Wooo

It's that time of the year again. The time when we sit & simply blast Justin Bieber's Christmas album on repeat 8 hours daily, for 6 days straight. Oh, have you heard? Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate. Turns out Michael Jackson was the least creepy man in show business. The other thing, self pleasuring in front of women? How? I don't even have the courage to ask the women I like for dates. I go to great lengths so women will never see my genitals. Not even my future wife will have this honor, no exceptions. Honestly, what is wrong with men these days? Here's their standard move according to most of the women who have come out. "Look, I'm going to get in the shower & i want you to watch me nude." Listen, I'm a man, in case you didn't know. Yea. So if you saw me naked, you'd throw up. There is no woman on this planet that wants to see me naked, & is going to get aroused. It's illogical. What is up with the...

I lost my favorite red hat. The same one I wore to my first ever job interview in two-oh-oh-six. This was about the time when I spent three whole hours perusing articles about the difference between a kangaroo & a wallaby. Australia is a sorcerous, reverse land where the toilets flush backwards & vegemite sandwiches are hotcakes. Vegemite smells musky like a deer's underbelly. Very appetizing. Speaking of stupid animals, I went to the zoo two days ago. I spoke to all kinds of bears, monkeys, sloths, & cats. I even helped the zookeeper clean the cheetahs. They're spotless now. I have a soft spot for animals, especially ones that look like they need a hug. All day, in my head, I heard, 'I want one. Can I have one? Let’s get one.' I really wish I could. But I already have my pet garden gnome which walks around with me wherever I go. Many are clueless about this but I do my best to make up for the animals missing in my life by pretending to be one myself. I’ve a...