. & in my full uniform as well. It's stupid. If they're gonna make me wear this police uniform, the least they could do is let me do some patrolling or investigating. If that's too much to ask for then let me wear a tshirt & jeans to do paperwork. SPF are the dumbest organization ever.

Back to where I started. My buddy keeps saying how I'm a much better man than most men & that the girls who chose other men instead of me are at the losing end. I would like to concur but what prove is there? The thing is, these guys already have the girls so they are pretty much better. They are already the winner at this point. So yeah, what else is there to say?
But it's true. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Although all along, it is me who has been putting myself down. What the heck is my problem? This is self-doubt at it's very best. I can't even talk to a girl stuffs that make sense. All the things I say to the girls I like are senseless shits. I could train an army of red ants to march in single file before I could train myself to learn a proper set of words to say to the females I like.

So I'll be getting heart fixed this coming Wednesday. I somehow managed to postpone my operation date from December because it was supposed to be done on my leave day. All in a days work. They say I'll benefit from this little procedure. I beg to differ. If it fixes the dent and the crack on my heart, I'll say it would be beneficial. But it just takes out the fibers that give me episodes of palpitations. I know. What's the point. Well at least it's free.
Come to think of it, I should get whatever work I can get on my body since everything's free for me now. Maybe a little lip surgery? Or a chin implant? Anything to give me human looks? Yeah. Or at least make me look younger. I look so old you wouldn't believe that I don't work in an iffy garage underneath a railway arch. It gets worse. When I'm weary, i look like a father-of-four in an amusement arcade. You agree? Damn you. I'll give you a solid knee in the testicles.

The 'waking up early in the morning on a Sunday' face.

The beauty in pain. Or the pain in beauty.

2012-01-17T13:13:00.002+08:00

So what do we do? I don't know. By the time we're done thinking, it will all be gone.

There are only two things in this world that I ask for in this life. I'm sure by now, if you are an ardent follower of my blog page, you would have already known. So, I won't bother to jot it down here. Then what's the point of this entry you might ask? I'll tell you the whole damn point. It's the new year. I need something to write about. This one dimensional mind of mine has run out of things to rant about. I have finally run out of words. Written ones. Spoken ones have long been scarce. Not that I have anything to say. Especially about this evil world. But we all know I have no ardent followers. Why would anyone follow me? I'm not a leader. The only direction I go is down. Unless these people are stupid enough, I don't see why anyone would wanna be a part of my life.

Speaking of parts, have you heard about the girl who had to part ways with the guy she loved? Yea. It wasn't because she wanted to. Fate was cruel to her. That's not a plot from a soap opera episode mind you. If it was, it would have taken a whole season. Draggy & long winded I know. But what I just wrote is about the song that has been playing on my phone at least 200 times in the last 48 hours. The song is called 'forever & always' by parachute. It's such an emotionally monumental song. You can almost cry everytime you listen to it. But of course I don't. Or at least don't show it. I can't let this manly outer look hideously sissy. Yea. I just cry inside.
It will be a song which I'll sing to my love when I'm dying. Good point. How can I sing when I'm on the verge of death? I'll do all it takes. Doesn't matter if I sound deadly. Heh. Because there wouldn't be a difference.
I will use every ounce of what's left in me to leave a mark in her life. She'll be so touched & mesmerized at the same time that she wouldn't care about the window scratching like voice. We'll have some awkward moments & then I'll die. That sounds good.

Today, I'll be hitting the gym once again. I know. I never thought I could ever commit myself to something, video games aside. But yeah, it's quite an accomplishment. Although I've cut the frequency of my visits. Back when I was in camp, the gym was like my second home. My first home was my bunk. My home was my 3rd home. Exactly. It messed up my life, NS.
Well, today's trip is no more than for letting it all out. Venting your sadness on the machines is quite an effective way. I find that nothing beats dissipating sadness than asserting all your energy into bench-pressing. It's like converting your emotion into power. That makes sense right? Of course it does. At the end of the day, I'll be so shagged, even a crumpling rag doll can't hold a candle to my condition. I'll be whimpering like a whipped dog on the gym floor. & that's good because I can't think about anything. & when I can't, I won't be thinking about her. As pathetic as it may sound, I actually like that. Smooth.

Because opportunities moved us away

2011-12-25T00:47:00.001+08:00

So, I'm gonna be starting my white collar job next week. I know. How ridiculous is that? An NS man doing office work. What the hell did I train for the past 6 months for? I'll tell you what it is for. Nothing. Obviously.

As exasperated as I was, when I first learned about my posting, I was actually relieved I did not strike this one stupid vocation. The police coast guard that is. I know we need security for our coastlines but face it, being an officer that polices that waters is dumb. Add that to the fact that I get sea sick on boats and I have quite a reason to cross that job off my career list.
Hey dude. It's not as though I want be sick being floated on something on the water. I was born this way. Moving waters make me sick. Stagnant water is even worse. You guys should try that stupid Madagascar crate adventure ride. It's so dreadful, you'd never wanna have anything to do with Madagascar anymore. & woah, It feels good to criticize that damn ride. For almost a year & a half, I was part of that ride operating team. I know for more than a year, all I did was slack around & got paid for it. But for the 5 weeks that it was operational, I actually stood to it's defense when my friends from other rides told me how wonderfully boring it is. I wanna gleefully agree with them but the rule is that we have to stick to your side through thick & thin. I already got, almost, free money from the ride so yea why not stand up for it. Right now, I am no longer associated to it so I just wanna say it's the stinkiest ride in USS. To add on, I had to ride that shit for quite a hefty number of times when it was in testing mode during the testing period. It was pure torture. How bout once when we had to sit for 5 consecutive rounds just so they can test the sensors? Hell of a serious shit situation.

I think at times like this, it's safe to say I am a grown man. I actually prefer to sit at home & watch classic movies over counting down the hours to usher in the holidays. Yea I just found out how stupid it is going to countdowns. We wait for so long listening to people singing crap & talking nonsense & the actual countdown lasts just for like 12 seconds. 10 seconds to midnight & the two seconds of WOOO. Pfft.
I still can't believe 2012 is coming though. The day is soo near. But F that. I'll take one day at a time. I'll just forget we are running out of time. Anything to stop clockwatching.

I reckon when I go in on Tuesday, those people in there will be left tongue tied when pronouncing my name. No, I'm confident of it. My boss definitely will. Because he's a Chinese. He should be. & he's bound to have fantastic English. That's what our MP said. Anyways, my name is verbally a nightmare to most. Written wise, it's like Titus Bramble's defending. If you do not know who Titus bramble is, I suggest you google him out. He's practically the worst defender in the premier league history. He's a nightmare defender not for the opposing strikers but for his own team especially his own goalkeeper.
Well here's another great example. Twice, the article I wrote came with different names. But I don't care. As long as the message is clear. My name isn't important. Just the way I change the world.

Confession of pain

2011-12-22T20:20:00.000+08:00

The alarming rate time is passing. It seemed like last week that I wrote my closing post for last year. Wow.
I wanted the six months to pass fast to get out of camp but really, it ain't worth it. Now, there's only like a year & a few days before the end of time. NS seriously sucks.

Well I'm supposed to be going for a minor operation for my heart this week. But it's rescheduled thanks to this stupid course I am attending. Apparently, there's going to be little test on Friday. I was seriously stumped. It's an office job! What kind of etiquettes can we possibly learn? They say we have to do some bootlicking with the high ranking officers at our divisions. I was simply stunned. It's ludicrous. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not that kinda person. & I'm so indirect, I give oblique answers to direct questions. What the hell right?

So this little procedure is supposedly ending only part of my fragile heart's problems. Yeah. I've got that many problems. It's more to emotional issues. Physically, it is ravaged. Give me a little fist blow to my rib area & I'll crumple like a rag doll. & just like a rag doll, I'll be completely lifeless. Having said that, I seriously have no idea why I'm going for the surgery then. It doesn't seem like it will help much. But what the heck. I'm gonna get MCs so that's reason enough. That is if I make it through the whole procedure. If I do succumb to it, please do remember to invite her to my funeral. I've discussed with my buddy. If I were to die from this operation, which has a 0.01% chance of internal bleeding, vein rupture or death, he will throw a grand bash in honor of yours truly. A pity though that she will never know. This side of me that I don't show. See what I did there? That's part of that little side. It never saw the light of day. Nobody will ever know I guess. So, let's just let it sink into the lower depths of the sea. Let it drown along with my sorrows.
Alot of peoples been telling me God has plans for me. That these things don't turn out the way I want them to because He has better things in store for me. I can only wait and see. They say patient dudes reap the most reward. We'll see, we'll see.

If I'm sinking wider, why even bother?

2011-12-17T00:44:00.002+08:00

I've been browsing peoples blogs randomly & got quite a surprise. Shockingly, a typical person's post does not exceed 200 words. Well at least most of them. I switched windows & looked at mine. The amount of words in one of my posts can pretty much fill up a years worth of posts for your average normal being. Am I abnormal then? No. & here's why.

If I was abnormal, I wouldn't have a blog page. As simple as that. Which psychopath would open up a blog account & write about their daily kills? Now that is an abnormal bitch. Which is why we don't see this thing happening. I admit I'm a little weirder compared to others but I'll never be in the same group as them weirdos. They're simply too unique. You can't be them even if you tried. & why are you trying? Just because I made them sound cool, you wanna give it a go? You're so them. The one dimensional bunch. Following the flow blindly, taking the steps without even knowing if you'd ever be home.
Speaking of freaks, guess what? Wrong for the 300,497th time. See you can't read my mind. I'm finally out of camp! No more stay ins, no more shit to endure from people who are practically bowels in the form of humans & most importantly, no more 48 hours of freedom per week. Well I still have to work for them on weekdays 8-5 but yeap, still better. Seemed like yesterday that I just marched for the pass out parade. Well it was 7 days ago. How time flies when you're on holiday. It's not exactly a holiday as it's actually block leave but if you get to get away from a piece of shit routine, it sorta feels like honeymoon.

As always, you will only start to miss something when it's gone. I now feel the feeling of miss for my camp life. 6 months I call it home. Now, it's someone else's home. That damn barrack has no sense of sentimentalism has it? I even disowned my own home for a awhile to call it my home. Well whatever. It lets just about anyone in. It's as whorish as the whore next door.
I don't miss the training. Nor do I miss the place. Even more unlikely that I miss the damn FIs(friendly instructors). I just miss the life of living with 10 other men in a room. That sounds gay I know. But trust me, there's more to it. But at least now I know why gays are as they are. The company of men is quite warming. It's not the same as having girls for company. You can be intimate with men & not be sexually aroused. & I do not mean intimate as in sexually. Somehow with girls, according to many guys, a non sexual intimate session can turn into a sexual intercourse session. Just ask any girls here. Most of them know where I'm at. Alot of them have at least been pregnant once. Maybe not. Maybe at least a few sperms have gone into their system. That's not enough to get them pregnant of course. But damn, how did I get here? I sincerely apologize to the whores, skanks, bitches & sluts out there. I never meant to expose your wrongdoings. As true & loyal as I am to the justice upholder's cause, I would never bring down people who cause their own downfall. I can't arrest someone who shot themselves on the ass can I? Or someone who jumped into the hot lava of a volcano. Some rape victims deserves to be arrested. Yes, not the raper. The victim wears skimpy outfits or non visible skirts. She asked for it. Unless, she wears a Malay traditional scarf & one piece baju kurung dress. Then the rapist deserves to have a t-baton shoved up his ass.

Before I stray even further, I'd like to apologize again for apologizing but still going on. My rants don't deserve to be here. They deserve a better place. Hah.
Before I go, POP oh!

Hollow

2011-12-02T14:38:00.000+08:00

One more week! Or seven more days. Or 168 more hours! Orrrrr, 10080 minutes. Can be 604800 seconds, i don't care. Yes you can countdown in whatever way you deem wish. The point won't change. & the point is, POP! What does it mean to you?

Popcorn?

I humbly admit, i had no idea what that means before i was enlisted. I still have no idea what it stands for actually. But all that does not matter. They can call it anything they want as long as i get out of here.
I'm suprise that i survived all these months. Come to think of it, time has actually moved quite fast. Was it 6 months ago that i first came here? Yes of course fag. Although time seems to move slower when we're in here, the rate that time passes generally frightens me. It's just 13 more months to the apocalypse. & i still haven't done anything to repent. I have yet to even start. Ahhh. What's the point? I'll probably be misunderstood anyways. Might as well just not do anything. Maybe, in these next few months, i'll save a life or two & that'll be enough for redemption. It's not as though i killed someone anyways. I just did bad stuffs.

Lately, we've been watching alot of crimewatch. Or crimewatches. Nyah. The thing is, since it has something to do with the police, they feel that we'll benefit from it. Really makes sense. It's like training. They might as well make us watch CSI or hawaii five-o. I don't even know how i remembered the latter. Doesn't change the fact that it's a shit show. I mean crime & drama, they don't match. Why can't the producers produce something worthwhile & feasible? Like love stories & dramas? We need more of that. As exaggerated & fake as they may be, at least they aren't gruesome. Kids can learn to love instead of kill. Yea right. As though there isn't enough eligitimate kids around.

I pity the guys who act in crimewatch. Or any other crime re-enactment shows. They're not the real criminals as we all know but just because they acted as those corrupted bastards who were made as an example, they get hated. It's unfair. At the same time though, it's also funny.
Imagine you are the one. As you walk along the aisle of a supermarket, people start to talk. They whisper to their friends telling them you look like the guy in crimewatch. It's usually the old aunties. They never really understood the whole concept of crimewatch. The one they see on the screen is the wanted man. For sure. They missed out on the highlighted word on top of the screen. The word 're-enactment'. Don't be surprise when you see them in crimewatch the following month for wrongly assaulting an innocent man. They probably won't really assault. They'll pin that person down & smack him really hard in the hiny if he played the part of the serial rapist or molester. They'll then call for back up in the form of other old aunties. They will have a whacking feast that can't even compare to that candy donkey smacking birthday tradition which i don't even know how to spell. All these ruckus. & it all started with an acting job. & SPF. Pffttttttttt.

Forgot why i play this game i suck at

2011-11-27T23:42:00.000+08:00

Tonight, i just feel like writing pointless stuff. I'm tired of all the serious stuff of these recent weeks. I'm can't do it. It's not my nature. Seriousness is just something that will happen once in a blue moon. That is if blue moons actually exist. I think they are just myths. Like my existence. You can ask my old friends or schoolmates. Ask about me & they will go like, "who?" or, "oh you mean that guy? I thought he died halfway through the term." Yeas.

It's one disappoinment after the other. Just when you thought she would be the shining light, i was shone the battery. It was a form of evidence that showed it was fake. She, theoritically, was just a torch light. She beams but only to a certain extend. Unlike shining lights, torch lights die out. Now, she has. Another false hope. Pathetic shit i am.

How many girls do you wanna like Wan? How long till you realize that nothing would go your way you foolish bastard? Okay. It doesn't matter actually. They'll all won't matter after a few weeks. Cuz i won't mean anything to them. I never will. That is why i'm building a new mentality in me that's gonna show up all the past mentalities that i've preached & built.
Building mentalities are simple. It's like building a house of blocks. It's pretty but fragile. It can tumble down anytime. Even the slightest of fissures can bring it down. But who the hell has ever experienced a mini fissure? So you either glue those pieces of blocks together as a form of reinforcement to the believe or you scrap the idea away after someone says something bad about it. It's either you totally get into that believe or you get blown away after a while, as easy as that.

Now Wan, if only you were not me, i would have stabbed your head countlessly. I'd even slice your abs mutiple times. & yes, i won't forget hammering your balls till they are pulp. What's the point of having balls if you don't have the balls to do anything related to girls? It's just asking her out. You can do almost everything without thinking. But then i might ask, what's balls gotta do with having guts? It doesn't really make sense. But whatever. I'm done. What's the point man? I'm gonna stop writing about girls from tonight on. I don't wanna be the pathetic loser that i'm not. Well, at least in the cyber world where no one knows me.

On a totally different note, breaking dawn was awesome. It's real romantic. It's also sad at the same time. It's surreal. All of these descriptions combined is like the Rings in the captain planet cartoon when they come together. Magical. While those rings conjure up captain planet from nowhere, which is pure magic, breaking dawn drew a puddle of water around my eyeballs. They didn't drip down though so you can't call me a sissy. Actually, there's nothing with crying watching a chick flick. Most of them are emo. It shows i have emotions unlike some of those bastards who don't think twice about bitching others. As cold a stone as i am, i do have this soft spot. It's where all the love spores gather. It's the only spot that isn't subzero in temperature.
So much for the non serious post.

I do hope for my own bella swan someday. But in the form of alice cullen. She can ashley greene i don't care. What i care about is how she comes. Maybe she had already came through the back door. I did not know therefore she slipped right through. At plasma speed. You know how those vampires are. They travel like superman. Only super-er!

But i'm not like them

2011-11-25T11:48:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine knocked some real senses into me recently. It made so much sense, you can't bet your bottom dollar on it because you are gurantee to lose it. Yeap.

So, it started off with this issue we had about the girls of today. We both agreed & came to the conclusion that the girls of our generation are pretty messed up. Almost as messed up as how that thing on my head which is, incidentally, called hair i think, used to be. My other buddy, also some sort of a sadist, agreed. We then suddenly came to this topic about why i've never had any girlfriends & how that is possible. I just told them that nothing is impossible. That's motivational isn't it? In a way. Depends on how you look at it really. Anyways, he said some awesome things, which i have totally forgotten, about girls & how they shouldn't be the reason for a wrecked life. I guess those things weren't so important afterall because if they were, i would have remembered it just as i did with the topic of the day. Either that or i just wasn't listening as i did stray far in my thoughts. What else could i be thinking of right?

The Wright brothers were right. There's nothing too stupid in this world to be accomplished. If the idea ain't ridiculous in the first place, it wouldn't be halfway feasible that it may succeed.
Whatever! Apparently, happy feet 2 is out in theaters. As if the first movie isn't enough to kill most of us of boredom.
Yeas sweetie pie. What is that pumpkin? You wanted an apple smoothie, my raisin bun? I think if you were to compare food with girls, i'd say food will win this one hands down. I can't live without food. You can don't see girls for 3 days & still get tired of them. Especially in camp, whereby i would see like 20 tomboyish lesbians everyday. To be honest though, it has been almost 2 years that i've been seeing them at least once a week. My old workplace, which is USS, has so many of them malingering everywhere. They are as scary as quicksand. Only deadlier. I heard that quicksand will only suck you in till at your neck. But these bloodsucking, girl stealing gay girls suck you dry. Heh.
Where the hell was i? Oh yeah, your girlfriends and why you can't call them by food. Actually it doesn't really matter. You can call them by names of gems & emeralds or the types of cheese they'll still not be happy. There's no pleasing them. Oh yea, if you call them by food, they'll think you see them as something to devour. But if you let yourself be vulnerable & stupid, you are as mentioned no matter what you are called. They can even be called a flat tire or a fat tire but if they are dumb & intellectually challenged, men will still eat them. Nyah.

Good God! I haven't even mentioned the topic of the day. Well without further adieu, here's are the combination of letters. "You can't assume a girl to be what you imagine her to be."
I simply was left in awe. That was my problem. No that is my problem. Yes, it's still ongoing. My whole damn problem is that i imagine what she is like before even talking to her. That is so wrong. Because at the end of the day, i'd be walking towards the sunset alone as she'd be nothing like what my perception was of her. I should stop. This is eating me. It's like a virus. Organ eating one. It'll eat my insides until i'm all out of stuff inside. Then you can talk to me. That guy with nothing inside is easy to be accepted as part of the society.

So i did some thinking. More often than not, i'd be left disappointed as the girl was so science fiction that star wars would pale in comparison. But at the end of every tunnel, there's a train. & the opening. I finally am making a little bit of progress with this police lady in camp. It's still too early though. I'm not gonna let this opportunity slip. I ain't gonna let this chance pass me by. I'm only left with 2 weeks. I may never see her again after the 2 weeks. & yes, or no, she is entirely different from the rest of the girls i've ever been infactuated with. Know why? Because, she has this innocent look that beats a baby's by a mile. You can say she kinda have quite a baby face. But that's cute. Besides, she looks vaguely familliar. I can't make out who though for the life of me. Maybe, that is just what i need to start a clean slate. In case you didn't know, i see her everyday. I wanna stare at her face but i just can't. So the occasional glancing makes be happy just as well. Nah it's not just as well. I'd be happier if time stopped. But yeap, she'd probably be number 38,417. The grand total. I'll just have to add her to the list. The list of girls who rejected me. No biggie. But ya. I have to try. How much longer will i stay this way wishing to have a 'her' to my aid? Freaking long so far.

Apopletic

2011-11-18T22:14:00.000+08:00

FIs are pussies. They really are. They love calling trainees pussies. But they have no idea who the real pussies are. Them. Basically, they are self-centered, arrogant, judgmental, egoistic & etc. Etc is a clever word to use when you run out of comparison subjects but still ain't really happy with what you have already mentioned. Yeap.

Why am i saying all these? Here's why. These beasts we call FIs, the abbreviation of Field Instructors, are nsmen too. But yes, they are given the license to put us down. It's not hard to put people down. Everybody knows that. But the way they do it, they can only be described as animals. They have no feelings. They're like those terminator machines designed & programmed to torture us. That's all they know. It doesn't matter how, they just simply have to do it. & they have ways. They have a whole lot of ways. I don't wanna reveal too much so yea. That's as far as I can criticize these bitches. Those lowlife, scheming son of a gun. Sorry for being so vulgar. It rubs off. Damn. I'll never be one of them. Not as long as these hands still are able to wristlock people. Heh.
Anyways, here's why I call them the sissiest nsmen around. They think having the authority to shout at trainees is a privilege. They think It makes them tough. That it builds their ever inflated ego. Yes it seems cool. But no it doesn't make them tough. They are actually a bunch of girls. They chose the easy way out of NS. Being a figure of authority, handling trainees means they are like their own bosses. They do have people in charge of them but not much. In a division, especially those police headquarters, there are more senior shits who will boss you. & these so called 'tough' FIs are afraid of that. They can say all they want & give all sort of excuses like physical training being a part of them & all, I don't buy it. They can suck my dick for and call me motherfucker jones. That does not make any sense at all but yeah, whatever.

So, on a much brighter note, i am gonna be posting out in 3 weeks. If you had told me that 5 months ago, I would have bitch-slapped you. Well it's true now. Yay. I got a whooping score of 89% for my law exam, surprisingly but not really to my surprise. Its crazy. Who would have thought 5 years ago I'd be learning such a thing as law. When you teach an ite student law, it's like teaching margikarp hyper beam. He won't learn it but he will mature and grow into the role & evolve into a gyrados & master hyper beam like the end of the world depends on it. That's me. I'm almost a full-fledged law enforcer now. I have one time or another dreamt about becoming a lawyer. Yes, that's how much I like upholding justice. I don't believe there's no justice left in this world. I'll prove it.

Well if you can't beat them, join them. I use to hate the police. Since they always win the battle against me, I just have to be one of them. To win.

Miserable at best

2011-11-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder what kind of a guy am I. I hate clubbing, I don't drink & I don't screw young girls. The only clubs I know are football clubs. I do know a little about golf clubs and club cars actually. But does it even matter?
The only drinks I drink are malts. I can't even have caffeine & carbon in my body. What a pathetic bitch. Don't even get me started on girls. The number of girls I know can't even compare to the number of Xbox games I have. What does that tell you? Yeah I'm a cool guy. Like the chilling type. But really, I hate it when someone asks me to chill. If I wanted to chill, I'd be in the fridge by now. Use some better words please. It sounds so barbaric & futuristic, at the same time, that it's stupid. I wonder who came up with that term. Must be a typical human being. Pfftt-uh!

Normal guys would have hobbies like fighting or soccer or girls and sex. But me, I have interests like writing and video gaming. So I am categorize as an abnormal piece of shit. But I'm fine with it. I wouldn't wanna be like those typical jerks that exist among us. They're everywhere. So one thing is the uniqueness is there about me. Just that I stand out in a way you would call bad. No wonder girls don't surround me like flies to a piece of shit. Cuz I'm no shit. I'm a gem. I wish it was true. More often than not, my thoughts differ to others. Okay, it's all the time. Damn.
You know what gems attracts? I don't know. I was hoping you knew.

Everybody has regrets. Who doesn't? You know someone who hasn't had any regrets? Tell me. You better be prepared then. To know the truth. That that person ain't human.
My biggest regret is regretting. I should have regretted missing on her. I drowned myself so hard that I couldn't move on. I missed out on so many things while I was in withdrawal. I reckon those things that I missed could have made me into a better person. Less of a burden to society & everyone I see. That rhymed accidentally. Yeah I'm happy. Anyways, I stumbled upon such an awesome post that was made up of a bunch of very convincing words. I was totally sold to the idea that the world will end on 21st December 2012. I felt liberated though after resigning myself to fate. I was depressed, what do you expect? I wanted the world to crumble at that moment. Now that I think back, it was kinda dumb moving along with time, waiting for an event that will only happen in 6 years time. I could have achieved something during that period of time. Although I wouldn't really wanna have any significant thing to leave behind when the apocalypse happens. Therefore, I believe it's for the best that God doesn't give me my other half till 21/12/2012. If nothing happens, I'd continue my journey to find the meaning of life. Whether it'll be my better half or something else different altogether, it wouldn't matter. Cuz all I want is the truth. Give me truth even if it hurts me. Pretty please!!? With a cherry on top??! And a slice of cheese plus butter??!

Sooner or later

2011-10-30T23:49:00.000+08:00

The malay people of our generation. Or my generation. They don't make constructive criticism. They poke at people for their own joy. When others get back at them for their mistakes, they get exasperated. They can't accept it even when they're at wrong. It's like everything they do is right & everyone else's actions are wrong. That is why our race will never progress. & they don't practice what they preach too which is pathetic. We will always be left behind the shadow of the other races. To think they think the malays are superior in every way. We will always be the toilet cleaners, the coolies, the blue collar workers, the side road sweepers & the dish washers. I had to write this. Because if it comes from another race, a racial war will begin. But i'm writing this with remorse & sadness because this is all the truth. My face will be reserved for spots to lay a punch but its fine. Cuz i've let out what i think everyone feels. I feel it too but i'm one of them so i am like them. Look at how the different races take criticism under their stride to push themselves further & be better. That is why they are the majority degree holders, the CEOs of major companies & the government. I for one don't care about all this but unlike some of the malays who think they're so great when, in truth, they're nothing but just talk, i don't think so highly of myself. I am a piece of crap. I admit that. But at least i don't put down other races. I'm the minority that are on the verge of extinction. Such a rare find. Better not let me die. Enough talk about this. I'm getting sick just thinking about it.
Speaking of dying, know what my worst fear is? No, it's no longer talking to her. I've given up on that ever remember? My worst fear is the apocalypse. Wait i'm not done. It is if the world doesn't end in 2012. Yes. If the apocalypse doesn't destroy us. Or if there isn't an apocalypse at all. That would be sad. But whatever. I don't wanna talk about it. Why the hell did i write about it then? I'm sounding like the typical girls of today. 'She' doesn't sound like that though. The her to my philosophy of toget-her. The mission 'together', which simply in brief detail reads 'to-get-her', is by the way getting even distant as days go by. It's been months & no progress at all. I think the reason why there isn't any progress is because i never really took any actions. In my mind, whatever i do these day will create a thought which goes by the arrangement of letters in this way. 'What's the point'? I don't really know the point. Please point it out for me. Use a laser pointer if you want.

I would have done anything for her. I would have slided across the road on my knees & scrape it terribly for her. I would have jumped out of a moving vehicle & scraped them knees all the same too for her. You can add an additional blow to the head too as i would probably land face first. I would have. Okay. Suffice to say, my knees will be the casualty to her bidding. Her wish is my command. To annihilate my knees. I apologize knees. If i have more nieces, i'll sacrifice them instead allright?

Stumble like my words

2011-10-24T00:34:00.000+08:00

As you're reading, i am happy to tell you that i'll be getting out of this damn place in 5 weeks. Yay. No really, i'm jubilated. It's just that there are 5 more weeks therefore, i'm keeping it down a little.

