Isolation at water's edge

Currently I’m consuming toxins by staring at my phone & sipping Capri sun simultaneously. 

I've started to go on 'staycation' trips with a group of friends recently. I'm not sure why. I don't really have anything to get away from in truth. I don't love my job, but I don't hate it. & I adore my bed, so why would I even pay money to sleep elsewhere? Perhaps I've succumbed, & I'm now conforming to social norms. I've become the very thing I hated growing up. 

I took a much needed break from those very people today. It isn't very fun seeing the same set of individuals for a number of days consecutively. Maybe it's just me, I get bored with humans.

My break began suddenly without even a warning to myself. I exited the hotel & I just started walking around the block & before I knew it, I was lost & finally at peace from recent recurring pressures. I didn’t have my wallet on me unfortunately, nor a timepiece or compass which would have helped greatly. It was high noon & the sun was delivering its finest rays from above. I was parched. My throat was closing up after a few sticks of cigarettes & all I really wanted was a sip of water. I came to a long block of retail stores,

diners & delis, cocktail bars & convenience stores, all of which reminded me how foolish

I was to not have carried at least a fiver in my pocket for emergencies. I decided to make

myself comfortable in a restaurant booth & pretend to look the menu over until the water

arrived on my table. I drank it calmly as if I wasn’t broke & thirsty, & then pretended I had to leave suddenly, offering the lie that I’d be right back. It worked a lot better than asking a convenience store clerk if they had a restroom or a small cup of water. Those things aren’t free. But you know what is free sadly? Matches. Water, which is necessary for survival, costs money. But fire, which would make it easy for me to burn down said convenience store, is a handout.

The night before, the boys & I decided to explore our inner feminine side & watch the movie Shopgirl. One hundred & twenty minutes later, I couldn't stop myself from wondering if I'd ever meet someone special, kind of the way Claire Danes met Steve Martin & got a taste of something special but earned a more true love later thanks to a dedicated Jason Schwartzman. I wondered if my Jason Schwartzman was out there bettering herself for me, or was being throttled by a ghost. The movie shopgirl aside, the plan was to binge watch old or retro movies. However after my excellent recommendation, they decided one film was enough & went to sleep. What a bunch of privileged philistines.

There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.

Did you know the Greeks have four different words for love? Not even a store can offer that kind of convenience! I think I deserve to have a way to say I really love ice cream & I really love my (grandma) without bringing her into a world of lactose intolerance & a madman's craving for chocolatey deliciousness. 

Eros is the passionate love, with sensual desire & longing; where erotic comes from.

Philia is friendship, a dispassionate virtuous love, similar to platonic.

Storge is natural affection, like that felt by parents for children, or little ones for granny.

Agape – is an all-inclusive unconditional love. This is the one widely used in religious teachings. To have agape is to see all people doing the best they can with the light they've got. Agape is not spoken about. It's a space you rest in, a state of being that is pure uninhibited love. Someone in this state is not looking for a return on the investment. In fact they don't see it as an investment at all. This is remarkable compassion. 

Life is a miraculous occurrence. Billions of years had to go just right to produce you & I. 

The weather had to remain stable long enough for us not to get caught in a freeze or violent explosion. Species had to be fought & won. The evolution of the modern human, some 200,000 years in the making had to go accordingly & is going accordingly. What a glorious mistake if we are indeed an accident in nature! But so be it. I am that I am. This is what it is. & it works in mysterious ways; giving life, love or just delivering the mail at just the right moment to make us appreciate the magic. Each one of us is responsible for the ripple, even if we never leave the house. 

Life is but a dream. No one knows just why we are here & what the point is but we have figured out so far that it's based on having experiences. We all get to have a wonderful time, even if it is limited, to dance & play out here on the surface of the earth, on the side of the rock, & thankfully we're not sliding down to the bottom or being flung off the side of it as it spins around the galaxy.

When was the last time you sat & thanked gravity for the rain? The wonderful time is obviously introduced in so many different ways across the plains. Our parents & theirs before them set into motion where you would dance & how you might do it. From early on we became conditioned beings. 

But we are water & light & that is all. This is why the dawn of spring moves us so. 

Flowers are nothing but water & light. Our food is solely water and light. According to the human genome, everyone on this planet is 99.9% identical. Only the slightest variation in our genes makes us appear different. We even rock the same chemical happenings in us as a banana. You are light. So when you're out there, look to others with your light & welcoming gratitude & appreciation, & see them as doing the best they can with the light they've got. & maybe toss out a smile. 

Holy guacamole! Who's the author of this generally positive post?! Was it truly crafted by our perpetually depressed homeboy?! 

I used to think that the universe is a random chaotic sequence of meaningless events. But I see now that there is reason & purpose to all things. 

There are times when you'll lose sight of your purpose, & you'll have to search for it. But if you can't find it again, then what you need is to seek out a new purpose.