A forgotten shade of life

A fortnight ago, I received a perculiar message from an old acquaintance whom I haven't seen in almost a decade over on facebook. It was truly baffling & comical that I felt I had to return from my hiatus & post about it. 

This particular reprobate claimed that they saw me the week before with my wife & two kids. If you're wondering, yes, I am ridiculing this dirtbag of a human being.

It's one thing to actually cross paths with me in the wild, as sightings of me in public are considered extremely rare, but to confidently assume a man like me could have his own family is ludicrous.
I don't blame the guy for making such a terrible error, though. I don't think anyone outside of my small group of close friends even knows what I look like these days. Be that as it may, how in the world could you mistake someone else for me? It's beyond my comprehension. I have a memorably grotesque face. Plus I do not have the ability to reproduce. I'm impotent due to all the antidepressants I've been taking since I was 20. No woman in this world would ever consider marrying me. But I'm not too bumped about it. It's not like I was getting any action before anyway.

Little known fact: I tell my colleagues that I’m impotent on the first week so that the women would leave me alone. Females in this country are business oriented. They’re all about starting families, therefore if I reveal this little bit of detail about myself from the get go, they’ll immediately rule me out as a potential partner. Besides,
I barely find anybody attractive. I rarely feel an affection for anyone. When I do, I fall deep so hard it's ridiculous, but it hardly ever happens. It's not like I'm an absolute specimen or anything. People have pointed out my face looks like I'm permanently riding a fast roller coaster. Someone even once said I looked like an opened autopsy. 

Another necessary lie that I disclose to people at work is that I have a twin brother. This is so that when I see them outside, I don’t have to talk to them or even acknowledge them. & when they ask about my twin, what’s he doing or where he went to school, I’ll just say I don’t want to talk about him & then stare at them like I’m looking directly at the sun.

Get this, peeps. The exact place he told me he saw me was at a sushi bar. If you know me, though I'm not someone anyone knows, I'm not a fan of sushi. Sushi restaurants are known to employ hypnotic suggestion in order to lull their target into this false belief that their food is filling. Often times, you leave sushi restaurants more hungry than when you arrived. It's diabolical.
Admittedly, spewing such harsh words would invite accusations of being wilfully abstruse, or a jackass, & therefore might not be in keeping with the portrait of the man I've painted myself for which I am known. & that is a kind, polite, amiable & truthful gentleman. I'm nothing if not introspective & thoughtful.
I understand humans would rather be lied to than be hurt with the truth. It's simply absurd to me, but did I mention I'm also an accepting man? Overlooking other people's flaws is one of my main strengths. So rest assured sushi enthusiasts, I won't lambast you guys any further.
I do appreciate the concept of sushi bars however. Having a meal with someone at a table can be a little too much for someone who is socially awkward, or maybe it's just me, but having a meal at a bar is a grand idea. You don't even have to look at the other person, & they definitely won't have to look at me eating sloppily. I just have to use my peripheral vision when we're conversing or attempt the occasional side glances.

Fact is, I'm more of a fast food junkie. The Burger King joint near my house is my favorite place to go to. Their slogan, 'have it your way,' is absolutely convenient. Whenever I'm there, I always tell the clerks to throw everybody else out, & they have no choice but to listen. If cops are ever called to welfare check me, it'll be because I haven't visited the establishment to purchase cheese fries for a few days, & the manager is worried.

The idea of settling down terrifies me. Why would anyone want to get married in their 20's? From what I gather, the more one sees of life before marriage, the more one learns. Once you're married, what can you learn? I don't want to get married until I'm at least 40. I haven't been much of a conformist in any case.
& you guys should be thankful I'm not able to have kids. All my children would be little hellspawns.

If you're wondering if I've stopped writing, I haven't. I still write every day. I just stopped posting. I might do a back log one of these days, if I feel like it. Otherwise this is all you're getting for now.

I google "signs I'm going insane" at least twice a week just to prove to the voices in my head that I'm not going insane.