So the news i heard is that i'll be performing on graduation night. That is great. On MC for one day & all sorts of calamity fall on me. The promise was that i'll write a song. But i remember distinctly saying i won't perform. My course manager agreed to those terms. Now, he's going against his words.
It's not that i don't wanna perform. It's just that i suck on stage. I can't face a crowd of thousands & sing like nothings going on. I'm a great pretender & an actor but that is too much. I do remember words from great artists that it's easier to sing to a huge crowd than an audience of 3 or 4. Cos you can feel the aura of pressure emitting from them more specifically. In front of a massive crowd, you don't really have to look at a face. You can just make it seem like you're looking at a face when in truth, you're looking at a fantastic set of boobs. Beware though cuz you can easily just lose concentration. But whatever. That's not the point. The point is i have to put up a 3 minute show singing & strumming a song about my 6 months in camp. That's sick. The only bright side to this is that i have 5 weeks to conjure up an original masterpiece. Now that you mentioned it, i kinda don't really want these 5 weeks to fly by.

I think i've mentioned before about graduations nights & me. Yeah, we don't get a long well. It's probably because we've never met. Yes. For these 22 years of life, i've never attended a graduation night ceremony. There was suppose to be a prom night when i was in secondary school but i didn't manage to be a part of it cuz i never reached sec 5. Twice. Damn me. I actually dreamt about prom night for a couple of weeks before the release of my second N level papers attempt. Yeap. It was a distant daydream as that night would only happen the following year. But i was deeply tangled in the webs of love & i was hoping another year in that school would straighten out my relationship with that girl. Indeed she was the girl i mentioned in my previous post. I dreamt about all types of scenarios whereby i would be like those main characters from prom night movies where they would finally get to their crushes on that monumental night. By ways of serenading, dancing or i don't know heart to heart talk. I've never had that last one before. But yes, i was as ridiculous as the man who tried to conquer Russia. I thought i could sing Ryan cabrera style & get into her heart. I thought the movies were emulate-able. Guess what? I never even got through my N's. Tough luck for the daydreaming boy. That's what you get for daydreaming instead of studying. Actually, i did daydream about studying a few times. Well i'm sure you know how well that worked out for me.

So that's my story. Kinda pathetic right? I am, i know. But what can i do. That's the life i lead. I might think i can make it up with this upcoming graduation night but it's not the same. There won't be any girls. Sob.

My heart's desire

2011-10-21T15:18:00.000+08:00

October seems to be a good month to write & write. Because as i write & post, it's another day gone. I usually write at night when i'm in camp. I don't really write when i'm at home as i actually have stuff to do. That explains alot doesn't it about camps?
Anyways, i'm about three weeks away from the end of BPT phase. Basic police training that is. How the hell i survived 4 months here so far, i don't know. It's unexplainable. But who says i'm not happy with that. I'm esctatic. Come december 8, i will tell the folks around how that is the happiest day of my life. So far. I think the happiest day is yet to come. It will arrive soon i hope. That would be the day when i have found her & she agreed to marry me. After a day.
Who am i kidding? These days, the divorce rate is as high as the confidence of an overconfident jackass. It's mostly the malays though that marries & then divorce almost instantaneously. They never think things through these stupid people. But i feel for them. Once you have responsibility hanging by your shoulder, you succumb to the pressure & panic. So, you make rash decisions. Now, if they had thought about the consequences before taking action spontaneously on their first date, none of this would have happened. At the end of all of this, it's the child that they bore from the action that suffers. Selfish fags. I shouldn't tick them off too much. I don't fair any better. But at least i don't destroy people's life. It's the other way round more often than not. Just ask the girls who broke my heart. When i thought it has been perfectly glued together again, it is taken apart by someone i thought would cover the cracks. I forgot the name of the substance that covers the crack on wooden blocks when you saw them but yes, they are something like that. Actually they are that. Look what you've done. I miss D&T class now.

Why is it so hard? I try & try without any success. They say you reap what you sow. All i've been doing is sowing. I have yet to reap any fruit from my labor. It's frustrating as much it is exasperating. Everyday, i try to be positive by being hopeful. The hope that tomorrow will be the day. How else do you think i keep on going? I've given up in everything. I'm waiting for all this to end. But while waiting, i need something to keep me preoccupied. I will go to hell no doubt just so you know. I'm not really rushing it though. We'll take things easy. But why oh why? Nothing seems to go my way when it comes to girls. It's like i was destined to fail with the fairer sex. It's unfair. I know i was an asshole before i found out how attractive a female is. But surely, i've been punished enough right? It's been 5 years. Give me a break. Or at least give my heart a break. It's been broken too many times hasn't it? So when will it stop, all this? It's like a curse. Girls will almost immediately despise me when the see my face. How bout my voice then? They get turned off by my voice straightaway after hearing it. My voice sounds like a drunkard high on weed that was soaked in spanish fly. On the phone, it's even worse. It's the aforementioned combination but with an added ingredient which is the blue fairy. You don't believe. What you think it's worse? Could be. Leave your contact. I'll call you & you'll see. You'll die from it.
This is so depressing, i don't think it can get anymore depressing than this. If i haven't got this terrific attribute of patience, i'd have self mutilated years ago. Thanks to my maturity, i'll just be letting worlds end to end my misery. That's so emo. Burying misery with more misery. Top that if you dare. I'd like to hear your sad tale.

Open your eyes

2011-10-12T20:23:00.000+08:00

Hey hey, we're back. Now where were we? Oh yes. I was gonna tell you that the decision i made was the worst decision ever. Okay. So i pretended to not see her & walked past her. She was still a few feet away from me as i was walking on the opposite pavement. But i felt like she walked right through me. My soul was like taken away after that. I could not believe what i had done. I treated her like she was invisible. Piece of shit man. I was distraught though. My friend told me her face changed. I didn't manage to catch a glimpse of her cute face as i was too busy ignoring & pretending. But I did saw how cheerful she was when she first knew i was walking towards her. That is why i said she actually knew of me being there.
Since that fateful day, she never spoke to me. Except for one time when she couldn't take the msn disturbing anymore whereby my friend would add me into a conversation with her & talk shit. I usually would try to be the hero & screw him up for it.
She didn't buy it though. She never replied. There was this one time though when she had had enough. She sent me some combination of words that totally destroyed me like an asteroid being blasted by a laser guided ship. I was left scattered to pieces. I won't jolt it down here as that would be a breach of privacy. Or whatever it may be. I'm learning law so i try to be as careful as i can. She blocked me on MSN from that moment on & i never heard from her ever again.

Now, if that story was true, what would you make out of it? Yeah. Pathetic right? Fair enough. I am pathetic. The whole story is based on a true tragedy. She definitely changed my life. She may not know it but yes, she made quite a monumental impact on my life.
I never told this to anyone but i'm carving it here. I know nobody would read this anyways so i'm okay with it. It gives me a sense of liberation as i'm getting it off my chest. The truth is, i never gave up on her. Even after she handed me that harsh line straight into my computer screen, i didn't give up on her. I tried to get her back talking to me again. She never did. I was a wreck. I refused to blame myself & i put all the blame on her. She wasn't all to blame i know. But what can i do? She didn't give me a fair chance. You can blame me for screwing my first ever opportunity because everyone gets a second chance. Even in football, a striker doesn't usually score his first chance of the game. He will always get a second chance to make amends for his error. So where is the fairness? I never got a second chance from her. Neither did i get to hear her voice. Actually i did but i never got a it splattering to my face. I wouldn't mind hearing her voice even if it's her scolding me. It's all good as long as her voice is directed at me & i feel it. I guess fate is the real one at fault then.

To the present. It was a real psychological blow for me. Till this very day, i don't try anymore. Because i'm afraid of rejection. I can no longer handle a downright put down till now. I remember how thick skinned i was back when i was young. I don't take no as an answer. I will keep on going & mouthing off till the no becomes a yes. That was the typical me. The current me, after this episode & getting to know about the planets aligning on 21st december 2012, is the cold shadow of it's former self. It's not really a shadow to be exact. It's actually a shell that has already been ravaged by a predator, the insides. But it's fine. I've carried on with life for 5 years that way. What's another 50? It's just numbers. Numbers can't hurt you. Unless they're in an equation. That'll be a mathematics question then. I hate maths. But not as much as i hate her right now. It's undeniable. Deny me if you dare. You won't be the first to taste my rear wristlock skill. You'll just be one of the few thousands to be in the wrath of my torturous hands. You denied me. It's your fault. Okay you can blame fate. I do it too.

Something to believe

2011-10-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

I still remember the feeling when she waved at me from the third storey. It was indescribable. The feeling was unlike any other. You won't get that same satisfaction from anything else. It is so different from getting a wave from a guy or a friend. That really meant alot to me. How i miss it. I missed that chance. When she merrily threw that wave at my direction from 50 metres in width & height away, i thought it was for someone else. My friends were calling my name as that happened. I wasn't aware she was up there. When i did caught a glance, in my heart, that's never gonna be for me. So i turned back. There wasn't anybody. I thought be damned with the consequences & threw a high five back at her. She smiled. She reciprocated with a smile. & then used up a few more ounces of her energy to flatten her right hand & made an up & down motion. I was jubilated. First time ever a female, that isn't related to me by blood ties, waved at me. I was so happy, i smacked my buddy's hiny. I thought i had it in the bag. I thought with that little wave exchange, she was mine. I was wrong. It was unlike pikachu's wave exchange though where by they exchange thunder waves from each others cheek to determine the identity of the pikachu. It's cute i know. But forget that.

The little wave exchange came a day after i texted her. She was so enjoyable to text with. I get personal pleasure from that. Not in a dirty way. Please, no erotic thoughts okay. It's just that she was the first. Now then, I never planned further. I never thought about what i would do if i were to see her. So, i panicked. On that very day itself, fate was to be so cruel to me. If you look at it in a different way, fate was actually being nice to me letting us meet outside. It's like doing me a favor. But i still think it was too early so till this day, my perception of fate is it is evil. For years i blamed her. It's probably due to my failure i know but somebody's gotta take the blame for it. I didn't wanna heap myself with too much blame for it is demoralising. Anyways, we met outside of school & this time, she was like 10 metres away. I had no clue as to what to do. My hands were shaking & sweating at the same time which is weird for me as i've never felt something like that before. It's like pnemonia only that it's not. Okay. I asked my buddy who was walking alongside me at that time what i should do. The thing is, i spotted her from a few hundred metres away so i had quite some time to think of what action to take. My friend told me to just wave since i can't talk to her face to face yet due to my abnormality. I'm a retard. I wasn't sure of that plan of action in the first place. I was skeptical. But at that point of time, i couldn't even begin to conjure up a little hand sign. Uncertainty crepty up to me. Time was running out though as our distance got closer. If you're confused, she was walking towards us. I was going back from school while she was going back to school for some reason. I think she spotted me too from afar & i'll tell you the reason why i thought so. Guess what? Right you are. My brain got jumbled up with too much thoughts, i decided not to do anything. Surprising? You decide.
To be continued...
& it's not because i wanna reach the 200 milestone faster. It's just that the story's too sad i need some time off to weep. Till then, this is wan signing off from post 195. Sob.

This isn't rocket surgery

2011-10-08T10:54:00.000+08:00

I think I've written this many times. But I'll write it again. I miss the carefree days. The days of the past when we could walk aimlessly forever to nowhere. It didn't matter where we were gonna end up because nowhere is our destination. & we usually would walk there slowly. That certainly gives you a whole accurate meaning to 'going nowhere fast'.

Back then, my buddies & could hang like forever. Time was never an issue unlike now. These days, I only have 40 odd hours to hang out so I don't anymore. Who's got the time? It's not as though I don't have anything to do. I've been kept busy for these past few months that I don't even meet my friends anymore on weekends. Friday night is my bro-ing out day ever since I got enlisted. So for the next 8 weeks or so, my friends will have to be patient & wait till POP before I can go on a weekend outing with them. How do those people do it, juggling a girlfriend with NS & personal time? They must be good jugglers. Give them a couple of beer bottles. Let's see them juggle for 2 years straight. No I mean literally. Who's gonna watch them juggle their girlfriends with their mum?

I'm a relieved man right of now. My little princess of a niece is finally out of ICU & is now smiling again. Not only that. She's also now beginning to whack my head countlessly again which gives me no reason to be worried as she's back to her old healthy self. It wasn't a waste of time at all. At these desperate times, it is true that families can get closer. My family members had our first full family meal in months & we managed to catch up on everyone including my second sister who is usually not at home. She's only home when I'm not around. Either that or when I'm asleep. & I don't sleep early as you all know. Yes, she comes back at 4 to 5 every morning. The ironic thing is my parents don't question her. Back then when I was 18, I can't even get away with not telling them I won't be coming home till morning. I guess times really have changed. You don't see fans with blades anymore. Of course unless you're in camp which is perfectly normal since the government is the architects. The architectural structure is as though planned by a toddler & the budget sorted out by an uneducated hobo. We gullible bastards were made to believe that a phd holder made all the decisions.
Know what else we've been made to believe? Little shits like these. Maybe it's just me but here we go. I was made to believe that goalkeeper gloves reduces the power on shots. It takes the sting out of the hammered ball. You know what? No one actually said that. That was my theory. So for so long, I had the perception that a pair of gloves is vital whenever I played as a keeper. Because I'm allergic to pain as you all know. Physical & emotional pain. I forgive myself a few years back for all the goals I conceded after realizing it's was for gripping purposes only. The goals the opponents scored from the rebounds after I parried the ball away is not due to my inability save. It is the fault of the worn out gloves that have poor a poor gripping surface. They are more often than not torn & tattered when borrowed to me by a team mate. The positive side though is I've dropped more glasses on the floor. Most of them got shattered. So they've got to be thankful the ball didn't get destroyed when I dropped them from corners. They were only put in to the back of the net. Woots.
Here's another popular belief. It's something that's got to do with a man. It's men's best friend. Nope. I'm not talking about dogs. I don't mean drugs either. I'm talking about remote controls. *darth vader theme plays in the background*
Who here has never seen a remote? If you stay in a remote island, you've probably never. But how would you be reading this then?
Who on earth created the theory that when the battery goes flat in a remote control, we can try & press the button harder to make it work? I'm rofling already. The one who preached that must be a jarhead. I don't know what gave him that idea. He must think that pressing harder can squeeze out any bit of juice left in the battery to initiate a jolt in the system. Cheers to him.

Just as Einstein once said(he said it only once because he died soon after), if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life thinking it's stupid. Who talks like that? Also, he says that everyone is a genius. Yeah we're lucky he's dead. If not, we'll be laid with so many more insane theories. But you know what? I do feel that the society these day makes us feel small. Doesn't mean I'm not good at something, I'm a useless piece of crap. It's a whole different thing if you are helpless in twenty thousand things. That's equivalent to being a retard. Anyways, don't let peoples words bring you down. You are what you are. If you suck at something, you don't have to do it. Throw it out of the window. & be damned with everything else.

I read the shits that i wrote last time & compared it with the shit I wrote today & came to the conclusion that my writing has become shittier. It's true they are all shit but coming from a shit person, I know when shits are absolutely incorrigibly horrendous. I need English lessons so bad.

So disconnected

2011-10-07T20:06:00.000+08:00

I'm the guy that girls don't go after. I'm also the guy girls don't see. Because I wear a magical invisible cloak. A theoretical one. But it's not as though it matters or anything. All my life, I've been living a live of solitude. & I love it. Still am, still loving it. I wouldn't ever wanna change it. So if you think one person can significantly alter my whole life, then you are wrong. Yea I'm a wreck. But I've been a wreck ever since whenever. She contributed just a little more to the sadness but the significance was like 0.000371. In bank interest terms, that doesn't mean a thing. Because they're rich. They have money in abundance. It's the same principle with me. Except that what I have that's uncountable is negative emotional vibe.
Yeah they vibrate all right.
In a frequency so low, only the chosen ones can hear. I was using the term 'ones' loosely. There's only one chosen one & she is my other half. She is the exceptional superwoman that can hear these almost silent cries. She's also the only human being in this world who can feel how monumental the negative vibration I emit is. She is also the only female who can 'see' me. See as in look at me & not through me. Usually when girls look at me, they're actually looking at someone else. & that someone else is actually the guy standing right behind me. The smile I reciprocate usually when she smiled is supposedly a waste of energy as I move quite a few muscles to execute that move. Assumptions play apart in everything. How wrong can I be?

On a different note though, I have to thank SPF for this massive weight gain. I gained a whopping 8 kilograms in 3 months. I know it doesn't sound as significant as losing 8 kilos but just look at me & you will know how beneficial it is for a skinny & scrawny bastard. & that is the only good news I've heard all week. This haven't exactly been my week. But then again, every week is just as depressing as the last so who am I to complain? I am just one person. Anyways, I failed my defense tactics test for the third time & my instructors aren't exactly happy. How can they be happy? I'm the only one who failed. But they're being unreasonable. How on the world would it be possible for me to learn three months worth of shit in 3 weeks? Everyone else got that time to master everything. I only attended 1 lesson before sitting or standing for the test the following week. We do our tests on our feet. How can we wrist-lock someone while sitting? Anyways, I'm through. I don't give a damn anymore. They can give me an office work vocation for all I care. I've learnt quite some moves even though not up to the 123 techniques they teach us. I just want my warrant card & I can catch the people I don't like.
Right now as I'm writing, my niece is in ICU. My little princess apparently suffered an asthma attack last morning at around 1 and we're still waiting for her to get better. Suffice to say, this week simply sucked. I'm still waiting for it to end. Well I've given up on living the rest of this day. I'm making my way to the seats in the lounge room with a bag of chips & Demi lovato's unbroken. I got the album last week but never go to listen to all the tracks at least twice. Today might be the day. While snacking, I will be snooping for cartels latest EP. That's triple tasking for you.

One bad experience doesn't tell the whole story. One rotten banana doesn't determine the whole comb. So let's not let a speed bump derail the whole train. Move on! I wish I can drill that in my head. To tell the truth though, that is carved in my head. How on earth could I remember it then? The thing is I have given up on life. I have my family & they're are my only care & concern till 21st December 2012. Nuff said.

i can't be the only one

2011-09-22T10:24:00.001+08:00

It's admirable really. If you look at girls these days, they usually find the easiest way to earn money. So the jobs they try to get are usually crap ones. It's getting to be quite a trend nowadays. Now, what's making me so impressed then? This women i know.
Well i sorta know her but we only ever had a conversation once because of my untactfulness & my inability to speak to cool girls. She's a policewoman. How much cooler can it get? Yes.

It's not easy to commit yourself to a career, much less as a police officer for women. In my opinion, those women who join the police force deserve a pat on the back. It's really impressive.
I read her article for the trainee's magazine. From her words, i know she has a well rounded personality. Who says women police officers are one dimentional? Okay i did. But wrong was i. & Yoda-like are my words. Yeap. I admit to my mistake. But that is only my perception of her actually. Yea it doesn't mean that all the girl officers are like that. Knowledgeable, funny & have depth. Some of them are just girly. Some are even bratty. & then there are a handful who are bitchy. Don't even get me started on the bitchy AND bratty. It is quite a combination.
She taught me to write a magazine column which, till today, i am still very grateful for. Don't question her credibility because she's a degree holder. & she's only one year older than me. I know. It makes me seem so pathetic. I haven't achieved anything yet to date & i'm only serving NS at the age of 22. What a piece of crap. I'm only gonna be getting a shot at a diploma at the age of 24. & i'm gonna graduate at the age of 27. That is if i clear every module at my first attempt which is highly unlikely. I know even if it's at the age of 30 that i gain my diploma, i'd still be able to go on with my music dream. But, there is a high chance i might fail in becoming a musician so plan B, which is the diploma, will come into play. You know what though, it's not a chance anymore. I think it's a certainty. How can a failure like me achieve a dream? I should start with a goal. What's that? By getting my diploma, it's already a goal achieved? Hot damn, you may be right. Before i go on talking to my thoughts forever, let's get back to the officer with the cute smile. Oh wait, i did not mention how cute a smile she flashes did i? Okay i'm not telling you. I can't risk having a whole bunch of guys getting their sloppy hands on her. She's a treasure. One that i can't keep, of course, unfortunately.
I have nothing to my credit, no realistic aims in life, low educational background, & have money as abundant as stray dodo birds. There's no way she will even look at my direction. Unless of course i'm part of the pathway of the direction for her head to turn to. Then she'll glance at me. For a second. Maybe a nanosecond. But if those nanoseconds count for something then yes, she has faced me for quite a couple of nanoseconds. Sounds convincing enough to threaten a bastard from making a move for her ain't it? I thought so. The next day though, i'll be wristlocked to the ground by her & arrested for threatening. That's how movie plots go these day right? The good gets mistaken for evil? Our generation of kids love these movies. How about our generations malay movie go-ers? Any movies that involve gangsters or ghosts will be well celebrated. I'm not sure why. The plots are always as thin as a strand of hair & the endings have meanings as deep as the depth of a baby pool. But yea, these stupid malay kids love the gangsters & the way they swagger or the ghosts & the way their girlfriends get scared of it. They should combine the two together & make box office hit. 'Gangster ghost' or 'ghost gangster'. I bet the malay kids can't wait already.
But enough of that. I can't insult my own race no matter how stupid our people are. I get so disappointed when i hear people say, "malay girls easy ah!" or "malay girls are the easiest." It's even more heartbreaking hearing it from a different race. When did it get so easy? & if did, why haven't i gotten one? Hah.

It's simple. My friend told me i would've gotten them by a whole truckload if i tried. Because they are like the 4 year old kids who get easily manipulated with candy. Promise them love & they come running to you. It's so pathetic. As pathetic as my life but not me as i would never let myself be like one of them be it the screwer or the screwed. I'm a guy of course so i'll be doing the screwing but i will never screw other people's daughter. Just put yourself in a girl's shoe for once when you're about to do it. Once she is drilled, all is gone. For some people, they don't mind because their marriage will fall apart anyways as it's just a matter of time but for people like me, we do because on our first night with the girl we marry, we want all of her innocence & purity. It will be awkward because of the lack of experience on both sides but it's fun right? Think about it. Actually for girls, don't think about it. Cos once you've torn your hymen, there's no such thing as going back to the start. You can start anew but you will always be known as the second hand deal. You can pretend but we'll know. I sound harsh don't i? I know but it's the truth. If only there are more malay girls here who can think. I know a girl's sexual desire is 10 times more than a man's but if the somalian kids can curb their hunger, why can't girls resist the temptation as well?
I watch porn so i know the difference between a used & an unus

Tattered

2011-09-20T00:06:00.000+08:00

I don't wanna be like the typical old people of singapore. The kind of 'apeks' you see sitting at the coffeeshops reading newspapers. They don't exactly read them you know. They ogle at the pictures of young women in them. Somebody should teach them to use computers. It's so much easier & more convenient. For their viewing pleasure. I mean how fun is looking at the girls on the papers? The most you can see are bikini bods which to me is pedestrian. But i gotta say, if i grow to become one of them, it'd be with utmost regret. It's an utter failure. Yeah. It means i failed in life. I didn't manage to snag a lady for myself to ogle at everyday. It sounds lame doesn't it? Well once you have a wife, you don't just ogle do you? Even if you do, then it's ogling at a naked body right? I wouldn't know. I think i'll never know.
At this rate, if a girl were to offer herself to me, it'd be considered a good day. You don't get many good days in NS days. So, it's either i wait for 2 more years or just for the world to end. The world ending will cease my misery in many ways. It'd love for that to happen but the unfavorable part is not knowing how many years i'll be spending in afterlife jail. Which is hell.

Honestly speaking, you don't see to many of my kind around anymore. Yeah. Most of them died before they turn 22. They don't die for nothing. They died due to the events that happened because of what they did in their lives. In short their actions killed them. Sometimes, it's their inability to take actions that killed them. Example. No dinero, no big deal. Ask from mum. Mum moved house without informing you. Shit. Should've sticked to that job even though the boss is an asshole. Time passes & you die of hunger. You could have stolen some rations at 7-eleven but you live by a code. The principle of honesty. Good job. You went away with a good clean record. Although it was halfway through & you didn't complete the game. Life is a game. If you don't kill the bad guy, they'll shoot you when you turn around. Cat eat cat world so they say. I hate dogs. & i learnt that from GTA. It's a really good game. Teaches us the principle of life.

Human beings are ruthless. Doesn't matter in what we do, it's 'don't mind if do' kinda philosophy. So, if you like a something, put a ring on it. That's the only way she'll stay safe. Although as i mentioned, as ruthless as human beings are, they'll keep barking on the tree. That is the perfect moment for you to show who's the boss. I'm not abusing the authority. But i don't learn the defence tactics for nothing. It's for these kind of situations when asswipes persistently try to destroy your happiness. I lost faith in humanity years ago. The only one who can restore it is the 'chosen one'. How many chose ones have you heard of these days? It's either the chosen one to save the world, the chosen one to save mankind, the chosen one to save the animals or the chosen one to keep the stock market stable. There are more actually but let's just stop there. Now, there is a chosen one among these chosen ones who rule
I'm still waiting for the day when i can say to her, "look at me now!" So far, i have only prove to be what she thought i was & will always be. I agree. But i always tell myself. It won't be forever. Everybody will succeed one day. It's just a matter of time. See, i just succeeded in convincing you that i will succeed in future. I succeeded didn't i? There's more to come. Just watch this space. Uh there will also be more of 'watch this space' in my posts. It's normal, duh. I sound like a bitch!

My effortless brilliance

2011-09-15T23:18:00.000+08:00

When my oc squad told me to get a girlfriend, it was way too surreal. I mean no one has come to my house before & said that. Why in the world did he come to my place in the first place? Well he wasn't alone. He came with 4 of my squad mates. I knew my squad would be looking forward to feasting on something edible having been eating plastic in the form of food. They're like mock food. Except that it's plastic in reality made to look like food & isn't exactly food. My mother was kind enough to understand our food predicament & whipped up a good meal for my station inspector & the boys. It was after their stomachs were full that he started having words with me.
It wasn't an experience to remember to tell the truth. I was admitted to NUH yesterday evening in my full police uniform. Yeah I shouldn't even be home right now. But here I am on my couch crafting this entry like a free soul. Free soul for at least 3 days. I have to report back to camp on Sunday which sucks extremely.

He says i'm different. As if it is a bad thing. Given a choice of being a typical jerk or a weird guy, I'd of course choose 'weird guy' because I hate the typical jerks in this world. Uniqueness is what makes the world go round. If everyone has the same concept or philosophy, the world would be dull. Although conflicts would also be lesser. But fuck that, you wouldn't wanna be living in a world filled with 10,000 Justin bieber would you? I know. It'll be hell. People like me will only go to jail as we'll be killing on sight shooting every bieber we see. That makes us angry beavers. Angry beavers vs justin bieber.

Having said that, I can tell you that not all uniqueness are unique. Difference is good. But weird characters aren't always welcomed by the community.

Well, I was waiting for the right moment. The perfect confluence of events. Okay. That was just an excuse. I just didn't have the balls to come up to her & converse. That's what happens most of the time. No. Actually, all the time. I'm a piece of shit. How can I defend the country? Exempt me please!

He has trust issues. But you know what the ironic twist is? He is married. How can someone who has problems trusting people commits himself to something that involves a whole lot of trust & maybe just trust? marriages are built on trust. I learnt that from a movie. Any truth in that line? I don't know. But I'll find out. I hope.
When he said his job as an investigation officer in the past moulded him into what he is today, I began to wonder, are all cops the same? If so, they must be the most emotional kind of people in the world. Suits me actually. I should sign on to be an officer. Bleaghh.

Rather Random

2011-09-09T16:07:00.000+08:00

You must be wondering why my last post was written in such a way that you would probably label it weird. Maybe you aren't wondering. Neither may you be labeling it weird. But I'll tell you anyways. It was all on purpose. I was proving a point. I'm not making up excuses. If it was some sort of mistake that I made, I would have admitted to it. Or maybe put the blame on someone. Figure out what the whole point is & I'll give you a gift.
That last sentence sounds cute right?

Speaking of gifts, it's that time of the year again. The 09/09. Doesn't mean a thing. The day don't matter. I was born only once which is on 1989. That's my only birthday. That doesn't have to repeat. I'm not even sure why we celebrate it every year. I don't wanna sound like a broken record though. I whine about this every year. Still, I gotta thank those who wished me. Wishes are okay. It's underrated. Presents are the opposite. & although most of the wishes I received are from my facebook friends, which means people I don't really know or don't really talk to or don't care about, it's still really nice. It's the thought that counts, remember that. I don't have much friends anymore. I don't make friends like before. I'm a keeper. It basically means I make friends with people whom I believe will still be my friend 20 years down the road, crying & laughing & sleeping with me. All three together at the same time is more favorable but that'll be just weird. Everyone will grow mature & have this same thought as me. It's just a matter of time.

Now, I have said before that 2 years ago, 09/09/09, the worst birthday ever as I had to sit for my exam on that day. I spoke too soon. I always do so it ain't much of a surprise anymore. Well to me at least. Fast forward, present day, I would like to retract what I said two years back. I don't think I'll ever have a bad birthday as this. Although I may be a little lucky. Just a little though. Some unfortunate souls have to spend their birthdays in camp in their NS phase. I'm one of the lucky few to get a liberated birthday. Call it luck or anything, just as long as you call me. But from my years of experience, there's no such thing as luck. My A for my exam which I took on my birthday 2 years ago wasn't a fluke. I worked the whole night for it. I burned midnight oil. I also burned some vegetable oil frying some eggs while going through past year papers. I deserved it. That A may not mean anything if I choose not to continue my studies at NYP after my NS but the bottom-line is, no one could have taken it away from me no matter how hard they tried. What I'm saying is I earned this break. Although I don't make a big fuss of birthdays, I will still enjoy it. I've mellowed now so the ideal birthday these days goes a little something like this. A family dinner. I can't do lunch since I'm still in camp now which, without a doubt, sucks. So, dinner will have to do. Again, you can say the mayans who created the calendar deserves the plaudits but they're all dead now. What's the point in lavishing praises on those who aren't around anymore? Might as well just direct them to me. It will be more appreciated. I can show my appreciation unlike the buried. Thanks!

Staying in camp still is a bitch. But who am I to go against the government? I still have three months to go before I can regain my freedom although still not fully. It'll still be better than staying in 5 days a week. I feel like burning down the whole academy. I mean if it's the Jedi academy, I wouldn't mind going through all the tough trainings & hardships. But right now, they are not only forcing us to serve the nation. They are also not making the time they're taking away from us an enjoyable one. Fun & games would be nice for something that is made compulsory. We wouldn't be hesitant to go back there every week the if that were the case. & if they'd let us choose what we like to do, it'll be better.
Being a Jedi would be awesome. I'd definitely go through the training without bombarding my blog with words of curse & complain because wielding a lightsaber & learning force push & choke is interesting. I'd really be into it. Actually, being a policeman & wielding a gun isn't that shabby. But they just don't know how to make a fellow happy. Talking about that just makes me exasperated. It's a good day so let's cease all talk of NS & how fuck up it is. Let's go to a more important topic.
Okay. There's no important topic to go to actually. I was just trying to be positive. So much for trying to look on the bright side.

Before I leave you, alone with your misery, I'd like to share a little saying that sounds as good as it seems.
"A man of courage never wants weapons."
I don't need a lightsaber or a pistol to destroy evil. I just need my hands. I'll wristlock all the evil i see. I'll bring the whole meaning of wristlock further to another level & do it even to those I can't see! Like Satan & ghosts. Now that's a justice upholder! Better be afraid.

PS: I made the same wish I make every year for the past 6 years. It proves to show that birthday wishes are nothing more than a waste of time. Although it's not as bad as national service.

AscendancyAscendancy

2011-08-26T16:41:00.002+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, i wrote about hilary duff & how pivotal she was in my teenage phase. I have no idea why i suddenly had the urge to craft an entry about her. There was just this strange feeling that convinced me to do so. It's the sort that makes me feel so good when i heed it. It better than sex, believe me. Not that i know how good sex feels. It's just words from others. It's only through my imagination that i feel it. It sounds wrong but visualisation is the key. It has always been.
People these days like to brag. I don't mind them telling me their experiences. But sometimes, they just go to far. I really do not need people telling me how bitchy their girlfriends are. I also don't really need to know how your girlfriend is like one of those prostitutes plucked out from the streets of geylang when it comes to sex. Freaking horny. Anyways, enough of that.

A few days after writing that little post, i came to find out through the tabloids that Hil was pregnant. Great armadillos. You know how sad i was when she got engaged? I couldn't bring myself to watch Damien duff in action for fulham anymore. It's that bad. I still believe damien duff, the irish footballer, is related to hilary. Somehow, i just do. Maybe they are long distance cousins who share traces of the same DNA. I mean before knowing of her existence, i've never even heard of people going by the name of duff. It's so adorable, i came up with a plan. I planned to name my first born by that name. I'll probably be condemned by my relatives if i do so but who gives a shit? Because, what i had in mind was to share DNA with her to create lifeforms. A little bit of mine & a little bit of hers. Yeap. To make her mine.
Right after i knew about her existence on earth, i came to find out about damien duff, the slick dribbling soccer player from ireland. Yea even though i knew he is european & my duffy is american, in my mind, they are related. They even have the same hair color. Blondes.
So we're gonna have another duff coming into this world. Except that the child is gonna get the fathers last name. That will spell the end of the duffs. That's sad. You know what's sadder? There will be no traces of my DNA in the baby. But whatever. I didn't get this far in life by being a pessimist. I look forward. Even though, as we speak, i do not have anything to look forward to, i feel that i will soon. I'm not sure what it will be but it will come. That's hope asswipe. I know there probably will be nothing materializing but it just helps me to move on. It's a lie that i'm living on & it could be counted as denial but as long as it helps smoother the sailing, i'd gladly board the ship.

I miss being a carefree teenager. It sure isn't the same being a carefree adult. When i was a carefree teenager, ignorance was some sort of a bliss. As an adult, ignorance comes with a price. There are still consequences for our actions. It simply sucks. But i can't do anything about it. Time wouldn't wait for me. & I don't control time. I wish i could. I wish i could borrow time from eternity. I can stay as a teen forever. I don't care about the physical appearance. It's never the reason. It's those responsibilities that adults have to shoulder that is so appalling. I hate this next phase of life that i have to go through. I'd like to skip it but when i think back, there kinda is no ending to this phase. In a way, it goes all the way. It's sort of a perfect time to end this miserable life. I'm sure alot would be in favor of that idea. Suffice to say, i'm a weak man. Mentally, i can't go through so much shits. It makes me care even lesser. & physically, i am as scrawny as the kid who never knew weights. You don't have to even mention hilary duff, no girl in this world deserve a fate as miserable as me. It ain't my fault though. Someone has to be the woman behind the so called 'man' that is me. But i don't know. Without me knowing, she might already have died along the way to me so that is why she hasn't come into my life all this while. I'm still gonna wait no matter what. But you know, if she really is dead, there is no real point in waiting. But i don't know, i've grown so accustomed to waiting it's no longer a problem for me. A part of me knows i'm the record holder for being patient therefore, waiting is nothing more than just a past time. It's like breathing or walking. Only not as productive.

"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."
I'm gonna think of the most absurd(absurdest) of ideas to get her & not do anything to accomplish it. We'll see what happens. If i do get her, i'd probably have used up all the good luck i have in this lifetime, which isn't a bad thing considering the predicament & what i'm getting in return. I'd give all i have in my bank account(three zeroes) if it means her pledging her allegiance to me(0.00 is three zeroes just so you didn't know). I'd even shave my head twice a day if a bald head is considered sexy to her. No doubt, i'd also sell my house & give her all that i receive for it even if her faith on me is only for one day & the house isn't mine. You know i'd do anything for love. The only problem is love wouldn't do anything for me. She wouldn't even love me for a second. I reckon those love potions & spells wouldn't work for me. Yeap.

If i were to find cupid's bow & arrow lying on the ground & shoot every single girl in this world, they'll all end up loving each other & turn homo instead of developing instant feelings for me.

Every night's another story

2011-08-08T12:25:00.000+08:00

My obsession with Hilary Duff was unlike any other. Well it was an obsession like any other obsessions. It's just that it was unlike other peoples obession. Make sense right? Say no & see what happens to you later.

It was a 4 year affair. Started out of nothing. I saw a cd one fine day with a pretty lady's face on it. I didn't hesitate to buy it straight away. I remember how the cashier looked at me. Kinda silly. But i didn't give a damn. I was still a kid. You know how kids are. Stupid as shit. Nonetheless, i still enjoyed the hit song 'so yesterday'. The lyrics doesn't make sense but it didn't matter. Her cutesy voice more than made up for it. Stupidity strikes again for the juvenile wonder.
I found out that she was actually on a show called 'lizzie mcguire'. It's sick man. Till now, i'm not sure what the show is about. Back then, for the thousandth time, it didn't matter. As long as i see her face, what ever she did mattered as much as the stray cat wandering the streets. Things got worse. I bought the vcd of the show's movie. Truth be told her acting wasn't so good at that time. All i can say is, there were worse teen actress. But yeah, i could like look at her face the whole day on the glass screen & wouldn't fall asleep. It wouldn't matter you know if i fell asleep. Because, she would always be in my dreams.
It didn't end there. All of a sudden one day, i decided to start including her in my compositions. Be it my malay or english compositions, she would always be the heroin. She was like my heroine. She kept me going. The sweetest drug. My malay teacher will always make fun of me, reading my compositions aloud infront of the whole class. Well luckily enough, the class is often made up of just 8 or 9 people with a maximum of 10. I don't blame her. She likes my essays. It was very much the most creative in the class all the time. It would include humor, cold humor, drugs, girls & alcohol. Which teacher wouldn't enjoy marking that? If you're a teacher, would you rate a dull, neat, well organized, shallow & sappy composition as highly a comical one that has depth, quality & the ability to pull you into it? Of course you will. If you're a grouchy teach!
But whatever, she was just camoflauging the fact that she enjoys my writing. She couldn't show it right? Who wouldn't appreciate art at its finest? Especially when hilary duff is in it.

Now how's that for a man obessesd? Normal? Hyuck! Allright! That isn't just it. The whole 4 years of secondary school, i lived by a dream. It was vanquished only at the end of my, supposedly, last year there. I'll tell you why, who & what in a while. Right now, i'll tell you what the dream was. The hope that kept me alive for 4 whole years. I resolved to be a singer.
Just like her, i wanted to be well known. I didn't wanna popular. That's just not my thing. What i want is just a smash hit. They can call me the 'wan' hit wonder, it's fine. Just one song would propel me to recognition. But i want the recognition to be on the song. I would only be recognized as the writer. That way, she would come to know of my existence. & from there, we could become friends. It's textbook. Well known people dating their own kind. Well, it was easier said than done. I did not succeed. I never even got close to achieving that dream. But i'm still happy. Till this very day, yes.
The whole saga effectively ended in 2006. The reason? I fell in love. At the age of 17, i felt my time was now. I couldn't make out why before that, i never felt much for the fairer sex. At some point, i even thought that i was gay. I was quick though to diminish that thought as i love boobs as much as the next guy. I guess i was a late bloomer. I can say that i'm still blooming because the current me ain't the end product. You'll see in a few years time what i'll be. Probably dead. Now, back to story.
I realized hilary duff wasn't the one. She was what i like to call a crush. An impossible one. It's worse than a normal crush because it's a celebrity crush & crushes like that often end up crushing you. Crushes like the one that woke up my hormones are considered realistic because it's achievable. It really is, i keep telling myself. It's all up to you. I never triumph though. Not that i don't try. I always give it my all. Sometimes, it's just too hard. That's why the crush that made me know love & erased hilary duff put me into a deep emotional distress. How can i let something so significant go just like that? I kept on trying but it was just futile in the end. Never did i get to her. It hurts the worst, the first. I didnt even understand what that means back then. The first hurts the worst.
That was like the stepping stone i thought. I will grow from there. I was wrong as always. That instead was the start of a losing life. I never got back up. My confidence was drained & sucked up from that experience. There was nothing left in me. Every girl i tried for would see me fall flat on my face in front of her. My self esteem was so low, the depth of the pacific ocean would pale in comparison. I never recovered. Till present day.
8th August 2011. Still shattered inside. Who will glue these pieces back together. Still searching. She would be my heroin. She would be my drug. My heroine. She would be what keeps me going. I doubt i'll find her. It makes me wonder, why i didn't continue crushing sissily on hilary duff. It would hurt since i'll probably still be nowhere near her. But at least it wouldn't be as bad. She wouldn't have scraped me as badly i reckon. Nah, i'm sure of it.

Everything you want

2011-08-03T17:12:00.000+08:00

Even though i hate having a bald head, i gotta admit, it's quite comfortable being hairless. Well i'm not exactly a skinhead you know. I do have hair as short as they are. Even if it's just an inch or two, it's still hair. & when you have hair as short as that, there are two things you don't have to do. Drying & combing. To be honest, i don't do those things even when i have a head full of hair. But i'm just saying it's so much more convenient waking up in the morning without hair getting into your eyes or getting out of the shower & have the task of styling it.
These days, i go out carefreely. As you all know, i have curly hair that spirals & twirls. It's unsightly when it's long. Even though i know it's hideous, i have the habit to grow it out as long as possible before heading for the barber & shave it all off. I'm not sure why but there's just this feeling of satisfaction when i go into the barber & do what most people don't. Most people will say this, "a little off the top." For me, it'll be, "shave it all off." Those barbers know me. When i say shave it all off, they will make it short & uncharismatically sweet of course. I'm as sweet as bitter chocolates so it's not my place to say such stuff even if it's my hair i'm referring to. The whole process of growing it back to square one will take about 5 months so i save money from that. But as you all know, saving money is never the intention. I do what i like & that is the philosophy. Things may change now though. I may not grow it as long anymore even after NS. I've grown accustomed to this simple style.
These next 3 months, we'll be shaving our hair for like 6 more times before POP. I've never visited a barber as many times as this in a year. The last 2 months, the visits have made up to a grand total of 5 times. Add that with the 2 visits before june 14 & thats 7 already so far this year. Try to top that. Even those fancy girls who change their hairstyle like sanitary pads on their cycle week can 'hair-ly' reach that milestone. See what i did there? I changed 'barely' to something to match our topic of the day. Smart stuff huh? Pfft! Ptuii! Right at the temple.

Speaking of temple, have you heard? We're allowed to bring food to camp now! I haven't sound as enthusiastic as this in a long while. Really. Okay. I lied about being enthusiastic. But i haven't felt anything monumental for quite a while. Actually it has only been as long as this NS stint which has spanned like 2 months. Though it felt longer. Like 8 months? It'll be too much if i say 2 years. Cos i have like 2 years still to serve. God help me. Wait. He already have. The world is ending next december so He is in a way helping me end it early. Although i would be in my 18th month by then & would have just 6 left only. Still, it's better than nothing. Nothing has always been too good for me. I've always gotten nothing. Not even the girl at the end of the mission nor the reward after capturing the bounty. What to do? My life is fated to be this way. I can only look up to the sky & pray. That the stars will fall on me. Killing me on impact almost instantaneously. What an end to this otherwise dull story. My book isn't exactly done yet. The chapters will always add on. The ending is still unclear. Therefore, i'm thinking about just forgetting about posting little by little here. I should just post it at one shot when my life is ending. Two problems. One, i might forget half of what i intended to write & two, i might die before i even finish a chapter. Sad shit. Doesn't matter actually. Dispositions will always be sad. What the last line is for remains unknown. With no hyme or reason, the author ran to the shooting range & grabbed a pistol, blasting everything in sight. He had unlimited ammo, something that happens only with cheat codes. He destroyed several arrogant officers with his slick & stylish movements & headshot the high rank ones with his precisive aiming skills with a handgun. He was simply sensational. He was like poetry in motion. Only more beautiful. Now, that would make for a good story wouldn't it. Just to let you know, that will be the story. The ending will be left alone. For now. If not, forever. Yeah. I'm changing the way of nature. Instead of writing what has happened, i will do what i have written. In a way, i'm like writing the present. Like authoring the way my life goes. Next up, the home team massacre. Stay tuned.

Look who's laughing now

2011-08-01T07:46:00.000+08:00

As you read these words, we are now on our first day of Ramadhan. I know what you're thinking. Hari Raya! That's wrong dudes & dudettes. We should be thinking of fasting. You guys are hopeless.
As i'm crafting this entry, my stomach is growling. It's only been three hours since i had my supporting meal. It's suppose to carry me through the day. Yeah. I'm practically finished. 12 more hours to go! Time goes by slow here so it'll be like 24 hours. I'm not kidding. It sometimes feel like time is thrice slower. That's camp for you. No that's NS. You have fun in camp. Hell is what you get in NS.

This is my first day fasting in camp. I'm not sure if i'll last through till dusk. I'll let you know later. Maybe i'll be dead already by then. So if you never hear from me after this, then yea i'm gone.
I think this will be my toughest fasting stint yet. They have all been tough but i reckon fasting while doing ns is tougher. It will be like running with eyes closed. Or breathing underwater. Or eating with your feet. Lets make more metaphors. Or... ahhh, the hunger has limited my range of thinking. My ability of smartness has been weaken. This is the perfect time to assasinate me no doubt. I am as sharp as the blundest tool in the kitchen. So those who has a grudge on me, the time is here to vanquish my existence on earth.
They conveniently allowed us to bring food now to camp. Yeah. During fasting month. I was hoping they'd give us the green light weeks ago. Now, we are too tied up to enjoy this privilege. But i didn't get this far by luck. I earned it. Although you know i haven't done any training here since day 1, it hasn't been easy ass well. You gotta be mentally strong to get through these 8 weeks. We are into our ninth week. The fit intake will be here next week. That is our que to relax. The last few intakes have been this way according to the seniors here. They would lighten up on us once another intake comes in. In a way, the new intake will be like our scapegoat. Just like how we were 2 months ago. No doubt it's been good being here if there wasn't any training. The bonding has been good. You get to see & know all kinds of characters that this world has to offer. I don't think you can go anywhere else to experience the same thing. That is quite an apt thing to say.

I'm losing my mind i feel. I've been thinking about her alot these last few days. 20, in my mind, is quite a small number. So it's not wrong to assume the days are few. Feel free to disagree though. Just make sure you have a very good reason.
It's been so long since i had a girl friend. I've never had a girlfriend. & my girl friends usually get sick of having anything to do with me after a fews days. They always say the same thing. I am useless. I wonder about that everyday. I still do. They never did say in what way. Am i useless in every way? They like to play the hinting game where by all they ever do is give clues. The answers never came. I'm still waiting. But yeah, girls still ignore me. Only a handful actually bother to entertain me. They can't be bothered after a few days though. This is the sad & true story of the man who never knew love. He knows the word & how to spell it but he never knew the meaning. He's awaiting for that someone to show him what it means. It doesn't have to be in the form of action. It can be spoken words or text. If that person really is the one, whichever way of showing love is just as satisfying. She doesn't even have to say she loves me. I can just read it in her ways. Love emitting from her like heat warming my heart. That kind of warmth is what i've been looking from continents to continents for. I'm not sure if she's the one. Good doesn't play the same kinda games. He plays the even better one. He puts people into your life at will. & God is never wrong. So you can trust His reasons for putting those people in your life. It's not for nothing. Those girls that i mentioned definitely were worth something. I wouldn't be here talking about them if they haven't did that to me. That's good right? They gave me a worthwhile experience. As evil & as cruel as they were. You know right how weak girls can be? So it's fine. They thrive on guys misery. That's how they grow in confidence. They put me down to bring themselves up. I totally understand that. But these type of girls will always be that way. Weak. They'll never find happiness. Because they're too weak to recognize happiness when it walks their way. They'll grow old alone & die a lonely death. This is to those secondary school b*tches! I'm fasting therefore, i'm not gonna be using those words. I'll only be as low as them if i did. & i've never stooped that low before.
I still don't know why i fell for such characters. They were as pretty inside like i had a a pussy. I've never had a pet cat. But yeah. What i'm practicing now is use the word pretty to describe the inner rather than the outer. The outer beauty has no meaning to me anymore. My prettiest friend can be & will be the simple girl wearing a tshirt & jeans & her heart on her sleeve. Gorgeous stuff.

I should have...

2011-07-28T23:36:00.000+08:00

Now how do you feel about 10 men sleeping in the same room together? Not together on the same bed of course. That would be very disturbing. But yeah, even if that isn't the case, it still sounds awkwardly weird right, 10 grown men in one room? Unless you're a bitch. Bitches love that. They wouldn't find it weird at all. In fact, they would find it exceptionally fantastic. It's like an all you can eat buffet for them. Skanks.

For me, it's fun. Not in that sense. I know what you're thinking. I'm sure most of you weren't hoping for that. An eligible bachelor, enjoying the company of 9 other men. It's not like we have a choice. Anyways, i'm gay. Gay as in happy, twerps. I'm still straight. Not a homo. Yet.
I haven't lost faith in the fairer sex so i believe one day, she will walk into my life. Maybe, almost unknowingly. Perhaps, she may have already be in it just that i don't know. How in the hell do you determine if that person is your 'the one'? I sure as hell don't know. What i do know for a fact is that my other half will be & should be a girl. What if 'she' looks like a girl but is a tranny? Or what if that person looks like a girl but in actual fact or sexual fact, a guy? That's when my growing hormones comes into play. I think they've already grown to the maximum stage although i still am a virgin. Know what that explains? It's either i'm a real mature man with patience or i'm still a kid who has no idea how pleasurable sex is. Which of the two do you think i am?

As i've said, sleeping in a room with 9 other grown men isn't easy. Because you don't usually actually sleep. Each & everyone has a tale of their own. At least a tale. They can have more. & they usually do & they can go on forever. Only fatigue stops them from doing that. & also ignorance. I just don't care. I try to care. But when you get too tired, your acting slumps. I'm good at acting like i'm sleeping but once i fall asleep, i can't act like i never fell asleep. It's impossible. So, when that happens, they will automatically stop talking. Thank goodness.
The tales ranges from cat fights to dogfights, sex & girls, girls & girls & sometimes, more girls. But most of the time, its girls, girls, girls, girls & more girls. At rare times, they do talk about women but it's seemingly out of their place. Juveniles talking about antiques. It's inappropriate.
I can attest that most of the guys in my squad have at least screwed a girl & live to tell the story. I get sick of how they treat females like a tool. I know some or most of them aren't the sharpest tool in the shed but give them a break. They are emotionally weak. Therefore they give in. Guys capitalize on such weaknesses for their own good. That's us. That's how we roll. I do take advantage of stupidity because of my opportunistic nature but even i know when it's appropriate to opportune. I wouldn't destroy a girl's life. I can't blame you if you read this and have 'douchebag' in your mind. It's easier said than done. Cos if you dare, come say it straight to my face. I have new found courage. It's from the police force. Some sort of a gift. Not that i wanted it. They forced me. I unwillingly have to accept. As if the courage within me before this wasn't enough.
You can think all you want about me. I don't give a flying damn. You can though be assured that i do get back at negative remarks about myself. But in what way i reciprocate, it's always gonna be a mystery. Because, it's different everytime. My creative juice flows the quickest at times like this.
I sometimes give negative thought too much of my time & attention. I know it's not the best way to live. But hey, who are you tell me how to live my life? Have i ever told you to go end your miserable life when your girlfriend dumps you? Well i should but where's the fun in that? It's so much better to see you rolling on the floor in agony. Really.

So even now, as i write, i'm hearing the word 'fishtank' repeating at least twice in every sentence. If it's not that word, then it would be 'girlfriend'. Damn right i am jealous. That's why the outburst. Who would burst out in happiness? Sissies only.

Insomnia(c)

2011-07-19T23:32:00.001+08:00

I feel that i write better than i speak. Not saying i'm good at writing. It's just that i'm not as bad at writing as i am in spoken words. It's no doubt a stupid thing to say to someone. Especially a girl. But i learnt that girls like guys who can make them laugh. Yeah. Even if i make myself sound stupid intentionally. It's all part of the plan. But that is sometimes. Most of the time, i sound stupid without trying. So, you don't have to mention girls, even transexuals will look at me stupid.

I don't think i can ever change the way i am. I guess for some reason, i am happy with the person i am. There's no one who can come into my life & change me. Neither can they come up to me & tell me to change. Everyone is unique the way they are. Even if they are retards. Speaking for myself you know. & a few more asses like myself.
This may come as a surprise to you although not to me but i haven't been sleeping that much at night. I lie in bed all night without a purpose. True enough there actually may be a purpose which obviously is sleeping but when you are psychologically stained & tainted, you don't need a reason for doing something.
I guess my inability to fall asleep at night isn't anything new. I usually sleep it off when i sense dusk coming. Yeah it's an impressive sense. But it helps when you have a clock to look at. Right now though, ever since i've been enlisted as a national slave, there haven't been much time for myself. I know, it's ridiculous. It's like a prison in here. I'm wasting so much time, i don't think i'll ever waste so much time. That's how much time i'm wasting. Compared to wasting time for the last 10 years, the time wasted here is certainly hands down worse. Cuz even when i wasted time outside, fruits were bore.

So, the government gives us 48 hours to do what we have to do every other week. That's our weekend break. How considerate of them. Now, if we can never finish our stuffs every week that is seven days before this, how in the world can we with 48 hours? & it's not even 48 hours definitely. Sometimes, our book out hour is dragged & at times, the book in hour is brought forward. They think they can just play with the time we have. I assure you, if i die in here, i will make sure every single on of those loudmouth officers will die with me. I will take them underground with me. I'll even pull them down 6 feet lower.
Time check, 2317. Everyone else is snoozing away while i am on my bed crafting an entry. Well at least everyone else who takes part in the daily trainings. I still feel like an apple among durians in the squad, not being able to do anything at all. Being different isn't so bad. It's being special that makes me look down on myself. My squad mates are kind to me giving motivation & laying advices on me. I don't deny how fragile it makes me sound. But i like to see myself as delicate actually. I am more like the content of a bottle of wine rather than the bottle itself. Both would be rendered useless if you dropped it. But the ruckus would be on the wasted wine & not the bottle although both are shattered, literally for the latter. That is why. I'm the filling. If i die, i'm extinct. There won't be a me anymore. Forever. There can be carbon copies of me with the proven theory of 7 people who have my looks but it's just not the same. Just ask those people who will be missing me, what they are missing. If i die in the line of duty, it would suck. Because it's for my country & not for my religion. I wouldn't go to heaven straight. But it's quite an honorable death ain't it? No? Yea not really. No one will remember me. So what's the point? I do aim to tackle a fantastically big case. Something like the group from the jackie chan movie, 'new police story'. I was a little motivated by that movie. Knowing me, the only motivation i can have is if the particular something i have to do reaps some sort of worthy benefit. & just to let you know, i don't see good health as a benefit so you can cross that off my list. Knowledge, maybe sometimes depending on what sort of knowledge we're gaining. I wouldn't be interested in the knowledge of making up a bride so let that go. My former colleague is though. He's such a gay.
God, i better get someone to talk to at night. I'm gonna be here for 5 more months & these craps that i write will only get crappier. Therefore, i should get a girl to keep me occupied till i get as sleepy as an insomniac on his last day of insomnia so that i can spare your sanity. Yeah. I need volunteers. Who wants to sign up for the suicide mission? I do need to sort out the nominees. Not just about anyone can get this post. Only those who can take bullshit & crap like it's part of their lives. Sorry my other half, to put you through such a fate. All i can say is fate isn't determined by me. We just have to accept it. Even as reluctant as you are. I will help you along the way of course. How can i not? I'm helping myself indirectly. In return, i will pledge loyalty & allegiance to you & swear my faith. I promise you will be the one & only. Now, if only you would come out of your hiding spot. I know, it may take some time to patch yourself up inside if you are suffering from a broken heart. But, you can't run away & hide forever. I will find you. When i do, i will catch you & i will never ever let you go. These words may mean nothing to those who don't matter. If you feel something while reading this, feel free to drop me a bomb or text. It's freeeee...! Weeee!
We have a plethora of pretty ladies here. Although most of them look like guys.

Who are you when im not looking?

2011-07-14T09:50:00.001+08:00

Yeah. It's predetermined. Love matches are set in stone. Don't go thinking the one you are with is a permanent find. No matter what, if its not meant to be, it is but just a temporary find. Before too long, she'll change her mind. If she has one. If she doesn't then she probably took a retard's one. For those down in the dumps & are stubling down life's dusty road alone, don't fret. If it's meant to be, it will happen. One way or another.

I'm getting tired of this. The whole NS thing is really taking it's toll on me. It's not about the training. It never was. I'm sick of all the guys bragging about their girlfriends. I mean who gives a damn. They can be lavishing praises on her as they speak but who knows what their girls are doing at that moment. One guess is, going out with another guy. Or even better, spooning in bed with her toy. Toyboy of course. & i don't know about you guys but who in the world can think they did nothing after a night of spooning? Even a guy couple would be having some action so what more a guy & a girl together? You still believe in faith? Wow. You're a man. Living in denial. They wouldn't even have known each other if she was faithful in the first place.
I sincerely apologize for this sudden outburst. I genuinely am. It is like a spastic jerk. I couldn't control it. I have written about spastic jerks before. You can browse through my posts if you wanna know what spastic jerks are. Who am i kidding? Asking you guys to browse through this heck of a site when wikipedia is at your fingertips? But really, spastic jerks are undeniable. Just imagine someone suddenly chopping your shoulder from behind. Who wouldn't let out a loud 'arghh'? It isn't awkard right? The awkward part is when you turn back & see no one within a scale of a metre but there is someone just 5 metres away. The girl behind me the other time really thought i was a looney.
I really don't mean to put guys down. I really do think there are nice girls still around. But we are in a phase where by time is very much as scarce as decent girls. We might as well just put relationships aside & concentrate on what's important here. Yes. I'm beginning to sound like a man. That is if this is the first time you're reading my blog.
They can tell me how their girls have dreams & how they're working on it but if you are inside camp while your girl is outside needing help, do you think no one will be at their service? Some other punk will capitalize on such a chance to capture a damsel in distress. By then her dreams have nothing to do with you. Anymore. Yeah you can disagree. Feel free. Your girl sure is awesome. They talk like their girls are their one & only. But when they see a girl walk by here, they ogle like she's the last female on earth. Well girls are rare here no doubt. With that kind of faith, you're only showing me what kind of an asshole you are. & i know their girlfriends out there are doing the same. Good leaping salamanders of flame! I'm not even talking about charmander or charizard. But why am i going so indept on a topic i am as good at as a bankrupt in planning his money? If it's pokemon, i can be described as a master. But love is to me like portugese. Brazillians speak portugese for reasons unknown to me although spanish sucks just as much. I don't know how to say 'love' in spanish but here's to ending this post. Adios!

No idea

2011-07-04T23:03:00.000+08:00

I'm happy to announce that this week, my book out day is on thursday. Yay. 24 hours more than normal. I'm feeling enthusiastic already. No, really. I am. It may not sound like it but how in the world would you know my tone through these words? If you really can, i'd say you can really feel me. I would then try to make you the one i've been waiting for. Men are excluded.

Fourth week. It's shaping up to be quite a week. My article for the trainee magazine was described by the incharge as sensational. I'm not sure why. Because, he edited the whole story & left like only 50% of my original work untouched. If it really was sensational in the first place, never would have made changes. That bugger. But it's fine. The things that were taken out would have put me into trouble anyways if published. I do hope though that this is the first step to me becoming a writer. A songwriter to be precise.
Well in these 20 days, i've learnt quite alot actually. The experience is no doubt priceless. Where else can i march without having people stare at me precariously? I learnt how to polish my boots, make my own bed, wash my own clothes & many more. I got to taste food worse than RWS's cafeteria & drank tasteless drinks. So of course these things can't be experienced at home. Cuz if i do, i would have moved out long ago. As you all know, i don't sleep on my bed at home. It's usually the floor or the couch. Therefore, i don't make them in the morning. They make me. Into a body aching man. Now, tell me, who in Singapore would wash their clothes with their bare hands? That person must be an antique. Washing machines were invented for a reason. I guess SPF still doesn't know the reason. Polishing is a worthy skill to bring to your deathbed. But i can tell you the number of times you would be using that skill after ORD. Zilch.
I believe i'm speaking up for the whole staff of USS when i say the staff cafeteria is the worse staff cafeteria ever. That was before i came to HTA. HTA's food makes even my old workplace cafeteria shine. They were polled as the worst duty meal cafe by the staffs. I concured. Up till now at least. A positive note. I got try sleeping with my socks on. My friend told me how good wearing a pair of socks to sleep benefits you. I just had to try ever since she said that to me. I never got the chance as at home, my mother would be livid if i wore my socks to bed. Or couch. The smell would permeate through the cushion sheets & the whole house would cave in. She likes to exaggerate. But i couldn't take a chance. Since this isn't my home, i can do whatever i damn well please with no one stopping me. & it feels good. I'm wearing them right now as i write on the bed. No smell. The place ain't collapsing anyways too.
While positive things are happening, negative things float right at it's tail. I'm sure you know by now, i havent been doing much or any training at all since enlisting 3 weeks ago. We're into our fourth week now. I have no clue what to do. From what i heard, the creative process works best with a relaxed brain. So, i'm letting my mind wander to let a solution drift in. I'll get back to you as soon as possible. C.L.I.F!

Small steps backwards

2011-07-02T20:29:00.000+08:00

I think some scores ago, I wrote about how I'm a man who doesn't complete things. It's either i drop out halfway or I don't start at all. It's a habit I've been trying to kick these past few years. Still trying.
I think with being in the force, my discipline will straighten out. Cos discipline is hands down the most important thing when you become a policeman. It's even more important than having a girlfriend. But I don't follow rules. & that part of me won't change. I think it never will. Therefore I place more importance on having a girlfriend than becoming a policeman. Doesn't mean I don't like being a justice upholder though. I just like having a girlfriend more.

Did I tell you how my life is full of short stints? Everything I do everytime are more often than not just for a short time. Till this day, I have no idea why.
The first major disappointment would be when I dropped out of Singapore idol after the first round. It was heart-wrenching. Of course, I'm starting with the significant events. There are alot more unfinished business before that. But I guess I mature & I move on. I don't have a problem with moving on. You saw how easy It was for me to give up smoking. I never looked back. I start back only because I look forward. The situations & the possibilities if I smoke & if I didn't in certain situations. I over analyze I know. But that's me. You can't change me, I've told you. I'll only change for myself. If it means getting the one I'm waiting for, I will of course change. Again not for her. But for me. With her interest in heart. See what i did there? A little play on the words. I change for myself so I can get her.
I've told you before I believe. My first job only lasted a day? That was tough to take. My second job can be considered a major improvement since I lasted three days. & I can tell you before my friend & I were laid off, we did nothing. That's why i still remember it. If I had done so much things, I wouldn't remember that stint. But it's my second job therefore, it's an important milestone & I have to remember it. For your information & solely for that purpose only, my third job also lasted just three days. That was at motorola. You must be wondering why I'm still alive aren't you? I should just self mutilate with the kind of life I lead. Well fuck you.

Sorry. I'm just getting use to vulgarities spluttering into my ears all the time. The police are to be blamed for this. The kind of training they provide, I don't know why gangsterism still exists. The teach us to make sure that the only gang walking around in the streets are the gang in blue that goes by the number 999. No 369 or other bullshit numbers. Just the triple decker of a number.
My friends told me I was born to be a policeman because of my birthdate. All nine. 09091989. I just turned away & ignored them.
& did I mention that I'm now part of a a magazine publishing group? No? I'm telling you straight to your face now. I'M PART OF A MAGAZINE PUBLISHING GROUP NOW!
It's no big deal actually. I thought, with me not being involved with the daily trainings in camp, I could maybe use all the wasted time in there doing something. I was lucky my squad mate happened to ask my buddy in front of me. I asked to joined straight away. He has the hook ups. Oh & just so you're not confused, my buddy isn't really a real buddy. He's just my partner. He's a good guy but we're not really close enough yet to call each other buddies. We do call each other buddy. I ain't confusing you right? Well done.
So, i was tasked to craft an entry for the 'transition' column. My experience from being a somebody to nothing. They say us trainees are nothing in there. Out here, I am at least called by my name. That's something enough. Well then, I just sent the draft to the so called 'leader' of the monthly published magazine & I think I might be charge somewhat. The police do charging for everything incase you didn't know. Well he did ask me to write my personal views & all. So I did. & honesty is vital in a policeman's life. I've always preached how important honesty is even if you're not a policeman. So, I don't feel guilty about writing ill about them if they do not behave like one. Okay at this point on, who else thinks my life is over?

My whole teenage years, the police have tried to screw them. I have nothing against them. It's just that I am becoming one of them. That's a frightening thought. But it might not be for long. Because the point of writing this post is gonna be spilled now. I may not be trained in the ways of the force in blue afterall. For 3 weeks, I have sat on the sidelines doing nothing. It sucks. Because if my medical condition, I'm being excused. But till when? I don't know. Should be soon since I'm having my medical review right now as we speak. It's taking so long, thats why I'm writing. I don't know what else to do. If all goes well, I may be given the chance to be a justice upholder. If no, I'll be sitting in the office doing paperwork. That's admin stuff. With a monthly gross income of as much as 420. Even USS pays me more working there 4 days per week. National service is a pain in the ass. But too bad. Even a man with a defective heart isn't spared. What can I do? I can't even convince the girls I like I'm the man for them. How do I fight the government? By the way, those lines no matter how well rehearsed, I will get tongue tied just by her appearance. & how many 'her's has it been? I never learn do I? I can with everything else even more with video games but I can never learn to play the game that's made for two. Cuz the rules remain a mystery. How the hell did I even turn a post about law enforcing into a love story?

Resistance is useless

2011-06-23T19:11:00.001+08:00

As i craft this entry, 10,000 miles away from home, i realize how much i miss my loved ones. Its been officially 9 days now. I havent been away from home for this long since my last overseas trip to Langkawi. Even then, it was only 5 days. & it was with my family too.
I have 1 more to go before i get to whiff the tiles of my house floor again. I dont have a bed. I know its like better being in this barrack because theres a bed here but thats the only noteworthy thing in this place. The last sentence pretty much explains itself doesnt it? By the way, i dont see johor as an overseas place. Because, its so near. Its of a walkable distance. But then again, Langkawi is part of malaysia. So my longest overseas trip away from home may not be overseas at all. At least to me. Considering all my life, my home is my home. My second home varies all the time. Could be my school, the LAN shop or even my girlfriends home. But i dont have a school nor a girlfriend now & i havent visited a LAN shop in a while so, whatever. In fact, my home right now can theoritically be my second home right now because im gonna be spending more hours in this academy. If theres a rule stating that my home is the place i spend most of my time at, then HTA would be my home. But its not where i wanna be most. Neither do i love it here. But if 'she' were here, it would change everything. It would be different. Cuz thats where i wanna be. Where 'she' is, thats my home.
You do know that she's slowly dripping out of the bottle, like the bubbly part of a champagne when its shaken, right? Im having so little personal time that i barely get to think of her. Thats the good part. Actually, thats the only good part. Everything else is bad.

Another thing to note. Im suddenly always thinking about someone now. Always as in constantly especially when im on my bed alone with my thoughts surrounding & clouding me. I have no clue as to why. The feeling of miss has crept up on me perhaps. I havent been able to see my little princess, play my guitar or have edible food. These are the ingredients that perfectly adds up to be a mental torture which could be too much to handle. But, bright side now. Just 24 odd hours to go. Plus, i have someone new to think about as i mentioned earlier. Not too shabby i guess. Of course, this is just the start. I still have 100 odd weeks to go. & it could be 100 odd weeks of doing nothing. Because of my broken heart. Broken as in impaired & defected. I think the number of heartbreaking events lead up to it. Emotionally i mean. Im not even sure why i am here then since i cant be a policeman. We'll see how it goes then. Till that day arrives, & im assuring you slowly, i will update this site. Take care. The man in blue will check up on you. Wooohooo. Very enthusiastically. Really.

I watch, wonder & hope

2011-06-13T13:11:00.000+08:00

I haven't got the time to write these last few days. & there's only 20 odd hours left before I become a national slave. It's fine. I've been a servant all my life anyways waiting on people & working for them. The only difference in serving the nation is the extremely low pay. Which can be foreseen since I'm gonna be playing with guns. That's fun.

Well, the reason I haven't been writing these past few days is because I've been busy. Doing a bunch of stuff. I don't know why. I've been living as though I'm dying on Tuesday, doing everything I haven't done. & there are still more. The main things I haven't done; I have yet to killed someone, I have not kissed a girl, I haven't left a legacy & I still haven't manage to record an album. & yes, these are just the things on the top of my list. The priorities haven't even been mentioned yet. They may sound as improbable as the main shits but I don't care. I never care.
They're not as important actually. They are, buy a house, a caravan, get a son, have sex, have 1,000,000 dollars in my bank account, sing a duet with Demi lovato & run down a zombie, to name a few. No really. I'd rather kiss a girl than have sex with one. Know why? "No, why?", Jack answered. I'll tell you why Jack. By the way, jack answered my question with a question. Ass. Okay moving on. I'd rather kiss a girl I love than have sex with a girl I don't. Or even better, have sex with a girl I don't know. That would be stupid. Usually that would mean a prostitution house visit. But stranger things have happened. Like an impromptu session in the bus or by the beach with a stranger. Wooo.
Now, crazy things do happen from time to time. A villain becoming a police, that's not something to write home about. I might even enjoy upholding justice that I'd sign on for 3 more years after my 2 years are up. I don't know yet. What I do know is that this chapter will be different from the rest of the chapters that had been written. Cuz it's usually me getting in trouble with the police. Now I'm becoming one of them. Like they say, if you can beat them, join them. I wouldn't though if It wasn't compulsory. It's jail time we're talking about. & that's enough to scare me straight.

Maybe once I become a justice upholder, that day will finally arrive. The day when I will change to become a better person. I guess I need some serious shit going on in my life for that to happen. So far, nothing of that significance has happened therefore, I'm still the way I am. I need a do or die situation to happen in my life. The kind where my wits will be put to the test & my mature mind to finally be used. The responsibility percentage to be 100% with a mistake made possibly gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Wow. It sounds like a psychological thriller from Hollywood.
But whatever. If a life changing event is what I need, I guess I'm quite a loser In life, not knowing what is right & what is wrong. Actually, I know what is needed in life. But it's just that I don't give a damn. My mentality is set. I can't seem to change it. The words from Jason mraz's post has totally snagged my brain. It makes too much sense I can't lie to myself that the world won't end next year. I apologize to everyone who is & who had been associated with me. I'm sorry if I disappoint you with how I've led my life. I'll make it up to you when I've become a full fledge policeman. When you're in trouble, just say the word & I'll be there. I'm everywhere.

I'm blind to all of your colors that used to be rainbow then

2011-06-05T17:16:00.000+08:00

Wow. Time sure flies when you're drowned in sadness. I wonder how it would be when you actually have fun. Time must go at light speed. It's not as if I don't know. Everytime I'm on my xbox, an hour feels like 5 minutes. The only thing is, nothing else feels that way.
Maybe I need more fun material in my life. I read that when you're with the girl you love, time will pass as fast as a shoplifter making a dash for it when spotted for his shoplifting act. Because apparently, like video games, love has the same effect on us as fantastic graphics & gameplay. Sensational stuff!
I always read about romance stuff don't I? Yeah. It's been proven. That human beings tend to read stuffs that are mostly not in their lives. It's clear romance is missing in mine. That is why I can only enjoy it through reading. That's the only way I can feel it. & then there are those without money. You'll either see them reading the classifieds section or the horse racing page of the newspaper.

I can't believe my eyes when I saw the date today. It reads 4th June 2011. I mean wow, when did 2011 even arrived? I thought it was still 2010. Okay who am I kidding? I thought it was 2006. I guess that was the best period of my life. In terms of fun. In terms of academic progress, there isn't much to write about. But yeah. I guess my best years are behind me. I'm no longer a potential. I'm a 'has been'. I'm still stuck in that 2006-2007 period. I seem to think no other period of time can top that period of time. I got to make great friends, i got to know love, experience new & fantastic shit & feel the feeling of being broken hearted for the first time. A heart break that still scars me. I don't think I'll ever heal. But it's still worth it. Being 17 was just magnificent. Worry-free, scot-free, no jail term for crimes & simply no care in the world. & all we did was have fun. Fun that no one could halt us from having even if they tried. Unbelievable.
I guess I've grown too old to understand that word now. I'm becoming an adult. Adults don't have a sense of humor! My idea of fun nowadays involves hot tea & biscuits & newspaper. I gulp down hot tea like it's green apple ice blended. It's been years since I last had a cup of green apple iceblend. I remember how fast I could down it with a cigarette right in my left hand. Slurp & smoke. On repeat. Those were the days.
Maybe I mature. Everyone else too. Things are never gonna be the way they were.
No one was thinking about money, time & girlfriend back then. We never had anything in our way. The police sometimes but that was minor. When those aforementioned 'things' suddenly came into play one day, everything changed. Everybody had their own mindset all of a sudden. They had their own perception for the importance of the respective individual namely money & girls. & they grew into people we couldn't recognize anymore. Those things really change people.
We went our separate paths, making our own decisions, changing our lives & things never were the same anymore. That's when I came to realize nothing lasts forever. & that is why I have nothing right now & it's never going away.
I'm still the only one who doesn't place any importance on either money or girls. Of course I want them. Especially my other half. But I'm never gonna let that change me or get the better of me. It's maybe because of my virtue. Patience. I'm just gonna wait. My day will arrive. Even if it's 30 years later, I will wait. For you.
I'm no noble dude. But at least I don't put myself before others.
Maybe one day, I will change.

What I cannot change

2011-06-03T20:07:00.000+08:00

Now that I've retired, I have time to write, write & write. & I love it. It does explain the consecutive days of entry doesn't it?
There's no such thing as writing to reach you. If there is, I would have gotten to her. Right at her footstep. Maybe even at her door step. But as the universe wants it, I am right now in front of my computer desk crafting this very post. & did I mentioned, how much I'm enjoying this? I love it. Okay second time? Nobody cares. I will say it as many times as I damn well please. Well, that's possibly the only thing going for me. & I probably shouldn't be dwelling on failures. Little ones.
Not being cocky but I've come this far. 22 years worth of experience & hardship. Sweat, tears & blood. There's nothing i can't handle. & we're talking about a little minor setback. It's shmuck. I will love again. I will find the girl worth writing 20 songs about. She'll be so worth it, I'll even sing live for her. I will overcome my fear. I'll even serenade her to some secondhand serenade's songs. I'm positive it will happen. When, I don't know. But it will. Now just go with it. I'm trying to move on from a grueling chapter. The least you could do is show some support. In any form. You wanna donate money? Be my guest. You wanna give me your girlfriend? No thanks. That's more of threat than a gift. It's like presenting me with a bomb for my birthday. Nicely wrapped in a square box with a neat ribbon tied around it. No one would have guessed it's explosives in there. Until I open it.
You're just gonna have to deal with that yourself. If you have a girlfriend worth giving away, it means either you're a failure or she is. But you can't be too bad of a loser than me because at least you managed to snag a girlfriend even though she sucks.

In my darkest hours, I found out who my true friends are. I don't have much. But they're certainly more worthy to keep than 200 fake friends. These days, I don't even care about making new friends at all. Because it's useless. They'll just be the bunch who laugh with you. They won't ever cry with you. Unless you spray pepper spray in their eyes after you spray it at yours. Now, I don't seem to trust people anymore. & when I don't trust them, I don't talk to them. It's really weird how these people find me to be very quiet. Cause if they were to ask my close friends, they'll be shocked to hear that I may be the noisiest & craziest friend they have ever had.

I'm getting old I feel. I browse through my blog posts as if they're old photos in a dusty photo album. But as I read, I realize how stupid I have been. Most of my posts were about love. I seemed so obsessed in trying to find the 'her' for me. The perfect one. When will I come to my senses? Its should be clear by now. I'll never find her.
I guess it's true when they say you'll never find the perfect one. Because..., there's no such thing in existence. & from what I've read, romance guides & love tips, who we will make our other half is one who will foresee all of their flaws. Because love makes us do that. We will love that person too much that nothing else matters. So maybe, just maybe, I've been overseeing some of the people in my life. Cuz 'mine' may just be right under my nose. I just never realize it. Yeah. I should stop looking. & just let fate do its work & weave it's magic.

Another page full of jaded hopes

2011-06-02T22:14:00.000+08:00

No wonder for the life of me, I could not figure out why I never once saw her during my two months stint there at the attraction that shares the same breakroom as hers. She was still at her old place! I just found that out from the information I gathered from reliable resources. She transferred after I left. & she just did it again.
But that's history now. I'm focused on the future. Or at least the present.

Pretentiously wrong. I lost when I thought I succeeded. I overcame the fear & texted her. I thought I've won the battle. Because she replied. But I was too quick judge. So, it was 1-0. To her favor.
I found a place to hold. But it's so cold I can barely feel it. & yes. Turned out to be a false alarm. It wasn't a place to hold afterall. 2-0.
If we were playing soccer, I would have equalized before the end. 2-2. & I do mean on the xbox. No wait. I believe I would have turned it around by the end. 3-2 to me. She would have been mine. But I don't like saying that. I'm like making it sound like she's an item. So, I'll just say,"she would have been with me."
I wish love was a game of soccer on the 360 platform. There's no doubt i can win a few matches. Actually, I think I can win 90% of the matches. I would be a love expert. Too bad it's not.
In truth, it is a game allright. A game that's made for everyone but me. I think the best comparison I can think of is it's like a game of guitar hero. I hate that game. It's nothing like the real instruments at all. But till now, I still don't know why so many play them. & just like how I'll never understand why people like that shit, I will never understand how to play the game made for two. Or more if you aren't alert enough. That's evil. I take that back. I'm changing that sentence to 'if you aren't faithful enough'.
I despise the unfaithful kind the most. They are the worst people on the planet. They are beasts. They don't deserve love at all. But sadly, these bunch are still lingering around at large with much people not knowing the truth about them. More sadly, they are also the bunch who has majority of the love. & they are also part of the reason why I'm girlfriendless. They took all of them away from me. Even though unknowingly, they still deserve to be thrown into the lowest depth of hell. Okay I'll stop.
I'm just giving damn excuses for my failure. But I'll get over it. I always do. I wouldn't be here right now if I haven't been withstanding these kind of failure. It only makes me stronger. Like they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I think my heart has some muscles now.
Right now, all I feel like doing is nothing. Stay home, strum the guitar, eat potato chips & play with my mate, the xbox. It's all I can do to forget her. Usually, when I experience heartbreak, it turns out to be quite fruitful as I would have a new song or two. I always write my pain away. For what I don't know. She'll never ever hear the song. & the song will never leave my house. So I guess I do it for the enjoyment. I've recorded a few audios for a potentially new song which I wrote about her. Actually there are two. One is about her & one is for her. There's a real big difference there. It's hard to understand but you will if you are like me. Writing songs just to forget.

Does it help you ask? When you create something monumental for or about someone you wanna forget? It does. When you play it over & over & over again, you will start to develop a hatred feeling due to the strong nature of the lyrics. You will then start to hate her. Some people are driven by hate & anger. They do succeed. I'm not really the type that thrives on that. & I don't really wanna hate her. But sometimes, when you have no way else, you don't have a choice.
She will live in my memories. But I do hate myself for not making her be there forever even as she's part of my memories. The bitter ones though. Ahh! I don't really know what to do. Guess I'll just loathe away aimlessly without a care in the world till the 14th. A new chapter will unfold then. I have a feeling it will be my best yet.

Loser of the century

2011-06-01T11:50:00.000+08:00

I'm thinking about going to the casino & release it all. I know it sounds dumb but I've already taken out most of what's in my bank.

I'm still waiting for my games & DVDs which I ordered online. I sure hope it comes soon. At least before I get enlisted. Actually, I prefer for it to come by this week as I have nothing to do anymore. I am free from work & the only thing for me to do now is clear my mind off her before I go in. I wouldn't wanna be the first to go to the police academy & shoot myself in the head. Just because my mind is not stable. Its full of thoughts of her. I might be going crazy actually. I don't know. But what I do know & going to is pulau ubin. We've been planning to go there for a while but nothing materialize. This will be like a farewell for us who are going in in 2 weeks time.
I'm actually feeling relieved at the thought of going in. There are fears but they are minor. I think my mind will feel liberated from this. It might be a blessing in disguise. But 2 years does seem like a long time right. & when the world ends, I'll still be serving my national service. Here's my plan. Okay. I'm not gonna name it a plan as plans never go accordingly. So, well call this my uhmm foresight. Whatever. Nobody cares what I call it. As long as I works. Here it goes. My friend told me if we were to sign on, we'll be getting more dough. So since we won't be seeing our ns time through, we might as well just make the most of our remaining time here & make as much as we can & spend it all before the apocalypse. I might just get myself a space shuttle so as to escape from earth when the world crumbles like a cookie. But it'll be lonely huh being the only man left alive. If only I can convince her to come with me. We could restart the whole civilization all over again with our own clan. Just the two of is. We can then expand as time goes. & did I mention, we'll do it all in mars? Will Bruno mars be there? If he is there, I'll smack him to Jupiter or Pluto. I have nothing against him. It's just that he's interfering with me & my wife. I have to take action you know. But whatever. I'm talking through my hat without actually wearing a hat again. We'll follow up as the day comes closer.

My worst fear for the apocalypse is that if the world doesn't end in 2012. Cos if I sign on, it'll be for 5 years. I will put an end to my life on my own if the world doesn't. I like where this is going. Actually that is my second worst fear. My worst fear is not leaving a legacy. Okay I'm just kidding. There's only a year & half left. There isn't much time to carve out a name for myself. The true worst fear is dying alone. If you read the older posts, I wrote stuffs like finding my other half before the end. I think that's just as impossible as making a name for myself in less than 2 years. But we'll see. We'll never know as anything can happen. I look at some of the my friends & the hope just automatically sink in. If these people can have a girlfriend, why not me? In fact, I may have found her. I just need to get through to her. We can then die together. That way, we'll be together forever. Forever won't be an imaginary word anymore. I'll be the first to prove it. That's even better than being rich. Or have a thousand dollars in your hand & not knowing what to do with it. She makes me wanna shut it all out & throw it all away. Cuz I'm nothing if i don't have her. Yea. It's something like a showhand.

By the way, one of the movies I bought is an old hong kong movie titled 'first love unlimited'. It's a movie about first love. It's such a romantic movie, I had to see it a second time. I came to that conclusion 30 minutes into the movie. Couldn't find it anywhere on the net so I bought it. I'm no movie buff. I don't watch what people watch & I really don't go to the movies once a highly anticipated movie comes out. But I'm telling you, 'first love' is so good, I actually wanna set out and find my own first love. There have been nominees but yeap, that's it. But they give me a reason to believe. & I can't say anything more.
I've been thinking about going on a cruise trip. You know, have a little getaway. Ever since I've been banned from going into JB, I haven't gone out of Singapore. I did plan Bangkok but my buddy told me if we were to take the train to go there, we'll be passing Malaysia so, the plan was curtailed. Now a cruise trip would be awesome as we won't be going anywhere fast but we'll still be rounding the world. But who am I kidding. I can't even stand a 10 minute boat ride. What more a week at sea. I did take a cruise ride before a few years back. It wasn't so bad actually. The first few minutes were treacherous. But after a while, I got the hang of the constant movement. The whole thing was just around 12 hours as we only toured the Singapore seas although I'm not sure what sea. Started at harborfront of course. I also won a game of bingo. The first time ever that I won that game. Did i mention, it was also the first time I played it?
I didn't want it to end this way actually. Since I spent a year & half there. I did want to take pictures with the people there & my boss but yeah, a heartbreak is too much. I can't step into the place without thinking of her. & I resolved last Saturday to forget about her. & since I couldn't make that day my last day officially, I had to make it my last day by my own way.
I just changed my mind. The plan didn't work out. I know when to quit. You quit when the percentage of improbability reaches 100%. That's when impossible can never be nothing.

The light at the end of the tunnel is actually a train

2011-05-31T03:51:00.000+08:00

I have exactly 14 days to go before going in. & right now, i just feel like writing. This is my warning to you. This post can go on forever. But it's sad isn't it? When someone tells you that nothing last forever.
Yes. It's true. There's no such thing as forever. I don't even know why that damn word exists. It should be taken out from the dictionary. The 'Global Words Federation' should do something about it. But just like the word forever, that organization doesn't doesn't exist. It was made up by me. At least I don't give false hope do it? The word forever just totally emits a whole quantity of false hope. The bastard who created it deserves to have a ten thousand kilogram truck placed on his ass. He will die almost immediately but the pain would certainly make it feel like forever although it was just a second or two. Hold your horses. Could it be that everybody's definition of forever is different?
Okay. The official definition is, "for a limitless time." Time is definitely limitless. But not to us, it isn't. Before I go any further, I would like to say, time's like moving slowly these days cos you're always on my mind. Allright. I've let it out. Now let's continue. That would be our very own kind of forever. Because it doesn't matter as long as she's with me. But I do get people telling me that when they're with their partners, time goes by fast. I can't really put my opinion on this as I've never had a partner. What I do know though is this. Whenever you're preoccupied, time does fly by. That is one of the reasons why I try to do nothing everyday for the past few weeks. I knew that my time there will inevitably come to an end. I had around 20 days to come up to her & tell her how I really feel. But for the life of me, I couldn't. All I did was think about how to go about doing that. & yes. Time didn't wait for me. Well I just wanna say, I failed in my attempts to be with her. I wasn't even close. Now, I'm out of that place. I couldn't bring myself to go back ever since the grand opening day. I suddenly thought to myself, 15 minutes before I end work, that I have no more reason to stay on. The reason all this months was her. The reason why I resigned but came back a week later was also her. Now, the reason I can't step into that place again is, yes you guessed it. Her.

I thought about making last Sunday, the so called 'grand opening' of USS, my last day right at 1753 hours. That was 30 minutes after telling my colleague of my working days the following week. I just realize there's point continuing when I can never get to her.
After I got to know of her transfer, I extended my stay. I resigned as I thought it was a lost cause since she was even further away before her transfer. My friend encouraged that move. But she also said I have to action in order for it to happen. Well I duly agreed. My plan was? Yep. A very stupid one. Try to meet her at the smoking area. The truth is, I wasn't even sure if she is a smoker. But from the information I gathered, it proves that she does. That was why I hatched that plan. As always, I believe I've said this a zillion times, nothing goes to plan.

Even as i tried my best to go to the smoking area for almost every break, I just didn't not stumble upon her. Our paths just wouldn't cross. It's like she's north pole while I'm south pole. It's like everytime we're near, the magnetic force would come into play pushes her out of my way. Or vice versa. It just sucks. The only times I saw her were the two days I went to the park as a guest. Well maybe I should do it again. But what's the point. It would be futile. I'm sure something else will happen that will prevent us from ever conversing. Maybe things like the shrek castle exploding or the whole of USS exploding. I don't know. She wouldnt even reply to my text messages. Not after I told her I work there. I know what she thought. That I'm like the majority of the guys working there. Assholes. Well if she only knew. I'm not.
I don't even mix around with my colleagues. I don't talk to them unless it's absolutely necessary, I don't look at them unless they look at me & I listen to their stories only because no one else will listen to them. But it's no secret that most people enjoying laying it all out on me just because I seem like a good listener. Truth is, I'm a good actor. I just act like I'm listening. What happens in my head while I'm listening is a whole different story. But for the past few months, I usually have her in my head. Yep. I'm not mean if you think I am. Usually after they tell me their worries, I will say I don't judge but I'm on their side. That usually makes them happy. They don't have to bottle it up anymore. So I'm a sporting dude actually. But there's no point crying over burnt toast. I just ain't the great romantic no matter how I plan it. I will never have a girlfriend & I will die alone.
Well just to add on, I AWOL-ed myself since my manager did not allow me to resign on the spot last Saturday. I wanted to tell him the reason I stayed on has been vanquished but he won't understand. So I guess this is the best thing to do. Well I wanted to quit months ago but stayed because of the shining light I call hope in the form of her. Managed to gather alot of information on her so the stay was quite worthwhile. After she ignored me, I thought I should quit. But I stayed on because the opening of the ride I'm working at was close. That's reason enough to stay on for a couple of weeks more. I mean it would be ridiculous to be working at place that never opened when you joined till you quit. & I was positive it would be fun when it opens. It was quite true. Fun. Used that term a little loosely though. Cuz I never saw her during the team members preview. I thought everyone who works there would come. I was wrong. But I managed to conjure up a very dumb thought. That someday, she will come. I mean it's a 'new' ride & I did see a few people working at USS come after work or on their off day to take the ride. The signs were encouraging. Which is why I extended for 2 more weeks after resigning. Everyone asks why I came back. It's not as if it's their problem.
But... yep. Just didn't happen. After the grand opening, I thought I've gone as far as I could. I did wanna see the place opened up officially so it was okay I guess. But then, there is no more reason for me to stay. So I went. No call no show. It's the worse sentence made up of words that can never be put together in the same line.
I was told if I did this, I won't be getting my pay. But to hell with that. I didn't work for the money anyways these last few weeks. I wouldn't have went to work at all if it wasn't for her. I don't need the measly amount they pay me. I'm always underpaid anyways. But if I do get the money for the last two weeks of work, I will donate the money to my department's fund. They can perhaps get a coffee maker or a rice cooker. Yeah. That's how high they pay me. As low as the ground. Only lower. Even lower than how low a coffin goes.

Now this is of paramount importance. Once I become a policeman, I will make sure i destroy all the evil I see.
Our paths will cross again in time. If we're meant to be, it will happen. She won't go anywhere. I know she wont. But I'm afraid I might. Die. Before that happens.
They say the things you love, you can never get them. I love her hair. I love her smile. I would be happy if I can see them everyday even if I can't have her. But that little wish, as little as it is, also wouldn't happen for me. I wish I knew why.
I guess what i thought was a shooting star, wasn't afterall. It must have been some debris falling from space. It seemed like a star though. But yeap, it's proven that it wasn't. Because I made a wish. That she will be with me. But it didn't happen. So it's not a shooting star. It might be though that I did not include the date as to when 'she' will be mine. It might happen after 20 years. But who knows, in 20 years time, her being with me wouldn't be the work of the shooting star. It might all be down to my own work. That will the time when I can say, hurray!

I'll go wherever I damn well please.

Back here

2011-05-24T23:26:00.000+08:00

Can it get any closer than this? Well I would say it is close if she had transferred to my attraction. But beggars can't be choosers right? I mean I'm the beggar. She chose to go to far far away. It's not as far as you think though. It's just like 400 metres away from Madagascar. Try explaining that to an archeologist someday. He'll tell you how stupid you sound.
So this, changes everything. What does it change? I'll tell you what it changes. Everything.

I don't know what else to do. I wanna let go but my brain is telling me not to. Just yet. & I don't know, I have this feeling of some sort. The kind where you will succeed if you try. I don't get that often just so you know. Cuz usually, I either fail in every attempt or I just don't try at all. The few times I had this feeling, I won a nokia phone & got 100 marks for a maths paper. There are more but those aforementioned two are the more significant moments. You wouldn't wanna hear about those non monumental stuffs like stealing condoms or getting caught by the police. Yeah.
I don't practice what I preach do I? I've made it clear to myself that I should not fall for a classmate or a colleague anymore but yeah, this happens. Well, she's not really a colleague you know. She's more of a distant colleague. But damn that, she's still a colleague I guess. So I broke my own rule. But it's fine. I never abide to the rules. I never follow other peoples rules, I buck trends & I don't really listen to you. By you I mean all the people in this world. Sorry. Harsh I know but it only sounds harsh. It's not as harsh as it sounds. But rules are meant to be broken or bent. How else are discoveries made? At least for me. Sometimes, you just gotta go against the law of nature to make new discoveries.
I always hang on to hope in dire situations. Sometimes, when all hopes are lost, I create them. They may sound fake. That's what I call false hope. But it makes me happy for a while. It's actually not as bad. These days when I work, I create something to look forward to later in the day. That's pathetic isn't it? But it always get me through the day. You can say all you want. But it's funny how it relates to 'her'. I buy 4D to create hope on those days when it is available. It certainly reminds me of 'her' now. How & in what way? I'm not gonna elaborate due to the presence of jackasses around. But those smart asses will know where I'm at now. I'm at the top of the world. Over confidence is of course another thing. But yeah. I just need a firestarter. Just like a bunch of charcoal, I will go on on my own when the fire starts. Problem? I don't have anyone I can trust at my workplace. My good buddy has already left so I have no one. Ironically though, it was when he left that I got to see 'her' for the first time. So should I thank him? If I thank him, I have to smack him after that because he left me to deal with this alone. Okay. I shouldn't do anything then. One thing i know I should have done is react spontaneously when I first saw 'her'. I should have taken action. But, it's too late now isn't it? No point regretting. I should just focus on the future & make things happen. I know I could. I mean why couldn't I? Everyone has a fair chance. Unless, you have something to say about it? No? I thought so. Fag.
This glimmer of hope, as little as it is, with 'her' moving closer to me, Is enough to convince me to stay on at my workplace for 2 more weeks. We'll see how it goes. As always, I have a plan. I craft a plan for every predicament I'm in. Most them as you know, never go accordingly. But yes, that's where the glimmer of hope comes in. I do succeed at times. Even if it's like once or twice out of a million tries. I'm fully aware 'she' could fall into the once or twice category. & that's good enough for me. Cause people always say nothing is too good for me. & nothing is what I always get.

One of these days

2011-05-15T20:03:00.000+08:00

I'm a real loser aren't I? I quit my job just because a girl rejected me. Yes, she may be far away from my allocated location but you can never not see people at that place. I'm sure there will come a time when we will awkwardly meet at the lift or wardrobe area. Yeah. That's why I quit. I simply cannot experience such things.

I think for the past few years, I've been too relaxed. I remember someone telling me in life, we need to relax. But just look at my record for the past 6 years. Even that bastard will be astonished. He will then go, "WTF is wrong with you!!?" In Malay of course. He told me his belief in Malay when I was in secondary 4.
So, why am I writing all this? Well, i want you to be the first to know. That a new & improved x100 me is on it's way to feel sunlight. To grace the earth. Tomorrow, this nightmare life of recently will be nothing more than a distant memory. A memory worth keeping just to make for a good story to tell the kids before bed.
I decided against quitting my job after a few days of solid contemplation. I'm telling you, it wasn't an easy decision. I will face 'her' one day. But I'm taking it under my stride. I will give it my all. I haven't really given up on her. I know her tough front is just an act. To cover for her emotional frailty. She must have been scarred by something or someone mentally therefore, she is shutting herself out. From boys. But when I see her, I will tell her those juvenile boys are not worth keeping a fantastic man out for. She will either be so damn pissed or happy so, I'm coming up with plans on what to do if the former happens. I already know what to do if the latter happens. My guess is that, she will jab me in the stomach if she gets pissed off. Yeap. So I'll just contract my stomach muscles & absorb the full force of the blow. But I don't know, stranger things have happened. She may just end up withdrawing 3 steel blades from her hand while it's at my stomach. Yeah a real wonderment. Which is why I need to analyze everything.

I used to thing that being serious is an attribute that you are born with. With that, I believe that not everyone have that. I didn't thought that it is something that you can gain. I was so wrong wasn't I? Alot of people in my life have been telling me how I can't be serious even if my life depended on it. I usually just tell them, "watch me" & then laugh it off. It's a problem. One that I've been working on at the moment. I guess I have no sense of seriousness in me at all. I wasn't born with it. But that doesn't mean I won't ever possess it. Besides, I'm telling you, those who were born with it are most probably grumpy bastards. They have a high chance of succeeding in life but no one will turn up for their funeral. You should know some of yours bosses fall in that category. I wouldn't wanna be like that. So I'm happy with the lack of serious blood flowing in my body. I'm good with just learning bit by bit. But I'm glad my boss has given me the green light to continue working after I resigned a week ago. Well, one way or another, I would come back no matter what so he saved us both a whole lot of trouble by allowing it. This sense of determination is really boiling in me. I haven't felt this way since taking my last exam paper last march. I wanted a place in poly so i studied hard. On the night before the paper. I got an A. Enough said.

Head in the clouds

2011-05-10T15:18:00.000+08:00

The last time I won movie tickets, it was 5 years ago. I was still an immature bastard who's juvenilism destroyed his own heart. I can't say I've grown. I'm mature now. Or at least more mature. Yes mentally. But the one thing that remains the same is my inability to do what my heart wants me to do. It's usually left broken because of girls. No. Its actually me. I break my own heart you see. Because of my inability. But the good thing about a heartbreak is that it reassures me I have a heart. As always though, someone's gotta take the blame for my failures. I blame him. I can't compete with all his damn ideas. That's why she'd rather choose him than me. It's natural. I think all the girls in this world are programmed in this way. I must have done something real bad in my last life. So bad that someone who's still bearing that grudge is making my life really miserable by depriving me of something I've been wanting my whole life. & I've never wanted anything as bad as this.

As time goes, it doesn't look as though anything would change soon. I need to find that someone who doesn't mind these flaws that I have. Truth be told, I think I was born with it. The doctor told me the hole in the heart is something that was with me when I breathed in my first dose of oxygen. I felt the effect only when I turned twenty. It's strange isn't it? But not to me. It's the time when Cupid shot an arrow to my heart so deep that it has a hole in it. I know a hole in the heart isn't literally a hole in the heart. But there's no doubt that it was inflicted by that little bastard. It's no coincidence. At that time, I fell hard for this girl. Nothing came out of it. But the after effect still lingers. It sucks. But life is the pits. You can't win them all. I get angry when someone says that to me. The aforementioned sentence, that you can't win them all. Because, I've never won even once. The battle of the heart. I've won plenty of battles that involves wits. Maybe that's the only type of battle I will win all my life. No wait. I'm a video game freak. I win those battles too. You know what I'm quite proud of it. No you can't bring me down. You can though bring me some candidates. To be my girlfriend. She has to like soccer, video games, soccer video games, sad songs, my voice(I know it sucks), my face(i know it sucks too), my mom & my inabilities. Yeah. I don't think such a girl exists. But I didn't say I'm limiting the candidates to just human beings.

Well I only came to know I won the tickets to Beowolf 5 days after the sneak preview. This time, 5 years on, I got to know about the win email 5 days before the screening. But one thing stays the same. When I took part in the contest 5 years ago, in my mind if I win, I thought I would ask my secondary school crush. When I took part in this present draw, I had the same thing in mind, to ask the current crush. So you see my thinking of romance is still the same. Very old school. I need better & more modern ways.
So, the outcome will be the same. I'm not gonna turn up for the screening. I didn't even know what the movie Beastly is about when I took part in the contest. But from the first line of the review, I learnt that it's a romance show. That was all that matter. I didn't bother to read on further. I'm kinda incense though that fate never agrees with my plans. It's like the immigration officers at the checkpoints who screens you. If they see something they don't like on you, they will trash it. But they're not as bad. Fate is worse. It trashes everything inside my mind. The hopes, the plans. Before they are even manifested. The officers there are understanding at times. They let me off a few times when I brought Malaysian cigarettes in by just paying the taxes.
Before I even won the tickets, I was already rejected. That's how cruel fate is. When it comes to matters of the heart, it never fails to screw me. So, I don't blame her. I blame that thing. I also blame myself. For not rectifying fates error. It must be defective. The whole system has gone berserk. How can I be the only one suffering in it's clutches? Well, you can't fight fate. So, I'll just continue my journey with my chin up. I reckon someday, fate will be be repaired. & when that day comes, I'm hoping to see her infront of me. With arms wide open. Ready to bring it in. I'll accept that invitation without thinking twice. & then probably die because of the hidden knife she kept inside her sleeve. The hidden agenda of the skeptically evil kind. But I will just walk right into it. Cuz I trust her just too much for my own good. I guess that's love. It makes people go crazy. But I wouldn't mind dying In her hands. It's better than dying on my bed with no hand held out to me.

Break my fall

2011-05-09T03:07:00.000+08:00

I'm quitting. The job. That I've held for a year & a half. I never thought I'd last this long on a job. It's a miracle in fact. Shit. A miracle has happened in my life. I've always wanted a miracle to happen in a situation that involves a girl. Now, the lifeline has been used. & I only noticed it now. No wonder nothing seems to happen these days. I feel like buying another one. Who's putting it up for sale? If it's up for grabs I'd offer you a handsome amount. If you'd like, maybe a pretty amount. How bout a cute amount? Don't they all sound attractive? Wooo.

As i have told you, the reason I held to this damn job for a few months more is because of her. I've been exploring the possibilities & the scenarios. So far, all I've done is mess things up. The sheer thrill of messing up is not with me anymore. Not when it comes to matters of the heart. I thought something could happen. It was wishful thinking. But now, I can quit easy. Something like breathing. In fact, I'm kinda proud of myself. Because I tried. I would have hugged myself if I had succeeded. But fuck the outcome. It's a milestone I've reached. I think this spells the start of something massive. I've learned to try. Now, I just need a better way. Once I figure out a better way, the likelihood of me succeeding is as likely as frozen yoghurt melting when put in my mouth. Much like M&M. I don't mean to blow my own horn or trumpet but I'm feeling pretty confident right now. With a tinge of sadness of course. Failure breeds sadness as you all know. But I'll get over it. Give me 5 months. By then, if fate messes with me, I am prepared to give it back what it served me double time. It's the new & improved me. We'd always get me saying there is a new improved me so that's positive. I am improving. Slowly I know.
Actually, I can stay on. If she let's me in. I would need a trump card. My trump card has always been grand gestures. Even though I've never actually done it before. I do feel that it might work. But we'll see. If I change my mind. I need a significant reason. She is one. Truth be told, in this situation, she is the only one.

I strolled down the pavement of Lavender alone, with the moon the only company. I looked at it in the eyes while listening to Stewart mac's 'break my fall'. It reciprocates by looking me back straight at my eyes. Not much people would do that. Even things. If the moon was marry-able, I would have long proposed to it. It sits so pretty in the sky, surrounded by it's fellow subjects that goes by the name of 'star'. Every single one of them have the same name. That is why humans start to name them. After themselves. How self absorbed can they get?
Meanwhile, I witnessed a very sad scene tonight. As usual, I was snacking away at a fast food outlet with this time being KFC. As I put in the last piece of the sandwich in my mouth, I saw a kid rushing to the table at the back. The last piece of my roasta burger was the size of my 3 year old niece's right hand, when clasped, but I've been stuffing myself silly these past few emotional days so it's not a surprise. I've turned into a scrawny greedy pig. But the surprise is seeing the sprinter of a kid laying his hands on the leftover chickens that was ravaged by two male beasts a few minutes back. I laughed at first telling my friend to look at the clown in the making. But the feeling of shock sinked in when he put tattered pieces of meat from the almost meatless bones in his mouth. I thought at first, the little tyke was good do like a chef and mix up the leftovers into something edible. Or at least something edible looking but humanly inedible. I like doing that. In fact, I always do that. Although these last few days, there haven't been leftovers or even scraps from my meals. As you all know, compassion is a sign of maturity. Some people mature earlier than others. Therefore, they gain that attribute earlier than most. WTF was that, repeating the obvious? Anyways, I showed maturity beyond my age. Again, compared to others. I took out the only note I have left in my pocket, a tenner & asked my friend to give it to the boy & tell him to stop feeding on those scraps. My friend was reluctant to do it initially because he felt that it might be an act. The boys irresponsible parents might have instructed their little boy to do that. But I didn't see any adults that might have been his parents as there were only responsible looking people around. & there weren't much people as it was getting late. My friend was against me giving me such a big amount to a small kid so he gave me a fiver to give it to him. So I owe him five bucks now. I asked him to help me give it to him but he told me I should do it since I was being very sincere & that a good deed act like that should be known to the person we're helping. I didn't care about that. As long as the person benefits from my intentions, it doesn't matter who delivered it. My friend seemed impressed by my noble act. Not saying I'm noble & everything. I don't like to blow my own horn.
The kid wasn't hesitant at all in taking the note away from my buddy's hand. But he went back to feast on the scraps as soon as he took it. My buddy had quite a tough time convincing him to use the money to buy from the counter. In the end, he did. & I can't tell you how satisfied I was when he walked out looking happy carrying a bag of kfc goodies. He even turned to wave at me & my white buddy with a grateful look on his face. Simple human charity like that can seem insignificant to others but you don't know how much it means to the person at the end of that deed.
My friend praised me for being a great human being. He believes I will be paid back by karma. That I will find the best girl for me one day & that God will help me.
I don't ask for anything in return. With the good deeds I have done in the past 5 years, It's like an everyday procedure for me. I was an asshole last time. Maybe, not getting the girls I like is payback for my misdeeds. But I don't know. Maybe it's a sign too. That these girls are never meant to be mine & they're not the one. So far, it's been true. I just hope it doesn't remain 'true' forever. As for equality, I think some people are born lucky. They have rich parents & their definition of hardship is, "parents not allowing attendance to Justin bieber's concert." Parents know better actually. They can see through gay wads unlike young brats. Though some are ignorant. They don't give a fuck about their kids. The scrap eating kid is a prime example. Why bear them in the first place? Oh, he was an accident? You were actually enjoying the process of making him? Bastards.
On a different note though, I bought chocolates for my mom to show my appreciation of her on mothers day. It's the thought that counts. She doesn't expect expensive presents.

Love has been so long the way for us

2011-05-03T14:44:00.000+08:00

I've been saying I can quit cigarettes anytime. So why do I smoke. Stay tuned to know the answer.

Even on your loneliest of days, cigarettes will be there for you. What more can I say? Some of my friends think I'm a social smoker. But why the hell does that term even exist? It's stupid to smoke socially. Someone smokes, you follow. You wanna know her better, you take one of her sticks. It's not wrong. But it's just dumb. I do admit that in the past, cigarettes have helped me make friends. Girls even. But I don't really fall for smoking girls. Unless, they have a good reason as to why they smoke. Like 'it's fun' or 'its cool' or 'I have too much money' & so on.
Now, from the day I first started smoking, I built this mentality. Its sorta like a believe. That cigarettes will never have any addictive effect on me. Till now, I still have one foot over it. I don't succumb to temptations, if any. People can say all they want. That smokers have no sense of determination. But if you tell me you've never met any ex-smokers, then I'm gonna whip you back to tomorrow.
I'm sure you know, there are people who quit smoking. & that's not impossible. Because it's not that difficult. It may be at first but once you find a reason or a replacement, it won't be a problem. If you find a replacement for cigarettes, your next problem is to figure out a way to conquer this other habit.
Now then, why do I smoke? I smoke when I'm sad. Those who smoke because they're stress, I'm not sure how that helps. But when you smoke because you're sad, it's like smoking the sadness away. When you're stress out because of something, does smoking helps? Once you're done smoking, you'll be back to face the problem. So how does that work? I don't know. I've never smoked because I'm stressed. Because, I've never been overcome by stress. My life has only ever been filled with sadness. So yeah. & it explains so much doesn't it. That I've never been stressed out. It's either that I have a fantastic will or I've never been through any hardships. Actually it's the former. For me, to never have had a girlfriend, that's hard. & to me, you can't put examinations in the hardship category because it's never a problem thanks to my carefree attitude. But yeah, it's explains my life & the kind of achievements I have. Zilch.

So, how does smoking helps me? When I'm sad & lonely, for more than 6 years, cigarettes have kept me company. Unlike human beings, they stay & listen to you. & they understand you. They circulate your body in the form of nicotine & become a part of you. That's not something you can say of a friend. Or a girlfriend. If you can find a someone other than your family that gives a part of them to you, then I congratulate you. That's not something you can find easily in this whirlwind world. Inanimate objects can be a part of you but it's different. Your iPhone can only so much. But can you look at the stars & the moon with it? Certainly not. & cigarettes, they don't judge too. You can spend a whole hour outside sitting by yourself under the night sky with them. There won't be any criticism as you keep em' burning. They do offer advices too. A few times i have smoked which listening to sad songs. & when I'm done after 7 odd minutes and have nothing to do & have yet to find a solution, which is always, it will tell me to continue. That's good advice.

I quit for 5 months due to the chronic cough I've been having. It hasn't gone away but ever since I stooped, I feel the feeling of miss. Like I'm lacking something. I can never fall asleep at nights & I always feel sleepy in the morning. I would always daze & stare into the blank space. You can call that daydreaming if you want. But that's all for dreaming. I didn't have dreams for months. That's when cigarettes came calling. Those on the top shelves at the prime supermarket will telepathically speak to me. They kept on telling me they are the solution. Even as I'm coughing right now while smoking, I never doubted it's ability one bit. I now sleep easily. Though I still daydream alot. That's one part of me that you can never take away. But that's my story. Me & ciggies. You've heard the analogy peanut butter & jelly. Soon, there will be a new one namely 'wan & ciggies'. Just you watch. I'm pretty sure though by that time, I would already be dead. Wan & ciggies, side by side to the death.

Bastion of invincibility

2011-05-02T10:52:00.000+08:00

All my life, I've always wanted to be a singer songwriter. I mean I am now. Just without recognition. So, that pretty much is as good as talking without any voice coming out. Mutes would know what I'm talking about. It's pointless.

There are always hidden agendas when the government gives us money. I mean why would they do that? All they do is take money from the citizens. It's not that I don't appreciate the $600. I just want more. Maybe like twenty thousand? Every year?
Try telling those bitches how my eligibility to vote doesn't make me a mature man. I've waited all my life for this. Not to vote. But to be given the rights to vote. I feel great. Great enough that I'm having this 'nothing is impossible' vibe flowing all over my body making me believe that I can get to her if I try. That's if I try. I'm usually okay with just dreaming about how it would be so I'm good. But once in a while, accomplishing a feat that nobody thinks you are capable of makes for something to write home about. & I haven't wrote to my house for a while. Gah. Okay I actually have never written to my own house ever. But believe me when I say nobody's gonna give a damn that I'm able to vote. & just to clear the air, I wouldn't vote if it wasn't compulsory. I mean just because we're eligible to do something, doesn't mean we have to do it. Right? Wrong you say? Sorry why are you replying? Was I even talking to you? I was? Okay. My bad.

Speaking of bad, let me tell you a little tale. It's not a fairy tale. I really did not take it from the bible.
This is what a someone said to the girl that I like. "Yeah, he likes you. But you don't have to like him back." Just so you know, she was a friend of mine. 'Was' being the operative word there. She used to be my friend. But I just disowned her.
I'm thinking about giving the money the government gave me back to them almost instantaneously. It's better that I buy something expensive & finish it in one go than to slowly be sponged. It's like bleeding slowly. You will die soon enough. It's just a matter of time. Someone once told me that I will realize my potential soon enough. It will just be a matter of time. It's been 5 years now. Allright let's forget about the sad times & get back to the rich present.

As you all know, I am moderately rich now. & the dilemma I'm facing is whether to be bled slowly to death or just kill myself now. Of course, this is just a metaphor. I'm thinking about investing for the future. A laptop or an electric guitar. Or daily expenses? I think the electric guitar is more vital for my future if I wanna realize my dream. I can finally create songs with an electric guitar! I've been dreaming of that. The laptop ain't that monumental. It may have an impact on my life but then again it may not. I just wanna play FIFA manager. I haven't played it since the 06/07 days when I drowned my sorrows by facing the monitor the whole day. I would always be accompanied by potato chips & cigarettes. At times, migrane came uninvited so I would have to sit at one corner & moan it away. You'll never believe how much noise I can make when I suffer from it. I just wanna say that FIFA manager was there for me on my darkest hours. I wouldn't have pulled through & recovered from the heartbreak of 'the first' if it wasn't for my Liverpool team. That was when I came to realize that video games are so much better than girls. Girls leave you with a broken heart. Video games just gives you a migraine which isn't as bad or half as bad at all.
Now for the third alternative. Cashing it slowly. By now you should know, if I were to invest on one of those aforementioned things above I would be back to my old roots of being poor. It's something I can live with but perhaps not so favorable. Especially with my friends. To tell the truth, I would only buy cigarettes & potato chips. That is till the day I get enlisted. 14 June is just a month a away. The money I have is surely gonna last long enough. Unless I can come up with some stupendous plan that will make her be with me these next few weeks, I have nothing to really splash out money for. & I don't even mind forking out for dates. But it's just fate. It won't allow for it to happen. Me & her. I wish fate is like those Sri lankan policemen. Whom we can bribe. But I know why fate is being tough on me. It wants to show who's the boss. I know who the boss is. For 6 years, ever since my male hormones were awaken, I knew you were the boss. You still are. Why are you being so stern? Oh. You want me to feel hardship? So that I will feel the meaning of treasure? Why didn't you say so?
If in these last few minutes, you feel disturbed by the words of the author, please do not panic. He isn't psycho. He just wants you dead. Oh by the way, Osama is dead. It's about freaking time. I feel for that man though. He was the master of stealth. The US soldier must have used some black magic that enable the bullet to find & go straight through his head. But I won't believe that damn story about him being dead until the body that they claimed to be his is revealed. Then I'll let you know whether it leaves me cold or gets me tingling like a virgin in a porn shop.

Listlessness

2011-04-16T21:16:00.000+08:00

When fate is against you, the universe will have ways of showing it to you. Prove? I have the perfect one. Remember bout the girl I've been yapping about for the last few weeks? I know it seemed like forever. But no, it hasn't been a year yet. Yeap. So, I still haven't got the chance to meet her. It's funny how I haven't even met her once while working seeing that we've been there together for like a year & almost a half. Actually it's not really that funny. Come to think of it, it's supposedly sad.
She's worked there longer than me though. Said what now? I'm forgiven? Because USS is a big place? That's what I've been trying to tell you. I'm glad somebody understood my plight. You're a real friend. Of course i'll let you spend the night here. Now, how did I get to know of her existence then? Despite all my best judgements, I came to my workplace on an off day. I swear to you, that's sounds stupid. Nobody in the world would go to their workplace on their offday. I'm hereby promising to you that such a thing won't happen again. Especially if I work at a school in the future. Oh wow. I'm talking about being a teacher. The dreaming just wouldn't end would it? Not that I want it to. That's the only thing I am good at. Besides playing video games.
My buddy was gonna quit working there because he's had enough of it all. The theme park business is full of deceptions & evil. There's no one you can trust there. & your colleagues are only ever good at one thing. Gossiping.
Before he threw in the towel, or surrender back his RWS pass, we thought about going to the park for one last time together. We decided to take the worst ride ever in USS for reasons which are still unclear to me even now. But I never regretted it. Because, it was then that I saw the megawatt smile. I don't know why I but I have a weakness for that kind of smile. It's too much to bear. It's one of the things that can bring me down on my knees. Not many can just so you know.
Before that fateful day, I've never even seen her before as I've mentioned. I did not know what I was missing. I was attached to that slowest ride ever for 2 months & I did not feel her presence. In case you didn't know, the worst & slowest ride in USS goes by the name of Treasure Hunters & the crews of that attraction share the same breakroom as the Revenge Of The Mummy's crew. She, was of the ROM descent. But I guess since she's the lead of ROM, she would be naturally busy all the time. She wouldn't have the time to go to the breakroom. Yes. That's it. I'm not gonna blame my poor sense of awareness you see. Cuz I practically have the senses that only just loses to spiderman's amazing spider sense. But I certainly did not sense this one coming. I should have. I would have so much longer to plan the actions accordingly. Like transfer to that stupid ride for good. I would be even closer to her. I believe though she is still near to me because of the fact that we work at the same place but we're just lacking fate, the playmaker. Fate organizes everything. From the eye to eye sight exchange, the occasional coincidences, the verbal spats & tongue to tongue. Cupids are just myths. Fate does everything. & God determines what fate does. I have no idea what the last few sentences means actually. I'm just trying to sound smart. By mixing & matching words that you don't usually see together in sentences. By the way, if I had any balls at all, I would have walked by her & smile & see if she knows me. Well that place is sort of creepy. There are a couple of times when someone I don't know call me by my name. It turns out that rumors & stories can spread as fast as a hedgehog, of the sonic kind, there. So I said if I had a ball or two, I would have came to her right? Well, If I had a helmet & pads, I would have taken that indoor roller coaster ride. & died infront of her. Or at her feet. But that would make for a creepy love story wouldn't it?

So when fate is against you, what do you do? When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. By adding sugar. So I reckon, I just need some little sweet words to entice her. Now, can someone please teach me some sweet words? I don't know what they are. Just give me a crash course. I don't have much time left.
I'm keeping faith. If I hadn't, I would have given up right from the start knowing my record with girls. & pardon me. I forgot we need water to make lemonade.

You're so near yet we are so far apart.

Happy together forever

2011-04-14T19:52:00.000+08:00

So I'm spoilt for choices. Actually only 2. But, the choice I make may have the biggest impact ever in my entire life. That's how significant this is. But fuck that. Who gives a shit? I do give shit for free though. I will wrap it up in a paper bag & light it up with my lighter. I will then place it at your doorstep. I will ring the bell & camouflage myself. With my special ability of being stealth, you will never find my perfect hidden viewing spot. You will smell a burning smell from inside your house & open up the door. You will then panic & open the gate. You will follow that with stomping at the mini campfire with your shoe. End of all that, you will have shit on your shoe. Free shit is the shit. No wait. Having free shit under your shoe is more of 'the shit'.

I'm sorry for being gross. I don't normally do this. But being around disgustingly shameless people has affected me. It has influenced me to the extent that I don't think shit is as gross as a lesbian act. I see that almost everyday at work. If for every code 5, I get a dollar, I would have 10 thousand of such coins. I wouldn't need to work anymore. Just experience shit acts.
Now, I recently went for a weird job interview didn't i? Well, it isn't weird anymore. Because, I got the job. Shocked? That makes two. You & my other friend. I'm not. I always knew interviews are my thing. I may find words hard to come by sometimes in interviews but I'm good at acting. I always act interested when I can barely be even bothered. It's not right to act interested. But I'm not interested in anything. So if I don't act, I won't have anything. That's worse than having something useless. Like a electronic powered paddle. Or a switch that offs when on. Or a solar powered torch light.
So now, should I work two jobs? That's like asking for a water cyclone to rock my swimming pool. It's a death wish in short. But I don't know. If the vacuum cleaner selling job is, what you would call, fun, I don't mind switching allegiance. I only have a few weeks so it's doesn't really matter. What matters is the fun. & also money. But if there's no fun, the huge amount if money can make up for it. Cos money is fun too. If there's only fun without money, I wouldn't consider that. I'd rather stay home & play my xbox.
The only problem I find in leaving USS is yeah, you know it. I still can't believe myself that I'm going in on June. So, to leave before doing something about her, it's unthinkable. Technology is so advance in this generation you say. That's true. I have 'her' facebook account, 'her' twitter account & cellphone number. But I blame technology for who I am today. The older generations don't have such fanciful shits right at their fingertips. They just don't have the kind of luxury we have now. Therefore you can see how brave some of the guys are. I can see that in my father too. They don't have to resort to facebook to get to know a girl. They just approach the lady. Now, if only I was born in that era. I would not have such problems with getting to know her. I might even be an unstoppable monster. Well, I actually already know her. The only problem is she don't already know me. Yet!
Of course, she wouldn't be in that old generation so I might still be missing her. & i don't know, If I still am the way I am in that generation, I would be an old bachelor by now. & there weren't any themeparks then so I'd be a poor bastard right now. Who can make anywhere home. Even the lower depths of the canal. I do like the idea of a movable home to be honest. That though would actually involve furnitures, a television, a kitchen, a bed or 2 & an xbox console. You can call me the unconventional hobo then. The rich kind. Of moderate financial stability of course. Without straying any further, I'm gonna end this post with a wise saying. I only say wise things so this isn't actually a biggie. But I'll say it anyways. Operation 'to get her' commences. Objective is, to bring her & me 'together'.
I'm so good at this.

Live like there's no June

2011-04-09T03:38:00.000+08:00

I think I wasted a year. At whitley secondary school. If I hadn't repeated my N's, I would be in poly now. As in this very second. At 3am.
I mean, I knew I would never proceed to sec 5 with the attitude that I had but I just did not wanna go to ITE at that time. But it's fine. I wouldn't be who I am today if not for the time I spent there. It contributed to the makings of the now me. The noble & mature man.

A new chapter will unfold in 8 weeks time. I prefer writing 8 weeks than 2 months. Because 8 weeks makes 2 months seems long. At least longer than 2 months. We could change it 60 days. It seems longer. If we wanna count hours, it'll be even better. But it doesn't matter. We can never stop the inevitable. I will be a policeman in a few months time. That's surprising.
I've never really see myself in that way before. Even though I like to uphold justice, I can't really see myself as a policeman. Maybe because I like to do bad things. Crimes included. These crimes though don't involve the lives of civilians you know. Therefore, you cant say I'm a nonsensical justice upholder. I help people in need. & when I'm in need, I help myself. To some 'things'. But not in the expense of peoples happiness. Cos most of the time, they don't know what I'm up to. Haven't you heard? A thief is a normal person. He's only a thief when he gets caught. If he got away scot-free, nobody knows that he stole or pickpocket. It's the same principle. So, I can be a rogue policeman as long as I don't get caught. Cuz the punishment is severe. Double time. It sucks. But I'll be wielding a pistol soon. I've always dreamed about spinning the revolver with my finger. I'll get the chance to do that soon. I hope I don't accidentally trigger it. It's fine if I hit a bitch or a slut. But if I blow my own face off, that's gonna be tough to take. I also wanna try coming up to someone I don't know & point the pistol at him. Or her. He'll be so shocked, it'll be hilarious. I should ask someone to take a video of that. Hidden cam of course. Okay. On a serious note though, now, I can tackle the issue of gangsterism. I promise you, whoever I see under the void deck in school uniform will be dealt with. That's for the young times when policemen would always find their way to me & my friends no matter where we go. I'm gonna repay the society.

I guess there are the pros & cons. But there are the ups & downs in everything you do. Might as well make the most of it.
I have like 7 weeks to put everything in order before going in. I can't leave things hanging & doors unclosed when I go in. I need to settle what's needed to be settled. One thing of course is the question of 'her'. Action is needed to be taken. Problem is though I don't know what to do. I need to find out soon. Before the gate closes & everything is too late. Now's the time to take a chance. & maybe take a fall. It's that easy afterall.

So where do I go now? Directionless somehow

2011-04-06T02:42:00.000+08:00

Interviews are cool but I'd rather not have them. I mean they shouldn't judge us when giving a job. They should judge us after we quit. Like 3 days later. Yeah I'd rather quit than get fired. I wasn't as quick witted before though when I was working at motorola. It was only my second job so it's only natural to be fired. After three days.
I haven't had a job interview in almost 2 years. The last was, of course, the current job that I'm holding. Men can be faithful to only two things. His religion & his wife. The rest are dependent on the situation. Jobs are, obviously, one of them. Therefore, I tried out for a job I've never really liked. A sales job.
I've only ever worked once in that industry & that was for Walls. You know, I'll help you break down the walls. This is a different kind of wall. Or walls. This is the ice cream kind. So, like any other ice-cream job, we're required to sell the icecreams. It's tedious but it's what we have to do. The thing is though, the 'we' consists of 4 people. It's ridiculous I know. But the reason we did that is because of fun. You gotta have a little or some fun in a job to like it. Because of the fun, we managed to sell everything that was in our cooler box. When we're together, it seems as though there's nothing we can't do. & also nothing we can't say. Because we always say rubbish. But if rubbish is the reason why we manage to sell, then we don't mind having or using it.

I didn't include my pen selling job as a 'sales' job because that was more of a conman kinda job. I didn't manage to con a person when I did it alone. But as a team of three, no one was able to walk away from us without handing at least 2 dollars to me. That was one of the times I can consider myself irresistible. But it took some measures. & lies. Most important thing though, we sold everything we took all the time. The money would be split definitely & each of us got a small sum but it didn't matter. Even though i said we'd split the money, we never split it. Because we use that money to enjoy what's left of the night as a group & finish it on that very day. We would get our share generally from buying ourselves a good time. By morning, we would be like zombies walking aimlessly around city hall. We sometimes ended up at esplanade or beach road. One time, we finished the night at geylang. I don't wanna get to that though. But I'm being honest here when i say I'm still a virgin. Rare candy? Thanks. I'm my only kind as a matter of fact. So you can't say I'm rare. I'm practically an artifact.
So, the interview was weird. I've never done an interview where by a friend is right beside me. The words were easy to come by with no pressure whatsoever. The only thing is we don't know if the job will be ours. The signs weren't so encouraging. But when you give me rubbish, I just hand you back two plates full of the same thing. You can't blame me when you conduct such an interview. Well whatever. Only time will tell if our little bullshitting, which involves my buddy & I completing each others sentences, worked.

As I've always said before, some people just take the longer route to get somewhere. It's normal. Because along that longer way, these people gain valuable experience & knowledge that others, who took the shorter route, can't pick up. This is one way to cover up for being lazy I know. Words are really useful. You can do just about anything with it. But it's true though. Those who take the shorter route will miss alot. They don't know that. But I do. I've said this before. It doesn't matter how long or what route you take as long as you reach your destination. For someone like me though, if I even reach my destination at all, it will be considered a big bonus. Because all I care about is the journey. The journey is always the most important part. What happens after that depends on your decisions during that journey. & I always make the wrong decisions all the time. I cover my wrong doings by labeling them as experience. With that, I become an experienced man. Those bad decisions will mean nothing. & when you tell those stories to people, they develop a little something for you. A little something I like to call respect. That's how you play this short game. The game of life.

Who am I to say

2011-04-05T16:57:00.000+08:00

Hope comes in a lot of forms. Mine comes in the form of a girl. How long will it stay that way? I don't know. But I feel that it's all up to me. If I make the right move, I'd go like a chess master & say 'checkmate' after 5 minutes. If I make the wrong move, which is more probable, I'd go into submission. But not without the believe that I have tried my best & that someday, someone will appreciate my annoyingly endearing ways. If I don't make a move at all, it is just typical me as I'd rather make do than make it through. Yes. That's not even a probability. That's a sure fire hands down certainty.
So, as usual then, the hope proves to be falsified & I'll find something new to label as hope. But that's what keeps me going. That's motivation. I know I'm great in finding ways to motivate myself. But sometimes, I do get fed up, frustrated, and just plain discouraged about my ability to reliably manifest what I want in life. & all I want is my better half to show up in front of my door step. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe that's too much. Okay then. She can show up at my work place. & then tell me she's my other half. I'll maybe try to regain my composure after swallowing my tongue because she's bigger than I expected but that's fine. Because I've found 'her'. Next move would be to kill myself. God must really hate me. I went through so much just to locate 'her' & He gave me something that has "in your in your face' written all over her.

I think the bells inside have finally found you someone else

2011-04-04T00:00:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad or glad or mix those emotions together & form a new kind of face expression which will most likely result in a few face palms. My face is already hideous as it is so to add that on, it would be humanly impossible to describe my face features.
Now, this is quite an accomplishment. People look down on me because I'm an experienced ITE man. There are some things in life which you can't be proud of being experienced in. Especially when the time span is 4 years. Not many can succeed that feat. True, it's not possible to some but yeah impossible's not in my dictionary nor is it in my buddy's. I tore the page that had the word impossible on it. But finally though, someones giving me a chance at a diploma.

I still hate NYP though. The school kinda suck. & I'm speaking from experience. I attended a module lesson there for 4 months. I know how the life there is like. & I don't really like it. It's differs from ITE life so significantly. As much as I hate to admit this, the 4 years I've had at ITE was very blissful. I mean if you gotta be somewhere for 4 years, you have to make the stay interesting. & I always did. This new chapter though is pretty much filled with uncertainty. One thing I'm sure about is that I will have to serve my damn country first before continuing my studies. Whoopdy doo! As if I haven't wasted enough time already. I will be 24 by the time I finish NS. You know how suckish that feels? Of course you don't. Your life is incomparable to mine. Oh, the most important part. This aforementioned story will only unfold if the world doesn't end by next year. Yeah... It won't happen. But thanks for tuning in though. That was nice of you. To listen to pointless words. My speciality. Tossing pointless words at people. Sometimes, it can be sound. I love discarding them at strangers.

To those non believers though, who constantly, like a broken record, keep yapping how I'll amount to nothing, here's a little note to you. There's nothing I can't do when I put my mind to it. I know I'm a lazy ass. But I'm resilient. I'm not blowing my own horn. Not many can boast about quitting smoking. Most of them are maybe dead. As I've said before, video games are my only weakness. But the thing is though, I have no intention of quitting it. It's not hazardous to my health. Only my eyes maybe. But it's fine. I now have a pair of wonderful eyes. One to see long range & another for close range combat. Okay. Straying away. Bottomline, I can get her if I try. Okay no more words. It's the bottom-line you know. But you know I don't follow the rules nor do I listen to you. So, I'm not ending this. Okay, I'm almost out of words. Finally finally finally. Just to add on. NYP's full of bitches. Trust me. I was only there for 4 months every Friday but every week, I see at least 10 sluts with low cut shirts. Plus 10 more skanks with shorts short enough for the shortest man on earth to wear as underwear. I guess those cleavages do pose as some sort of an entertainment material for us. I've always liked a fool or two in my class to make use of. Maybe now, I can make use of them in a way I never did before. Woooo!¡!

Fallen man

2011-03-30T07:05:00.000+08:00

The minute the crew member did not announce my name after 5 minutes of reading out the list, I knew I was talentless. It was so sad. The thing is though, before the announcer even finished the list, another crew member already came to me & said i wasn't on the list & asked me to tear up the number sticker on my shirt & leave. You know I should at least be asked to leave with dignity. After everything have ended. Until all the names have been called out. But that bitch really demoralized me to no end. She & that same secondary school as me bitch belongs to the same group. The group that shattered my confidence. But yeah. The Singapore idol competition happened before I started to get to know that Whitley bitch. But it all happened in the same year. Tell me, how can I withstand such agony?

So, just like the few millions in this world, I am considered an idol reject. The term given to those who who queued up for hours to fail the audition. I waited from 9am till 4pm just to audition. & when the time came for me to sing at about 4.10, I was so nervous, I didn't know what to sing. Actually, I was still making up my mind the whole time while waiting. It was either Jason mraz's life is wonderful or Ryan Cabrera's shine on, last winter or I will remember you.
Yeah. I went with shine on. Because, that was all that was in my mind when I walked through the damn door. But enough about it. It's been 5 years now. I never really think about it much anymore. I mean even after that disastrous day, I still go on with my life. I still go on with writing songs & singing in my head. I still write lyrics in classrooms & breakrooms. I still bring my phone with me to the showers incase a tune comes to my head suddenly & I don't want to forget it after going out. I still sing to peoples words that are in the lyrics of songs i know. I still strum the guitar to nothingness everyday. Suffice to say, I never let that uneventful day stop me from doing what I love. Music is pretty much what I wanna do & all i ever wanna do. It's not going so well though of course. But I'm hoping for a chance to strike up & allow me to record a song in a studio. I do do it & mix it & all at home but the quality of the end product sucks. I need a studio of my own I think. How will it come about? That, you have to ask God. He hates me. He will never give me the answer. Maybe you can like do me a favor & find out the answer from Him for me? Thanks!

Honestly, promise me

2011-03-22T00:09:00.000+08:00

"Hahaha!" That was my response to a friend's suggestion that the world won't end come 21st December 012.
The mayans already did our homework for us. & that was how many thousand years ago. They foresaw something that we could never see. & only these intelligent, female sacrificing tribe have a foresight that would beat any scientists' hands down. How can the apocalypse not happen be true?
But let's just say, if it didn't happen, what would you do?
Well me, I don't know. I don't even know where to start. It would be a real surprise. A welcome one? I'm not sure. I mean having given up on life, it sure would be awkward If nothing happens on the 21st. I would think though it will happen on the 22nd. Or better still, 23rd when the sun comes back up. But if it really doesn't happen after a year, I might try to get my life back on track. It's a long shot but one I'm capable of trying even though for as long as I can remember, I've never been good in long range shooting.

My game is, what everybody's been labeling, 'curik ayam' style. I usually aim for rebounds therefore I position myself nicely where the rebounds may possibly fall. That's no soccer trait in many peoples books but I've got a positional sense. I guess that's down to my sharp sense of awareness. I'm really good with close range finishing too so yeah. As we all know though, we're not talking about soccer so why the hell did I write all that? Oh I know why. It's just my way of telling you my game is simple. By game I mean life. I do short simple passes, get into the right positions & when the chance arrive, I finish it like the great opportunist. Quite simple said, I don't go all out. But I do though give my best in whatever I do. Only thing is I have my own ways. Those ways may not be typical or orthodox. But that's how I roll. I don't follow trends, opinions or whatever the hell you say.
You see, life is short. It might get shorter if 21st December strikes. So, make the most of your lives. Don't be like me. I'm beyond help. Now, can someone tell me how to prove if this ROM girl is the one. Or isn't. Either way I'm fine with it.

Still chasing that little dream I call 'her'

2011-03-20T07:17:00.000+08:00

Well in these recent times, I've developed a mentality that far surpasses some of the best mindsets ever.

So, whenever people say the word 'very', I would think that they said 'barely'. With me, people will only say negative things so it really benefits me in a lot of ways. &, it makes me feel great too. When people say you were 'very' boring there, I would think that they said, "you are 'barely' boring there." That's when I do presentations. It sounds awesome doesn't it? It makes a put down fire you up. You'll feel that you can't do any wrong.

Have you heard the story about lazy people? Yeah. They're the most hardworking bunch ever. I see the skepticism in your eyes. But here's the truth. Lazy people, they don't shirk their responsibilities. They just find an easier way to deal with things. Sometimes, that involves not having to lift a finger at all. But it doesn't mean they don't put in any effort. They give it their all. You just know, everyone will be safe & that no one will die under the guidance of a lazy man. Cuz we are smart. Okay I just gave myself away. Yes, I'm a lazy bitch. But yes, again, I don't neglect the vital details on everything i do. & yessss!, I think of weird ideas to make my life easier. But that's hardwork. Making your life easy is hard. Therefore only qualified people can become lazy asses.
For sure though, I wasn't born this way. But after finding out about the events of 21st December 2012, I feel too depressed to carry on with life. Just as I wrote in my previous post, I came to know about it through Jason mraz 4 years ago & I still thank him for it. Cuz if I hadn't learned about the upcoming calamity, I would have slogged my ass off & my ass would already be slogged off by now. & then the world ends with rewards left unreaped. All the sowing gone down the drain. Yes, I actually thought about success at one time. After I knew about it, I turned into a disinterested bugger who has no interest whatsoever in life. He does have a goal though before going down with the rest of the worlds population. So you can't really say he's a hopeless dude. I'm writing about myself like the third person. But you gotta give credit where credit is due so I'm giving him credit & it just so happens that this guy we're talking about is me. Thanks.
Try to find his other half before the apocalypse. What a noble man. You gotta give him a real pat on the back. There I just gave myself one. You should too. Not on yourself. On me. Damn you. Are you confused? We're talking about me now. Okay.

So, other than that uniquely splendid goal, I have no intention of achieving much anymore. Of course if along the way, these things or opportunities come right under my nose & sprinkles dust on it, I will net it. But sometimes I think twice. Cuz there are things that I may not be able to bear letting go. I'm a sentimental lad you know. Therefore, I can't have too much significant or monumental stuffs hanging around in my life before worlds end. So, It remains to be seen whether I can withstand letting 'her' go after meeting 'her' for just one day. Mentioned in my previous post about finding out who my other half is one day before judgement day. You can be judgmental for all I care. I don't. But it's better than not knowing who she is or would be before the end. I know I would cry if that were to happen. I hope it doesn't. That'd why I hate writing in present tense. There's a chance that it might happen. Just like my secondary school compositions, all those present tense stories that I wrote would have a bad or sad ending. Let's bend the whole meaning of reality & see how it goes for you. Go!

Rescue

2011-03-19T01:12:00.000+08:00

I think with the current natural catastrophe, it's safe to say the end is near. Add that with the human made catastrophe, it's the perfect recipe for instant noodles. I'm happy with instant noodles. I mean it's instant noodles. But nobody will be with this.
2012 is inevitable. We know that. It'll come whether you want it or not. But the problem here is will we even last that long? Ive been blogging about 21st December ever since I got to know of the phenomenon a fee years ago courtesy of Mr A-Z. Yes. Jason mraz wrote about like 4 years ago & I don't know, I kinda got curious about it. So, just as he adviced, I yahoo-ed. Okay he adviced to google it but I prefer yahoo so just go along with it. Thanks. But, maybe by this years winter solstice, the world will be gone. That's how bad the deterioration is.

As we all know, men will be the cause of their own downfall. So said John Connor in terminator. In that world, the cyborgs created by humans are the ones that would lead to their demise. & this nuclear leak at japan could prove to be ours. Although the fantastic four might like to prove us wrong. Some sort of radiation exposure led them to have superpowers. Maybe, this might mutate some of us. Of course it has killed many. So, yeah, maybe it will only mutate the chosen ones. I have a feeling I'm one of the 10 thousand chosen ones. That's a little too many chosen ones huh? But there've been a lot of movies having their own specific chosen ones so this is what I'm implying.

Well with the world ending soon, I believe my decision to sleep less so as to not miss a thing or much of life is not a wrong one. Time has been passing very fast these days & I'm not sure why. But, I believe it's because I've grown older. As we grow older, time passes faster. That is why we oldies need to live in space & travel at light speed. & that's another good reason to stay in mars. Maybe there are already lifeforms there. It's kinda juvenile but I still stick to what I believe. There are aliens residing there. Prime example. Bruno mars. He's from mars. He just came here to upset the balance of earth & sing human beings who love his tunes to sleep. & then he will toss grenades at his sleeping fans. He doesn't really catch them you know. You shouldn't trust species who talk to the moon. He's part of the whole "destroy earth" plan. I don't know how they managed to blend him in with the rest of the American kids. Well, he looks like Manchester united's Nani that's for sure.
Bottomline, we need start repenting. I know I do. I always say I do & will but never got to it. Well I'm still living on hope. Hope that I will find 'her' someday. How else do you think I motivate myself to go on despite knowing everything will be futile come 21st December 2012? Yes, I wouldn't mind even if I find 'her' on the 20th of December 2012. You know why? Because I have no more plans after that. & I'd gladly let the world end. Cuz if not, I wouldn't know what to do if it didn't. I've only planned my life till that Friday.
On a serious note though, Japan really has got some fantastic AV stars. I hope they're allright. My thoughts are with them. My prayers though are with this hope of finding my soulmate before judgement day. Again, It'll be better if I found 'her' on the last day before the end. Because, when she looks down & sees me from heaven, I can proudly shout from below that I loved her till the day I died. You know, they don't really count the days. Trust me. If you tell her that you will love her for a thousand years, she will ask what happens after that. So, you should just tell her you'll love her forever before the world ends. Now 10 days does feel like forever doesn't it? Especially with the torturous sun throwing it's rays at you & tsunami waves crashing on you & the ground opening up trying to swallow you & tornadoes try to suck you in like a vacuum cleaner & thunder & lighting striking at you & volcanoes coughing up fireballs at you & the sky hurling hails at you... Well, that is bad isn't it? I don't wanna scare you any further. Ive already scared the living shit out of myself. So, save japan, save the worlds. Then just like Hiro Nakamura, you can YATAA!!! Well he saved the cheerleader which in turn saved the world. You can do your part by donating & saving your favorite anime creators or writers like Satoshi Tajiri & Masashi kishimoto. Otherwise, pokèmon will come to an end earlier than expected. & I don't think Naruto will be completed by 21st December 2012 but it's better not to leave it hanging at this time. It's too early. Okay. All the best!

The worst guy/ride ever

2011-03-17T18:17:00.000+08:00

Having been working at a department which ride has not been up yet for almost a year & a half, it's only natural to get excited about being one of the few first to ride it. But I'm not a natural buff I guess. I wasn't really anticipating riding it. Maybe because of the fact that the exciting part of the ride, the 3 story drop, has been taken out in place of a conveyor belt. What a difference it makes.
I never got to ride it before they took the lift out but nobody got to. But I do remember sliding down the lift & burning my ass. But just a minor ass scratch courtesy of friction. Knowing that there are no more lifts though destroys the mood of anticipation. & having recently survive a few daunting rides like the Jurassic Park Rapids & the Canopy Flyer, expectations were high. Coming from me, it mustn't mean much. But if I can feel the lack of fun on a ride I've been eagerly waiting to open for more than a year, then guests out there surely would too.
I haven't done the information man position in a few months. The position which they labelled 'greeter' but involves phototaking, posing, quickthinking, radio-ing & more. We're like the information booth only with the chair & the booth. Worse still, we gotta take flaks from guests as we keep postponing the opening date. Like it's my fault. But I don't mind them taking it out on me. That's what RWS trains us to be. A sponge. We'll just absorb complaints & criticisms like they're nothing & pretend nothing happened. Well, anyways, I did that position for an hour with an interval of 20 minutes for every 20 minutes. Im still surprised by the response when I tell guests, especially the foreigners, 'coming soon'. Yep. Same old comeback. "What time?" If It would open today, I wouldn't have wasted my breath saying coming soon & instead just say 'later'. It's exasperating sometimes. But yes, still part of the job.
The ride is a few finishing touches away from opening so here's my advice. Don't expect too much. For those who've waited & followed the progress of the ride all year, try to enjoying it even if you don't. That's the product of high expectations. The same applies for girls. They expect guys to have everything when they don't have a thing other than their bodies to give. I mean I don't mind keeping one body but please, look at me. I'm just a wee better over nothing. So, if you stand by this line that goes 'nothing is too good for me,' then you might wanna consider me. I'm the worst possible boyfriend you can ever imagine on getting. But if it's fate, or just your luck, nothing is too good for you. & nothing is what you're getting.

Picking up the pieces

2011-03-14T11:10:00.000+08:00

There are three things in this world that I've always wondered about.
1st of all, who delivers the mailmen letters? Do they deliver their own letters? Or do they specially get their letters sorted out in the office to bring home? But that wouldn't be fair would it. I would quit as a mailman if I was a mailman if that's how it is. Maybe, we have mailmen who deliver letters of mailmen. But that chain would never have an end. Cuz the mailmen of mailmen will always have a mailman to deliver to mailmen. Unless David letterman is the last 'letterman'. Wow, I just made a funny. How come you guys aren't laughing?

Second thing I've always wondered about is, who cuts barbers hair. You know how barbers have excellent barbering skills. I'm sure they'll be too proud to go to other salons or barbers to get a haircut. So do they do it themselves? If so, how do they do it? It must be an awesome sight to witness. But okay yeah. It'll be awkward.

Well now, If Cinderella's shoes fit perfectly just for her, why did it fell off in the first place? That's the third wonder. I haven't really found or know anyone who's shoes come off halfway while walking. Especially since this is a perfect fit we're talking. I don't think such a thing exists. It's humanly impossible. It's a different story when the shoes have laces. Even though that, it's not easy for the shoes to come off while walking even if they're loose. I'd understand though if Cinderella played soccer & her shoe flew off when she took a shot. She's such a drama queen, that melodramatic bitch. I'm not implying on Hilary duff though. Cuz her cinderella story was different. It was a nice change.

The last one, I don't know if you wonder too but I wonder about it everyday, ever since I started having puberty. Who will my wife be. Yes. I lied about it being just three. Actually, if I count correctly, there are actually 1 million things that I wonder about. But I stopped my counting when I saw your face. She may be the one to stop me from wondering about wonder number 4.

Crash & burn at your feet

2011-02-26T20:38:00.000+08:00

This guy said, "Look out girls. These guys look single. Well, I can see why. Heheh."
It sounded funny at first. Especially the way he talked, with the rock-ish way & his laugh. I laughed as I walked away. But then I suddenly realized that the subject of that insult was me. The feeling changed. It hurts. Till now.
I understand being laid with that statement. But my friend has a girlfriend. I did feel like uppercutting the guys face. But it's already so ugly, I didn't wanna disfigure it further. I can see why he got the job. As a monster rocker. He's just perfect for it. Without a guitar, we just call him monster. Well he'd better watch out at work. If I ever see him again, spraying cold jokes at me, he's gonna go home looking the same. That sick bastard.

On a entirely different note though, I dreamt that Steve Austin asked me for directions to battlestar galactica last night. He was making all those signs of the movement of the coaster with his hands. I was just staring at those handsigns dumbfounded. The interesting part is that he did not speak or make any sound. It was like he was a mute. Or maybe it was my world that was mute. The atmosphere was very silent. Yeah I guess it was me. Hah. But why in the world did I dream of that? Maybe it's a sign. That I shouldn't be stone cold. To everyone who doesn't matter to me. Steve Austin may be stone cold but I'm sure he has lots of buddies all around the world. But it's fine. Cuz he beats people up. I on the other hand let people beat me up. We're different. No matter how fierce or undeniably strong he is, I'm sure he wouldn't make it through battlestar galactica alive. Cuz I barely made it through enchanted airways, a mini roller coaster. That was the first time I took a coaster ever since I got diagnosed with a hole in the heart. So, I'm sure I will die if I take the BSG coaster. & since we're both stone cold, in our own different way, we'd definitely have the same weaknesses.

By the way, I showed stone cold the way to his destination by just pointing out the direction. I did not speak as well. He seemed intelligent enough though so I'm sure he would have found his way if my dream has a continuation. But the ending to that dream was strange. I went down to the interchange of Habourfront after that & couldn't find the queue area for bus 963. It wasn't there at all the service. & it was weird that I went down an escalator to get there because the harborfront interchange isn't an underground one. I thought I was done for. Stuck there forever. But I was saved by myself. How? I woke up. I reckon though if I hadn't, I would have slept forever. You know how those things go. You don't regain conscious until you finish what you have to finish in the odd world. Like Dorothy. In wizards of oz. Now here we go again.
I gotta ask stone cold the next time he appears in my dream again what he's good at. That's providing he's still alive in that world after taking the bsg coaster. I hope though that he doesn't reply me with 'stone cold stunner' or 'wrestling'. Cuz I would really jump off the cliff of mount everest. We'll see who's the real stone cold now then, Stone Cold Steve Austin!

The world's already your toy

2011-02-19T20:28:00.000+08:00

These last few weeks have been crazy. I've been seeing this girl alot lately. I don't know if it's coincidence or a sign. But I kinda feel good about it. It's like when Dorothy meets oz. Everythings just magical. But, I'm sure it means nothing. To her at least. She's cute you know.

Well, I added her on facebook last year since she was my friends friend. What made me wanna add her is the fact that she works at the same place as I do. Except that she's on the f&b department. I know. It's the perfect combination when an attraction operator & a food & beverage-r comes together. Wishful thinking again. But it's fine. I'm too use to this. I've grown accustomed to dreaming about things happening rather than make things happen. At least I'm happy. You can never be happy in real life. Cuz reality doesn't allow it. Just like how a vampire cannot be with a human. The vampire will end up killing the human. These things happen even when promises are made. But it's not up to them. That's just the way it is with reality. It screws us up. & I don't consider it to be a woman. So, when it screws me, it's gay. My virginity is gone.

I think even if i begged on the streets for a girlfriend, no one would take notice or pity. Even if I'd offer to pay money for a girl to be my girlfriend, just for the status, without even having to go out with me at all for a year, they wouldn't want to. Cuz they wouldn't wanna be caught dead with me. Or have anything to do with me. Or associated with me. So, they'd be better off dead.

I feel though that I am at my best when I feel this feeling of miss, the only feeling I have left. It's like my feeling are wished away. Oh. I forgot. I did wish for that once. I feel so disinterested in everything. Well, when I'm at this state though, I can think up of so many sad stuffs to write. Some of them comes naturally. The inspiration just keeps on flowing through my body. It only stops when I feel a song coming. Then I would take out my guitar & start creating. Create what? Shit songs. Or SS.
Sometimes though, this feeling makes people hate me. Because I'm not with these people spiritually. Yeah. They would like be better off having a dead person for company.
How many times have I wrote the word 'feel' in this post? More than my feelings definitely. Here's what my buddy thought about my interest in cars. "Wah siao ah you?" 0% interest. Here's what that same buddy thought about my interest in getting rich. "Wah siao ah you?" Need I say more? &, lastly, here's what he thought about the only feeling I have left in this life. "Wah Wan don't like this leh!" It's all I'm interested in. She is. Ever.
I feel so impotent.

Dreaming of you

2011-02-13T06:16:00.000+08:00

Since valentines day is just around the corner, it's time again for, "love advice from the worst romantic ever."
I have a knack for handing out advices like they're free gifts & more often than not, they sell like hotcakes. Wait. If they're free, I'm not really selling then. To hell with that. Now, let's start.

I don't know where to start actually. So i might as well don't. There'd be no end maybe. But, I do have this to say. Celebrating valentines day is against my religion. So if you see a Muslim dude celebrating outside, you have the right to give him a face jab. With a syringe. I'm giving you the permission to. Anyways, valentines not even a holiday. I still have to go to school. So, a holiday that isn't much of a holiday doesn't interest me at all.
Why would you go through all the trouble of setting up a fantastic night for your girl anyways? She will never be satisfied. Girls are never satisfied. They see some other guy with a different valentines night setting for their girl & they tell their guy why didn't he think of that. It's more than exasperating. & it's also why I won't get sucked in to such a festivity. Cuz I'm afraid I'll end up jabbing my date at the end of the day. Okay I heard that. You said, "excuses," didn't you? Well yes. I can't even get a date to aggravate me in the first place. Nice going buddy. But that won't make me depress. Cuz I'm already at the lowest. So you can't pull me down further. I'm already dead theoretically. I'm only physically moving due to the nature of reaction. I'm spiritually gone.
I've always wanted to take a ride on a ferris wheel. It kinda seems so blissful sitting & taking a spin with the special someone. At least that's what I think. & always dream about. But, i haven't got the chance to do so yet. Part of the reason is because I haven't found that special someone to take the ride with me. It would be strange for a grown man like me to take the ride alone. But I wouldn't mind. Being stuck at the sky as the machine breaks down. It seems so nice. I'm not talking about the Singapore flyer. That is a crap of a ferris wheel. How can they make such a ferris wheel. It's not even a ferris wheel anymore when you can accommodate more than 2 people on a station. It's ridiculous. There's a ferris wheel attraction at my work place at far far away which I've been dreaming of taking with her. I don't know when it will happen. I hope soon before I resign or get fired because I really wouldn't spend 66 dollars to get into uss. It's ridiculous as well. But not as crappily ridiculous as the Singapore flyer though. On the same wavelength. But the flyer deserves more credit. For being the stupidest thing ever built.

Better late than never but never late is better

2011-02-04T06:55:00.000+08:00

2011 may have barely started but it might just be a good year for me. Cuz I have money that I don't know what to do with. It's a real change I know. The last time I had such luxury was when I was 12 & that money wasn't even mine. The past three years, I've been taking money from ITE but I don't even remember where it went. But it's working out for me isn't it? Working myself tired, bleeding myself dry. I don't waste time 'lepaking' anymore, I don't smoke anymore & I don't waste money as much anymore. Time definitely is not wasted. But lately, it seems like I'm running out of time. I don't know why. I just feel that way. Maybe it's because I'm running all the time. Mentally. From what's been vexing me out for years.

I never thought I'd get over some of the bad habits I have. But I did. Smoking definitely is on top on every smokers list so I'm proud. I didn't know I had such willpower. I guess it's really really true that when there's a will, there's a way. Somehow, & I don't know why, it sadly doesn't apply when it comes to my love life. But keeping myself preoccupied has certainly help me in alot of ways especially in coming to terms with 'that'.

Even though so, I haven't been able to curb my addiction with video games. Some say If I ever wanna pass off as a mature adult, I gotta get pass the video gaming phase. Every male goes through this phase. & the ability to get pass the phase is what makes you an adult. I think it's rubbish. But that's how the cookie crumbles.
Saying goodbye to her was a wrench, for all kinds of reasons, but, soon enough, you have to suspect, it may prove not to have been the worst goodbye. We'll see.

Sealed with a kiss

2011-01-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

At the time I wrote this post, I was feeling down. So down mentally that it's affecting me physically. My hair would not stand up anymore even with a quarter of a bottle of wax. It's nonsensical. What God is putting me through.

I've always been longing for someone. Someone to take pictures that don't mean anything with. Someone to sing to. Someone to sing to me. Someone to listen to the crap I write which I label as songs. Someone to write, the crap which I label as songs, about. Someone to have long conversations with at night on the phone without being seen by others as gay. I've only ever had long, late night phone calls with guys so I guess it's okay if people are skeptical of my straightness. But I'm straight. Also, when we have long late night phone calls, one of our activities is to call a girl & prank them. Tell me is that masculinity or what?

It's been 5 years. I'm still struggling to move on. 'She's' made me hate the fairer sex like I have a reason to. I don't because the only hate I should be bearing is for her, not all the girls in this world. I barely talk to girls these past few years unless I have a real reason to. Like saying 'excuse me' because she's blocking my way or 'shut the hell up' when she's too caught up in her gossiping session & doesn't realize that the juicy topic is actually sitting right behind her. Other than that, I'd rather keep quiet & leave them be. Cuz they're a hazard to your life.

The rejection & heartbreak totally shattered my confidence. I never was able to get back on my feet. Or the horse.
Recently, I had a good talk with a friend I don't always talk with. I mean we do talk just not alot. & since it was only him, me & my other friend who was closer to him than I am, we kinda had an intimate session. He's a funny guy, no doubt. Everybody else is funny except for me. When I dress up as a clown, the only one I'll be fooling is myself. So, he suddenly asked me or actually sounded me out about me never having a girlfriend. My answer, as always, when someone asks that question, would be, "I'm not interested." But since it's like a guys night out bonding session over chicken wings, cheese fries & sisha, I just let out everything. & what he told me is true. I shouldn't be this way. I'll only end up deleting the right one or presumably the right one away from my life by constantly shunning & shutting myself out when it comes to girls. I know it's not the right thing to do. It may have been the mixed fruit smoke & fumes that had went straight into my head talking but I replied, "I should consider stopping then."
But you know how the saying goes. 'The first one hurts the worst'. & it's worse when it's rejection & not a love story. I'm so scarred. There's this mental block that I can't get pass or bring down or vault over. Maybe what I need is someone to chip it off the pathway to my heart slowly. For that to happen, I need to let someone in. Who? That's the question of the century.
I've found a way though to forget about these troubles. I drown myself with work & school so much so that I consider it a weekly routine. Which means it's never ending. Yes. So I go on & on & on like a factory machine. The difference between me & the machine is that I don't break down. But when I do, I can get back up myself. Another reason to consider me working at your factory. Alright enough.

Someone told me I have no life. I just told her this is my life from now on. I'm happy. Drowning in my sorrows with life tasks. Don't try to give me the definition of the word happy. I have my own one. Now excuse me while I get back to work. Im gonna keep on keeping it on for 20 years. I'll see you at your wedding ceremony. After work that is.
I guess wax won't work anymore. But now, I don't have to waste time spiking up my hair anymore since it won't stay spiked. So, I save time. I now have flat & curly hair & it fairly reflects my current state of emotion with it being 'down'. The only way for my hair to get back up is if I change my mental thinking & mindset. It sounds stupid but so was Benjamin franklins theory of lightning at first. Moral of that story is? Prove your theories. But I won't change anything. Cuz you wouldn't change for me. Although I wouldn't change a thing about you. It's so sad. How these words counter itself & I end up the loser.

Cavil

2011-01-02T09:19:00.000+08:00

Countdowns are overated. But, well my 2011 started off quite memorably. Yeah I had to work but part of my job was to join in the countdown party & pop the huge confetti thingamajig at the crowd as soon as the clock strikes 12. It was the hugest confetti popper I've ever popped & it felt good. Of course I wasn't alone. A few of the other attraction operators were also there as we spread around the crowd. My boss also joined us. Even though the fireworks was the same one that happens every Friday & Saturday night, I kinda enjoyed it as it somewhat felt different. It's a new year people. I think it's changing me. I'm becoming a more appreciative person. But to hell with that, I gotta be a more positive articulative man. I wanna make 2011 a year like I've never had. Because there's only gonna be another year after that which is 2012 & then it'll be all over. I know I've never been one to believe in superstitious stuffs but i have my reasons if I choose to go against my beliefs. & it usually turns out to be the true.
So, I've had my say. New year means the start of school which is very dreadful. When I was in secondary school & yeah primary school, this was the moment I hate the most as it was gonna be the end of my holidays. Where's the fun in new years celebration when you have to go to school the following day. It sucks. But I've learned to appreciate it now ever since I went to ITE. It's because the holidays for ite student ends the week after new year so it's easier to come to terms with the end of the school holidays. But it's fine. I don't really care anymore. I'm gonna be ending school soon. & the worlds ending too so just one more new years countdown before everything ends. Favorably.
I don't think I'll be doing the same thing for countdown oh 12 as I think I'll be in boot camp on that day. Damn. So I'm gonna marinate on this years & hope 2011 won't be as bitchy as the last 20 years. & the last 10 when I'd always wish that it'll be a better year than the last & it never happened.

Here was how I started my first day of 2011. I slept the whole afternoon after staying up the whole night after coming back from work. I watched 'grown ups' & a hong kong movie called 'give love' which starred a very pretty lady. I couldn't fall asleep to that. Not on a pretty lady's acting although Megan fox does make me think twice about saying that. Found out her name after doing some 'research' on the net & now, I'm trying to get more movies of her. That was one of the highnote of 2011 after the countdown itself. I'm hoping for more to come. So, this is the G-man signing off wishing you a happy new year. Try to pretend to be elated even if you're not. Cuz some of the people you're gonna fool with the pretense might just be the next important person to come into your life. You never know who's falling in love with your smile everyday. So don't frown. Be a clown. That actually sounded funnier in my head. Okay. This time I'm really signing off. Sign off! Sounds like BLAST OFF! in my head. Whatever. I know what a girls 'whatever' mean. It's another way to phase 'fuck you'. Believe me on this one. It's really true. Oh & here's my new years resolution. To be punctual for everything. It's funny. My world is 10 minutes faster because I set my watch 10 minutes early but I can still never get anywhere on time. It's a real problematic habit. Especially for school & work. So, I'm working on it. I'm gonna set my watch to 10 minutes late so that even if I'm late, I can still look at my watch & have a clear conscience because it's still early in my world. I'm so crafty, it's no longer surprising.

threat of force from Down Under

2010-12-31T19:29:00.000+08:00

I think countdowns are okay. Not good, not bad but okay. Just okay. Well the reason it's not good is because it's the start to a new year. How is counting down to that be considered good? It's unwelcomed. You dont welcome the unwelcomed. It's like waiting to welcome a stranger or an unknown to go in your house. You countdown the time to that moment. Well I don't mind if the stranger's a pretty lady. But you know how those pretty & strange ladies are. They're most likely to be evil. Or they're old sorcerers in disguise. But I also don't really mind if that stranger is good at playing Pro Evolution Soccer on the xbox. I've been looking for my match for quite sometime now. It's hard being a pro. Everything is too easy. So a stranger turning out to be a tough opponent is actually welcomed to my house. Do take note of that, strangers reading this. Even if you're a hobo & you reek of skunk. You can versus me but maybe just for a match. But I don't think you would even have the means to get on the internet to read this. So, it's fine Pro Hobo.

Now, on a slightly different view, countdowns are not that bad because it's one of those moments when you get a chance to do something with your love ones. If that's as rare as elves having a street parade down the Singapore freeway for you, then embrace this moment. There are actually things to do on countdowns. Not much but yeah there are quite a few events happening. Usually, what people look forward to are those fireworks that greet the new year. But it's quite strange with the time difference all over the world. When we're celebrating new year, people in the uk still have 8 hours to go. Yeah but who cares anyways. Well I haven't celebrated the new year since 06 just like Christmas. I guess I grew up. Everybody does. & then we kinda lose interest in these sort of events. But I certainly don't need to be reminded of almost getting squashed by a bangla circle. If I had been squished back then, it would have been the worst start to a new year ever in my life. Even though that, I still had a good time wrecking orchard with a group of hooligans prior to that countdown closing bangla problem. We were definitely brought back down to earth. We thought we owned orchard that night & we could do whatever we want. I still think though that we could have killed someone with that momentum we had. Thank goodness we didn't.
So, I'm working on this very year's countdown. So I can celebrate with my family. But the thing is, universal studios Singapore is having their own countdown party tonight & they're preparing it as I'm writing this & waiting to start the event. Well, just an hour more. Oh & im helping out the event. But, i'll have the chance to join the countdown later on & watch the fireworks. I think it'll be the same one we have every Friday & Saturday night. So, till then, happy new year!

You tell me to live

2010-12-27T04:38:00.000+08:00

I may not celebrate Christmas but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy it. & when your work place is blasting those carols out loud, you can't help but feel festive even though the weather leaves alot to be desired. Those Americans who come to USS would know what I'm talking about. They celebrate authentic Christmas in their country. So, a sweaty Christmas is probably too weird for them. But who cares. They're the ones who stupidly came here.

You know it's Christmas when you hear the cleaners belting out christmas carols in Chinese. Somebody should tell the her though that there is no Christmas song in Chinese. Yet. Or maybe she was just singing for the new year, I don't know. But what I do know is that there was real passion in the singing. You can see she was more into that than cleaning which is her job. She was risking her job there being all festive. I wonder if she knew that it's Christmas tomorrow not Chinese new year.

I haven't felt the strong Christmas atmosphere in a while. The only time I felt the festive feeling was 4 years ago. Ever since then, I never felt like celebrating anymore. Perhaps because I'm not a believer of Jesus being a God. But I remember 4 years ago, me & my buddies going to orchard on Christmas eve. We met early to play LAN for a while before embarking on our journey to merryland. Somehow, orchard seems to the destination for whatever celebration. That only reinforces the idea that Singapore is so damn small although I still get lazy to go down the convenience store two blocks away to get myself food because I think it's so far away. That's why I look like someone who lacks nutrition. By the way, there's a new celebrating destination now which is RWS! I'm not promoting or anything. But MBS sucks, if you didn't know. Just saying.
So the fondest memory I've had for Christmas was on oh-6 when when wrecked havoc across orchard road. We even witnessed the bangla circle which grew in number & size unbelievably in just a matter of minutes. We tried to stop their antics by spraying most of them with snow sprays but they just danced through that. Soon, more and more joined the dance & we had a crowd of spectators. Me & my buddy gave up trying to break up everything & just watched the whole show which could be also labelled as a parade right across the street infront of the condom shop. I'm not sure if that 'c' shop is still around. Yeah. That's how up to date I am with my surroundings. Singapore's such a teeny weeny country but I can't even keep myself updated with the littlest bit of changes.

But I enjoyed working on boxing day because the Christmasy mood was still around & we had cake which was bought by my boss. Still the best boss of course. Me & my crews, which made up a grand total of five bodies, had like a little Christmas feast of our own. & with snack gifts from the management, which is surprising but not really to my surprise that they're feeling festive because Christmas sometimes change people, we kinda had a good bonding session over tidbits. & it rained heavily, something that occurs as rarely as me feeling festive. What isn't rare is that I bought a souvenir home. I'm not gonna state what it is but yeah, I still love taking something from a significant day home to remember that day by & I don't care what it may be. I'll even bring home a bomb if it's gonna make me remember something forever. See that's different from stealing. I don't steal anymore.

I hope the new years eve will be great. Because I'm working. Till new year. No countdown for me. Maybe just in my head. But there'll be fireworks happening. Yeah. I know. Dull. I've seen that damn fireworks countless times. Maybe it'll be different this time. Like an extra cracker exploding or a nuclear bomb accidentally thrown into the fray. That'll liven things up. But again I'll say, new years eve sort of determines the course of our lives for the entire year. Not many agree but I'll always stick with what I make up especially a clever sounding theory. Most of my theories though sound way better recited in my head than out loud. I still don't know why. But for 2011, I just wanna graduate from ITE & go one step closer to getting myself the desired plan B. The plan B is a diploma so I'm still a long way from achieving that. There's something even longer away from achievement & that is my dream. I'll try to get it further next year but we'll see how it goes. & if I fail or fall along the way, that's when the plan B comes into action. It's not totally favorable but yeah, it's gonna keep me from being homeless. Actually I don't mind being homeless but I have to have like an RV or a caravan, that suits me too. The other dream, it's gonna be harder but I think it's just impossible.
The girl of my dreams. I always hope everyday I will meet her. Because most of the dream girls, by looks only though, just walk right by me like I'm wearing the cloak of invisibility so that's why I said meet & not come across. Cuz for meet, we'd actually converse so that's awesome. Yes, it'll still be awesome even if she's the one who does all the talking. As she's the dream girl, I don't mind just listening hopelessly. & that will only prove even more if she's the dream girl cuz if we're fated to be, she wouldn't mind. If she walks away before she finishes her pointless & incessant talking as she sees me listening hopelessly, then she's not the one. Well, at least not the one for the 'Wan'. That's a nice closure. I should do it more often you know, closing off my posts with fantastic sentences or words. Here's one. Isn't it nice to know that the lining is silver? Hats off to me. I'm totally on fire. Okay douse it off before i get ahead of myself.

I guess I'll have to wait & see

2010-12-19T02:13:00.000+08:00

No matter how hard I practice this, I can never seem to win. & I do mean in the arcade. On my phone, I'm the champion like no other. Because no other has tried it on my phone yet. I'm not gonna let people train on my phone & then steal my ps3. Although I have doubts about whether those ps3s & mobile phones are actually win-able. Cos it seems as though the machine is programmed not to let human beings win.
Countless times, after the minor prize level, I slipped up. If had taken the minor prizes instead of trying on for the major prizes, I reckon I could have opened a novelty store by now. Yeah. That's how crazy I am. But you know I don't give up easily. That's why I go on & on & on. Yeap. I give up only when there is absolutely no hope. Yea. When my money runs out. So, I came up with an idea so great, you might find it hard not calling me Einstein.

I plan on going to an arcade on my pay day & make sure never to leave before I win the ps3. Or any other prize worth at least 300 dollars. So yes. It's a do or die, something I used to call truth or dare. Actually I started out by accidentally calling truth or dare, do or die. I took a dare & had to make a goofy face infront of a girl I had a crush on. So, you can pretty much call it do & die too. I didn't die but yeah it was worse than death. But since I was in primary six, the impact wasn't as significant.

So yes. I might be trying that out on the 28th. Who knows maybe Santa might sprinkle some of his magic dusts on me & help me win. I don't know. But what I do know is that if I don't win, I'll be begging for alms at the side of the street immediately right after the whole thing. But, if I win, I'll maybe buy the whole machine & put it in my room. For what I don't know. There are lots of things which I do that are unexplainable. But you can be assured that those things are never ridiculous.

Let's take a chance as this romance is rising over before we lose the lighting

2010-12-06T12:23:00.000+08:00

Its kinda funny. When you have no interest in life anymore. You just move along with time as it goes. & time really does pass faster. Yea. It's because you don't have anything to think about so all you do Is concentrate on what you're doing at the moment & everything will be smooth sailing. You should give it a shot. I had a shot last night. A goodbye shot of sparkling blueberry. & I thought it was farewell champagne at first.

Speaking of shots, I just realize young girls are starting to wear short shorts too. Some as young as 15? What is this world coming to? An end that is. Well, at that age, I would say I was very much mature & have something that most kids don't have when they're 15. A brain. Yep. But what's in the brain is a different thing altogether. So let's not go there. Yet.
I don't know. I guess these girls don't really realize the danger of street urchins who fertilizes females for fun. They call it a hobby. Well I call it rape. But who cares about what they call it anyways. Because once they strike, you'd be speechless. This is not just for the young girls. It goes for guys too. Young guys. It makes or break your life. It is at this crucial period of your life that guys who are sodomized turn gay. So, do wary.

So many changes are happening these coming days. I'm not sure I'll get used to it. My adaptability is high but I just don't know if I can get used to this massive change. I know it's a part & parcel of life. It's inevitable. But sometimes, you just wish some people haven't made the decision they made. It's sad. I guess I'm a real sentimental bastard. I don't know when I'll change. I get sentimental over the littlest of things. It's a problem, I know. But I don't know. Maybe if I change, someone else would hope that I haven't changed. It's okay. I am one of the best in the world when it comes to making decisions. I wouldn't hurt peoples feeling. Not for nothing. Some do it for a little something which I like to call fun. I was one of them. But as I've said before, who we are's not who we'll be. End.

I'm used to changes. It's nothing I can't handle. Just that these sort of monumental changes takes time before I'll get used to it. Around 730 days. So meanwhile, I'll be living a life of denial till then. It's what I do. It's what manic depressives do. When they're depressed. & that's like at least 12 hours everyday.
Positive side... There's no bright side to this. I've never been attracted to someone because of their personality before. I know, it's a wonderment. I don't really care about how a girl looks on the outside. She can wear make up as thick as three layers, I don't care. She can have pretty as fly hair, I don't give a damn. Okay I was attracted to a girl who has a fantastic smile so I won't add that. But you can put all that together & I still won't be enticed. Not without a brilliant personality. The juvenile me of the old days probably was different but I've seen the light. I now really understand the meaning beauty is in the heart of the beholder.
So right now, it's pretty much an end. Its not a new beginning.

We keep ourselves a mystery

2010-11-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

It's kinda good to know that there are still attractive girls out there who are single. Yes. Without a man. I always thought that pretty & sophisticated girls are all born with a man. I'm glad she's proven me wrong. But still, I think it's just a matter of time. Before someone knocks on her door & asks if she's home. Stupid question but one that might actually get him into her pants. I know, it's sad. I'm weeping right now agonizingly. But what can I do. I can't even start by knocking on her door or even ask her where her door is. So, I kinda deserve it. Thanks for agreeing.

I should start changing the way that I blog. People tell me that the way I blog is weird. People usually blog about their daily lives & happenings. But I tend to write about stuffs that people care about & subjects that aren't possible to blog. But yeah, that's me. I'm not self centered or self absorbed. I think about others before I do anything. Before I throw a plastic bottle into the rubbish bin, I think about whether that bottle will cause the world to end. If on that very day, I'm feeling very emotional, I wouldn't throw it in the bin then. But if I'm feeling okay, I still wouldn't throw it in the bin. I'd just leave it at the bus stops or classrooms or breakrooms. Yeap. Its a whole new dimension of selflessness people.

People can say what they want. I can't control that. But it doesn't matter cos I won't let their words bring me down. Yep because I'm resilient. Underneath the floppy hair & goofy smile, it's a lair of steel in there. Still though, I wish some people would just learn some manners & try not to talk about someone when the person they're insulting is sitting right infront of them. I get it. She wasn't aware I was there. But it's still just common courtesy to make sure when you're talking about someone behind their back, it's not literally behind their back. Stupid bitch. & I gotta tell you, she's not that awesome herself just so you know. Fat fag. I almost wanted to jab her but she was lucky her boyfriend stopped her before she went even further. I guess it just proves to show that guys have a better sense of awareness. & we don't gossip. I would love to smack her the next time I see her but I may not see her ever again because it was just for one day that I helped out at the attraction. Also, she might already be dead right now being stabbed by another one of her subjects.

& just to add on. That single girl who's available but doesn't really mingle, she a real visual pleasure for the eyes.

Who are you now?

2010-11-26T21:33:00.000+08:00

It's November! Yeah. Exactly what I said when I first realized it. "WHAT!"
November's a tough month. It has always been this way. I don't know about others but yeah, it is for me.
Someone once told me to get through November, you just have pretend it's October. So by the end of it, it'll be December. & by the end of December, you'll just have to go through the same shit you've been doing the past years. It's the 12 months never ending cycle. You think it'll be over after 12 months. But another 12 months come right after that 12 months. & good God, it's already gonna be the end of November. See, it works. I keep thinking It's still October. That's why I didn't realize the month with the longest day of the year is coming. & I'm only blogging for the month of November now. Cuz I thought it's still October & I've written quite alot for October. I know. I'm so crafty, I keep surprising myself.
My method for quick time passing is good in some ways but also bad in some. One of the bad things is that it's money consuming. Maybe that downside is just for me but I don't know. I actually bought gifts for my family members who celebrate their birthday on October. The ironic thing is that I didn't even remember about the dates on the actual October but somehow, I bought it for them this month. I know. I'm unbelievable. & not in a good way.

Now that November's out of the way, I'm gonna have to somehow tackle December in a different but similarly effective way. I've been doing alot of thinking about it. But I've got nothing.
I did come up with a suggestion which I told myself in private. It is to keep blogging. I look at myself & told myself I can't believe I came up with such a stupid suggestion. That's feedback from yourself for you. I then took a knife & stabbed myself. I then shouted out, "that's for being stupid!" I then replied, "what do you call this then?"

But then again, I don't think I want November to end yet. I mean it's gonna be Christmas soon & yeah, my workplace keeps on belting those Christmas tunes. They're being very festive, it's worrying. It's just as concerning as being in the same room as two grown men who keep on complimenting on you. & I do mean me. After Christmas, it's the new year. & then the self reflection session time which involves me asking myself, "did I really just went through 12 months again?" Well the only bright side to this year is that I managed to hold on to a job for a year. I know. Major life accomplishment. But I don't wanna speak to soon. I might get fired by the end of December for all I know. By the way, it'll be our anniversary on the 14th of December. Yes! USS & me. If only USS was a girl. I'd marry her. Oh sorry. I got a little bit out of control there with my emotions. Me getting all emotional, that doesn't happen often. Yeah. Part of the reason why is that I don't care about anything in this world. Okay maybe perhaps a little in finding my soulmate. But yeah. That's it.
Decembers also the month I'll have a three weeks vacation period which is highly in need by me because of the fact that I have no rest day anymore except for public holidays which always conveniently falls on Fridays which means I have to work. Also I don't think there are anymore holidays before the 18th so, boo.

So yeah. A couple of positive things this year. I'm hoping for more next year. Perhaps something like keeping my job for 2 years. I know. I'll be awesome by then. How bout this then. Now wait for it. Wait for it!!! *Takes out the couple ring that was bought 4 years ago & completely rusted now*
YEAH! A girlfriend to give a home for the ring. Her finger is all I demand. Feel for the ring please. It's been searching for a home for 4 years. Yea it's a little rusty but when love is all that matters, why bother? See I'll even oil it or paint a coat on it. That's how much I love you. If only you knew...

What you are's not what you'll be

2010-10-31T10:05:00.000+08:00

Ever since she left, I haven't had a motivation to wake up in the morning to go to work anymore. I know it's no big deal since I only work twice a week but I'd always get excited on those days. It was a good sign. I was actually looking forward to working. Cuz 5 days of motivationless school days were more than enough. & on days she was on off, I really did not feel like going to work at all. So I didn't go. It's been 3 months now. I kinda still feel the emptiness in my heart. I certainly have no idea why I asked to convert to a part timer. My brain must have fell asleep at that time. Nothing new actually. I'm surely gonna get fired soon. Well I asked for it. This lack of sleep's gonna be the death of me one day. I'll probably either die naturally because of sleep deprivation or I'll die of concussion because I fell asleep while walking & fall into a manhole head first. If only she's still around. I'd be wide awake at all times around her. I'd only be sleeping, all pretence, just to quietly sneak a peek at her. Yeah. The smile is enough to melt even my cold, hard heart. It had such a significant bearing on me that i had to write a song about it & hoped to play it to her one day. It just did not happen.

Some say I should find a new source of motivation. Some advised me to self mutilate. I'm contemplating on every single suggestion I got. Thanks to the unassurance, I'm still accepting all the ideas I can get.
One thing for sure is that every thing that happened was just a phase. The phase of life. Just one of the many phases that I'll be going through that'll disappoint or benefit me according to my actions. Yeah. I blame myself. I blame myself for not acting early. I was too afraid of rejection. I wasn't aware acceptance existed. I thought it was all gonna be the same if I tried. So it's better not to know. Now, i wonder about it all day. How it could have been. But then I thought about someone. I changed my mind. I blame that secondary school bitch. She demoralized me till this very moment. Her rejection has left a hole so deep, I haven't been able to climb out of it yet. 'Yet' is kinda an understatement. Maybe, i'll be stuck forever.
I know my chances of acceptance is 0.012739% with every girl but I don't give a shit about all that if it means I can start trying again. As I've always said, someone's gotta take the blame for my failures. But this is, no doubt, contributed by someone I thought would be the first & the last. She never became my first. But she certainly was my last.

A misfit in progress

2010-10-12T23:52:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling proud of myself right now. It's not always that I feel this feeling. Well I was proud of myself when I managed to take a bottle of lubricating oil out of cheers without being caught. I was also equally proud when I managed to spray my name with gravity on a HDB wall although it would have been even better carving my name on a bathroom wall. & how bout this then. I managed reach twenty without having a single tattoo imprinted anywhere on my body.
Those achievements as you can see are minor & juvenile achievements. These days, my achievements are more mature & highly rated. Okay. I kinda sound like a self-absorbed, self centered bitch right now. But now I know why they(bitches) do that. It feels great making myself greater than I really am. I think they should teach exaggerating in school. The world might turn to be a very sad place but it's such an awesome skill/attribute to posses.

Ever since I started Higher Nitec, I've managed to do the unthinkables. Yes. A whole lot of unthinkable stuffs. I'm still a lazy ass though. I've managed to maintain a feat that's so great, I call myself 'stupendous shahirwan' at times. I know it's not true but just go along with. I just feel great hearing praises lavished on me even if it comes from myself. That's how low the life of a lowly man is.
Even though that, I have to say, i wouldnt have gotten a hundred for math anywhere else. I wouldn't have the ability to control a crowd, part of my job, if o hadn't joined the social club in ITE which made me more sociable. & I certainly wouldn't have had a chance to experience studying in a polytechnic & realize how great ITE teachers are if they did not send me for a module there. If there's a diploma course in ITE, I would certainly study for mine there. & yes. One of the achievements I'm maintaining is an A for at least one subject every term. Yea i just checked. The results came out last Thursday but I didn't wanna ruin the last few days of my holidays so I held it till now. I can't bear to stand knowing I didn't get an A for the last few days of holiday. If I can get an A for a subject for this last semester, with my current GPA, I don't think there'll be a problem getting into poly. Not that I want to study there though.

ITE seems to be a great platform for useless stems like me to shine. & to think I actually dreaded having to join ITE when I had nowhere to go after secondary school. It actually gave me a place to be at. I would have otherwise be living at a dumpster now.
When I think about her though, as she's in university right now, I feel lower than the dead man caught in the lower depths of a quicksand. & at that age, I can only say if I am amazing, she's like the amazing-est. I think I'll only be in university when I'm 30. Alot of people try to make me see the brighter side of things when I tell them that. But seriously, when I'm thirty & still studying for just a degree, she's gonna be a millionaire at home making a baby. I couldnt say babies because I just wanted the sentence to rhyme & it also hurts knowing she's producing or doing the act of producing more than once with someone else. Yeah this is great. I should stop. I'm on the verge you know. Of moving on. So, this sort of talk would only halt the progress. The progress of a misfit.

Permanent relief for my pain

2010-10-10T19:57:00.000+08:00

Alot of people's been talking about the ominous 10/10/10 which is today, especially my friends on facebook with the statuses & all so, I might as well write about it.
People talked about the very unlucky date 4 years ago which was the 6th of June 2006 & said how an apocalypse of some sort might happen. A small one which wont wipe out the human race but big enough to create a chaos. They, or we, also had an issue on how the 07/07/07 might turn out to be the most lucky day ever In the history of forever. Scientists also made a big deal of 09/09/09. Okay that was just me. & my buddy. We talked about my birthday. & exam date which conveniently fell on that very day. But i can say we're sort of like scientists too so the aforementioned sentence does carry some weight & significance. Back to where it we were. Where were we? Oh yeah. The stupidity of auspicious thinking.
No apocalypse happened on the oh 6. No miraculous winning spree happened for any gamblers on the jackpot date & 09/09/09 certainly was no big deal. So, 101010 won't be of any difference I'm sure.

I had a very long talk with my manager today about my discipline at work. Nothing new. Except that it's never been that long before. It took about half an hour.
I was watching an old smosh video in my Breakroom with earphones when suddenly I felt a tap on my leg. When I looked up, my colleague pointed at the direction of the door. Standing at the half opened door was the man of the moment. I took off my earphones to listen what he had to say. I kinda had an idea as to whats gonna happen next.
As we headed to the meeting room, I thought to myself, this is the end. I was late for the last two shifts, yesterday & Thursday with the latter being worse as I was 30 minutes tardy. I've said it before that there's no reason, or at least anymore, to stay around as the one time sole reason is gone. Whether or not she'll back on January is unconfirmed but it doesn't matter. I don't care anymore. Time has helped me move on. She means as much to me as the stray snail that glided infront of me this morning. I could have easily just stepped on it & feel nothing.
So, I was surprised by the outcome. Just a warning letter. I guess that kinda makes him the bestest manager I've ever worked with. He gives me chances, he tries to help me all the time & he's not like those factory supervisors that I've worked under. I don't think I'll ever last this long on a job. Maybe it's time I change. For the better. I've always thought I needed a reason to change & that it should be a girl. I don't think it'll be worth it at all. Or at least as worthwhile as changing for the greater good of mankind. People from all over the world will see me so it's not for no reason that I said that.
I've always been so good at pretending. But that doesn't mean that I enjoy it. & I'm definitely not allright. It's about time for the world to see the real me. I'll capitalize on this chance. This I promise you.

There is also beauty in the tears wept from defeat

2010-10-06T03:52:00.000+08:00

October's gonna be a good month. That's what my pet bat told me last week. Through supersonic soundwaves. Before it made itself scarce forever. Haven't seen him since then.

But who am I to be skeptical of his(it has balls. i accidentally caught a glimpse of it a fortnight ago when it flew over me wearing nothing) words? Or soundwaves? I'm just a singer. She's the world. & he's(pet bat) a homosexual. So the math my man.

September was okay. But just. October's kinda looking promising. Major life turning events seems to be happening on the 10th month of 2010. To start things off, there are 4 family members of mine who'll be celebrating their birthdays this month. I know it's not a big deal but it is to them so I'll just give it the benefit of the doubt.
This is a big deal though without a doubt. Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 comes out on October the 19th! Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. It's like Hari Raya coming early, only more meaningful. But three days before that, on the 16th, the new Naruto game will make its way to the game market. It's been a while since I've gotten as excited as this. Not since Ryan Cabrera came to town 2 months ago. & also when xbox announced the release of xbox 360 although I took five years to get myself a console. Doesn't matter now. Cuz in life, there are always 2 or more routes to success. I always seem to take the longer route. But it's not a problem since I reach my destination none the less. It's better than taking a shortcut or rushing things & then die halfway. Back to the slow present. Well, the third major life threatening event, sorry I mean money grubbing event(same principle actually), is the dated release of EPs of artists I like. They are 'The Rocket Summer', 'A Rocket To The Moon' & last but not least, 'Jason mrazda'. I just hope I don't bleed dry at the end of October(die of being penny-less. I'm doing this bracket thingy awfully alot In this post. Possibly because it's October).

My friend kinda questioned my credibility to be completely relaxed during this school holidays. So far, I've been using up money, not working, only working one day a week as per normal & play the xbox 12/3.5. The stumbling block that prevents me from accomplishing the 24/7 feat comes in the form of my dad. He simply can't stand my loathing & carefree attitude. That's something I don't understand. Does he want me to have problems in life? I mean I've ever only had one problem in life & I overcame it. It was playing hookey during those school days. I've come to terms with my inability to do anything around the girl I like so I don't label it as a problem anymore. It's now deemed by me as a blessing in disguise. I'm such an optimist.

So, they keep giving me flaks on how I refuse to move on to the next phase of my life. I mean whose life is it anyways? This life is too short to be taken too seriously. 'Too' being the operative word there. Yes. I do get serious. Sometimes. But I can't stand money hungry people who strives to be rich. They call these people the ambitious bunch. I call them the greedy pigs of our generation. I guess I didn't grew up wanting to be rich. It's not a wish that I'll make even if I found a magic lamb which has a magic lamp which contains a magic genie which grants us wishes.
Money is not a necessity. A lack of it creates problems but it's worse when it's of abundance. I'll be content with having a sufficient amount for my needs. Furthermore, alot of people tried to be rich but died trying. Only a handful really get rich & it's through underhanded means. & yeas. Only a fingerful get rich the honest way. It's all the fault of the green thing which screws our mind. The wanting to be happy results in either of this two. Happiness or death. It's sad that not much people know that the root of happiness Is not money. Rather it's contentment. I'm happy right now cuz I'm content. Get rid of the thoughts of the unnecessary & you'll find that life is actually quite easy. Or it at least gets easier. It is us who control the way our lives go. So, make the right choice. With choices comes regrets & happiness. Everything is just a point of view. Don't let others bring you down. I'm a satirical exponent. & I don't care what people think of that.

Heart still beating

2010-09-27T00:15:00.000+08:00

I wrote a song about her, name it after her, listen to it every night before going to sleep & dream about her. I guess she'll just never know. Why should she care? If I had any balls at all, I'd tell her. But not in a creepy way though.
Well you can't blame me. I have a knack of not sharing my inner most thoughts with people I'm not close with. I'm not sure if that's a trust issue but yeah, I've been doing that or not doing that ever since I first managed to come up with inner thoughts. It's strange but I'm sure you've heard of stranger things. Like plugging a USB cable to your belly button. With the belief that you'll be able to download your self into the computer. My friend believes in that. I just said 'of course'.

On an entirely different note though, I bought a new lighter today. It has a flashlight & it glows whenever I click it. I know. It's cool. Yeah. Everytime I buy a lighter, I pledge to use it till the day I die. & I'm probably gonna die one day because of cigarettes. But I never stood to that vow. For good reasons though. I always have my reasons. I wouldn't just tap a stranger's shoulder or organize a mass suicide for nothing. My reason for not sticking to the promise is mostly because, the lighter doesn't want me to keep the vow. More often than not, it retires itself after a year or so which is totally unfair. Sometimes, it hides itself. & sometimes, it goes with other people seeking greener pastures. I totally don't blame my friends when they borrow lighters from me to start puffing & then put it in their pockets the next second while we are conversing. It's a typical act. But, one that's planned by the lighter itself. They somehow plant a thought into peoples head into doing so. Yeah they're clever things. I though plan on keeping this one till I'm old. Cuz if I say till I die, then it could be tomorrow. & I don't want that.
t'll be kinda weird though to see a 70 year old lighting his cigarette with a flashing, kiddies lighter. But hey, I buck trends, I halt the flow & go the other direction & I certainly have no interest in other peoples opinions. So till then, I'll see you again. Maybe by then, I would already have moved on to the next phase of my life or I've managed to tell her about the song i wrote for her. Or maybe, I'd be dead. But no matter what, I'd always be there to catch you when you fall. Yes. Even when I'm dead. It's not as creepy as it sounds. It's never.

21 & invincible

2010-09-09T06:12:00.000+08:00

I'm kinda stoked about winning a pair of tickets to the 'The Album Leaf' show tonight even though I have no idea who they are. Cuz the more important thing is, this good luck streak of 0909 continues. Maybe, just maybe, this might be the right time to ask her out. Or maybe something smaller, text her or msn with her & confess what I've been storing inside all this while.

I don't know. Maybe this might be a one off thingy but I don't remember the 10th of last year being shitty. Besides, God is on my side now since Hari Raya is a few hours away. Perhaps, the good deeds I have been doing in recent years to reimburse for the the juvenile times have finally been recognized by Him. Or maybe, whatever it is He has been reserving for me is now being shown to me in phases so that I'll continue to be a good soul & be rewarded with the grand prize in the coming years as it is a sign of things to come. I'm a patient person so I'm okay with the wait. But I just hope that she will be part of His plan. I know if we're fated to be, she won't go anywhere but as days go by, I feel like she's slowly drifting further away from my grasp. I know how terrible a fate it is to be fated to be with me. But she can be assured that I won't be like other guys not appreciating what they have.
Being born with a handicap in love only makes me stronger. I can't deny that. I almost gave up in it since I'm such a hopeless romantic but it's the little things that make me keep on believing.

I guess the only way to build on this good omen is to go to the show tonight & see whether The album leaf are a band that plays my kind of music. If they turn out to be so, then I promise I'll try. I'm not gonna care about the outcome. Let it be disappointing or agonizingly painful I don't care. Cuz I've tried at least. If, it's otherwise & the album leaf sucks, then I know when to quit while I'm ahead. If only I have a crystal ball to look into the future. I'd be what you would call the impeccable decision maker in the history of history. I wouldn't have to make a fool of myself more times than a normal person would. But hey. Not knowing the future is a thrill actually. If we anticipate everything correctly, than the fun is diminished. Although sometimes, it would be awesome to know if I could get away with a murder. Nyah. Now, excuse me while I go & wiki 'the album leaf'.

If today was perfect, there would be no need for tomorrow

2010-09-08T23:01:00.000+08:00

I think I've said it before but i have no obligations to say it again. I've grown too old to remember the significance of birthdays. Well the way i see it, I grow a year older at the turn of the year since it's a new year. I don't suddenly turn older on a specific day. If you're meant to be mature, you will be at some point of your life & it does not occur on your birthday. When is everybody gonna see that? I don't know maybe it's the pre 21st syndrome thats making me utter spiteful words but yes, it's gonna be the same even when I turn 46. & I'm gonna be 22 in 3 months time. It's awesome.

The truth is, there's no real difference being 21 from being 20. Or 19. I still can't develop the attributes of an adult. I still laugh at peoples misfortune, I still thrive on other peoples misery & I definitely still think I can survive with just working once a week. Well, I for one think that it doesn't matter if I'm a late bloomer or a non blooming kid at all but the problem is, I'm not the only human living in this world. There are always others who will talk or keep telling me what I should do & how I should lead my life. Assholic meddlers. I mean I don't mind following instructions if it means getting two hundred thousand dollars but sometimes, it gets too ridiculous, I feel like developing an electronic gadget that would make me dictator of this whirlwind world. & then I'll be able to lead the life I wanna lead. If being 21 officially isn't gonna give me that, then there's seriously no point in turning 22.

On a positive note though, I can now officially watch an R-rated movie in the porn hub. I'm sorry I mean movie theater. I just have the perception in my head that Lido is a pornography centre ever since I was in secondary school. I know. The obsession of wanting to experience an R21 movie publicly in an enclosed area with strangers has made me a looney. But Im sure I'm not the only one. I'm gonna celebrate my 'newly' arrived adulthood by overcoming the overwhelming obsession. See you in Lido kids. Yea. I might be there each day of the week. I might even play hookey & cut class or, even better, work, to go satisfy my desire & curiosity. I just wanna know how they play porn movies in a theatre full of Singaporeans. & i also wanna witness the faces & the reactions of those watching. & most importantly, I wanna see how couples sit through it. Will they be all wet after the movie or will they be long gone before the movie ends? I wouldn't be surprise if I see them outside the nearby hotels. But I'm sure they'll be surprised to see me if they remember me from the theatre cuz I'm there alone. Wooo.
Hari raya falls conveniently on the next day which is quite good. I really can't handle a big event on my birthday again. Although it will be the eve of raya this year.
Last year, I had to take my exam on the same day. But still, I got an A for the exam so the signs are encouraging. Maybe, something I could never achieve can be achieved tomorrow if I try. Or maybe I would stop thinking something I could never achieve could be achieved on my birthday. Yea that's more of a realistic hope. But I don't know. If I had any balls at all, I would try no matter the day. Cuz birthdays aren't significant. It's just another day. But still, I gotta thank God that I've made it this far. So, happy selamat hari raya to every single one of you humans beings. A little side note to this otherwise interesting story. I spent a hundred getting myself a pokemon gaming station. I must say I'm proud of myself. It's just a little birthday present I bought for myself. It's not weird you know. I kinda deserve it you see.

Gotta catch 'em all!¡!

2010-09-04T06:50:00.001+08:00

When you have nothing to lose, you know you will win no matter what. That is a very inspirational line. But I only apply it when I play pokemon. I mean what else can I apply that to?

With the release of the much awaited & anticipated Pokemon Black & White, the kid inside me lurks out of the shadows. Wait, what now? Since when did he hide?
Ever since i started playing the pokemon yellow version, I've never found another role-playing game that's more fun or as fun as it. The truth is, no one actually tries to catch 'em all when they play the game. Only a seriously psycho kid would do that. Cuz winners like me, we beat the gym leaders & the elite 4 & or course, our assholic rival who more often than not appears out of nowhere when our pokemon party's life gauge is lower than the lowest low. Notice how I labelled my self as a winner? Yeah. That doesn't happen much. Or at all even. I'm pretty just a winner when it comes to video games. But I'm not ashamed of that. I'd gladly admit that infront of anybody. Don't worry pikachu. I won't abandon you. I'm no scum who turns their back on their own friend.

I pride myself to becoming a pokemon master just like Ash ketchum. The only problem is, I don't have my own show. Ash has, on the other hand, 12 years worth of episodes that would surely one day, if ever, ends with him becoming a pokemon master even though new villains & pokemons keep on coming right after he thought he had defeated the last elite trainer & caught the last pokemon. He never though did catch a legendary one. So, that'll never make him a pokemon master. I though managed to get 150 when I played the blue version 10 years ago after spending my all of my Hari Raya collection buying the equipments needed. A gameboy cable for trading pokemons & another cartridge, the red version, to catch the pokemons that aren't in the blue version. Luckily for me, my younger sister had a gameboy console too last time or I reckon I would have bought another console myself. & I catch legendaries to so that makes me better than ash ketchup. It's too bad the whole thing ended with my save file being corrupted when I caught the glitch pokemon missingno. That darn thing messed up the data & I had to restart the game all over again. Luckily though, i hadn't caught the unexisting pokemon Mew. I've I did & the whole game got corrupted, I reckon I would have killed myself. I never did get to catch Mew in the game. It seems that it's impossible to get it without using cheats. That Is why they set the total pokemon to 150 instead of 151. I did though catch Mew in the Ruby version thanks to the gameshark system on my pc. Through the emulator, I got myself a ferry ticket to faraway island & caught the mischievous pokemon who kept on running away upon contact. But I knew it was just a matter of time before it became mine. I duly caught it with a master ball after 50 ultra balls failed to contain it. That's my Mew story. I still have a thousand more stories related to pokemon if you wanna hear it. You can add me on msn & ask away. Cuz I'll be telling away gladly.

Lately though, I've been having this urge to start playing again. I've played all the titles but I haven't managed to finish the recent version which Is the diamond & pearl due to the lack of a nintendo ds console. I'm still peeved that the guys at gamefreak only produce them for one platform. They should introduce them on psp & xbox too you know. Cuz that's all the gaming machines I have right now. Well they do have emulators for the games & that's how I've been playing them these past few years on my phone & on my psp but for the nintendo ds version, they've only come up with a pc emulator because it needs a powerful processor which is lacking in mobile phones & psps. Even though that, there are still bugs on the pc version. Over the last few years, I've been playing pokemon alot, on my mobile phone. It certainly gave me something to keep my mind from thinking about the sadness & sorrow I felt. Well up until recently when i changed my mobile device, for the first time, into lousy apple. Ever since then, I haven't played it. I don't know. Playing the game is so soothing that my soul don't give me problems. When I play, I get really into it & I put myself in the game characters shoes. I guess I've always wanted to go on an adventure alone wandering aimlessly around the world although it's easier in the pokemon world because it's quite small. I wouldn't have a care in the world. Now, I just feel like like playing again probably because I feel sad & i wanna get away from it all. I can't afford a holiday abroad so this is the next best thing. Yes. Best!
So, I'm gonna get myself a nintendo ds console in the coming days cuz I really wanna try completing pokemon platinum. & I really don't wanna play the damn emulator on the pc cuz the frame rate is faster, in comparison, beating an old man walking down the stairs but only just. I wanna get to know the newer pokemons & I wanna catch a lucario. The lucario movie is quite sad if you didn't catch it. You should try watching it. So then, in a few months time, the English version of black & white will be out & I can get to know a hundred more new pokemons. With that 5th generation, I'll have to catch 500 plus pokemons before I can say I've catch them all. I don't mind trying to get to know them. It beats getting to know a girl & get heartbroken for nothing.
I'm still kinda bumped not getting to meet Ryan Cabrera & take photos with him. Though getting to hear him live was quite a privilege. But the thing is, I might not get to be a musician now since i lost the chance to get tips from the main man. Plus side, I can now fulfill my destiny of becoming a pokemon master. Age does not matter. Although I'm 21 & officially turning 21 in 5 days time.

Exit To Exit

2010-08-30T06:02:00.000+08:00

I've never been to a concert or a show before so I don't have anything to compare this to. But I gotta say, Ryan Cabrera was amazing.
Ever since I first saw him in the music video of 'On the way down' in 2004, I've always wanted to make my hair like his. Cuz it's perfect. & how can it not be when he uses a whole bottle of wax to style it every single time. That's what he confessed to a few years back. I'm not rich enough to be able to do that. Besides, my hair will never obey my wishes anyways. Everytime I want it to stand, it will lie down. Everytime I want it to be straight when it's long, it curls itself hopelessly like me when I sleep at night. But it's not just the hair. His music has always been inspirational.

Last night, or a few hours ago, he talked about each & everyone of his songs before playing them. I was moved when he talked about the song 'true' before playing it. He told us he wrote the song for a girl whom he can never say anything to. Someone as assertive, articulate & talkative as him not being able to come up with the words when it mattered? Yeah. Doesn't happen much. It only happened when it comes to that special someone. When he said, "Everyone of us has that one person that makes us like that", I can't help but feel emotional. If he feels that way too, then there's nothing wrong with me. The difference between me & him is, he played that song to that special girl. The outcome wasn't what he hoped for. The girl did not feel anything he said & didn't care about him. But when he became famous & appeared on tv, the girl changed her mind & kept calling him. By then though Ryan had already moved on. That really made me inspired. I wanna be like him. This is no longer just a plain saying anymore. I'm motivated by his words. I wanna prove them wrong. By them I mean the girls who rejected me. I knew & I still know, they think nothing of me. That's fine because I really am nothing. For now at least.
My guitar playing skills pale in comparison with Ryan cabrera's but even he wasn't interested in music when he was young. I think I can still make it. I just need help. I don't care where it's gonna conm from. But i know if I try, I can do it.

Ryan closed the show with 'on the way down'. That song still means alot to me. He tried to add more songs to play because he said he might not be coming back for a long time. He took 6 years to come here so yeah. I was a little disappointed that he didn't play 'i already know' but i think he don't play that anywhere. I hope it really comes out in his next album, which he's working on at the moment. But he played a song he rarely play live which is 'find your way'. The newer songs that he played includes 'rise', one of my favorites, & 'enemies', a song which he said was inspired by a girl who cheated on him.

I hope in 6 years time, when he comes back maybe, I'll be able to play with him on stage. I know the world may have ended by then but hope has always been the thing that keeps me going.
I don't think I can be as funny a person as Ryan. But hey he's human. & if he feels awkward talking to someone he finds special, the one, then there's hope still for me. He may have forgotten about the special girl but I will always remember her even when I play in Colorado. & he'll always be my hero. No matter what they say about him.