What I’m doing write now

The headlines of some of the celebrity tabloid magazines are preposterous!

I’ve been getting my news from the grocery store check out line when I pop in to buy soy milk or an onion or anything that I need only one of. I can't remember when I last bought a copy of the local newspaper. It seems with technology so advanced these days, you kind of wonder why they still put out hardcopies.

A few days ago, I followed through with my routine. This time, to get a tomato. Spotted lying next to the newspapers on the metal rack was a copy of 8 Days magazine. The name always confused me. There's only 7 days in a week & i think everybody knows that too. What caught my eye though was the magazine under it, called Tiger Beat. A playfully quaint name. I picked it up & read the front cover.

"5 Reasons Ariana Grande Would be the Best BFF Ever!"

Adjacent to it was the equally ridiculous 'V' magazine. What the name lacks in imagination, it more than makes up for in headline creativity so to speak.

"Who Wears Justin Bieber’s Signature Hairstyle Better? Justin or Austin?"

What?

Call me a frog in the well but I thought JB died when Selena Gomez broke up with him? I'd definitely self-mutilate if my girlfriend was Selena Gomez & she left me. & what in the world is an Austin Mahone? Is it flammable?

Do people really need this kind of information in their lives? I know I read celebrity magazines then because the absurd stories made me feel better about my life. Those rich people's lives seemed more pathetic than mine. I'd always end up laughing.

I'm sure there'll come a day when they'll craft a story of how Kim Kardashian's doctors made Kanye West new lips out of her vagina.
Till then, I figured I should post my own celebrity magazine style stories. So here are my 'true' bits of trash.


2003: "A Star Spangled Encounter of the Impractical Kind."

Wan sites his first celebrity, the adorable & yet bosomy Fiona Xie. Wan uses his tourist image capture device, back then known as the flip phone camcorder, to record Ms Xie simply walking down the streets of Toa Payoh. Wan hides behind a post office box as Fiona realizes she’s being followed. She gives both Wan & his camera an intimidating shot of her extended middle finger. Wan flees the scene a coward & has trouble enjoying "My Genie," or the video clip where she runs along Orchard Road dressed only in bikinis in the drama "The Champion," ever again.

2003: "Life is Gorgeous: Almost Another Insensible Ramble."

Wan meets Ben Affleck at a Daredevil movie premier after party presented by Nintendo. Wan tells Affleck he is a big fan. Wan is lying but takes home a free Game boy Advance from Nintendo that he gives his best friend as a birthday present.

2006: "An Untitled Overnight Adventure that Shahirwan Shouldn’t be Talking About."

Wan is introduced to the stage by Hilary Duff, the emcee for the jingle-all-the-jam-a-thon-the-new-year sponsored by local radio station 91.3fm where Wan pushed his left cheek into Hilary Duff’s personal space. In front of 5,000 people, Hilary felt opposed to decline the option to kiss Wan's rosy cheek exciting both the audience & Wan’s libido for a stunning two & half seconds. After the show, Hilary Duff was seen leaving without Wan. Sources say their two second relationship was over & done with before it began. Wan is quoted to have not washed his face since the two split. Wan has been unavailable for comment ever since.

2010: "Airport Shoe Stimulation."

Ryan Cabrera invites Wan to his hotel room after his first & only concert in Singapore. Wan is still reeling in disbelief. This is due to the fact that he just experienced the song "On The Way Down" being played live a few minutes ago. Wan meets RC's friends including Sara Wee, who sang "True" with Cabrera earlier, but only after he has been introduced to Jack Daniels.
One of Mr Cabrera's friends then proceeded to tell Wan how he needed to take a crap but would love to return for a photo opportunity. Mark, a former kindergarten teacher, executes the #2 with godspeed & expert precision & returns promptly for photographs with Wan. Wan somewhat feels like a minor celebrity. He lets that get in over his head a little. He lets Jack Daniels in his head even more. Sources say Wan was slurring his words & added no memorable substance or insightful meaning to the gathering. Rumor has it, he was thrown out of the room after he tried kissing teen heartthrob Ryan. A spokesman for Cabrera confirms this. Wan never saw the photos taken that night. Wan & Daniels is reported to have not spoken to each other since. No further reports on whether or not Sara enjoyed Ryan, or whether Wan enjoyed Sara or whether Sara enjoyed Wan. Wan did however enjoy Mark's Pokemon championship tales & the homemade popcorn, & remark later that it was all well worth it.

Don't forget this month's MAGAZINE PULL - OUT - POSTER on the next page! Check out the hot poster of Shahirwan rummaging through the trash.


2012: "Shahirwan is Still Very Stupid & Annoying!"

Wan introduces himself to tv actress Julie Tan. He says, "Hi, I’m Wan. & you are?" pretending to not know who she is. She says, "...Julie," confirming his infantile stupidity & mediocrity once again.


2015, on Facebook messenger: "What’s Going On(line)?"

Wan receives a personal message from a girl who he hasn't seen since secondary school. Shakira, a native of New Mexico, moved here with her family when she was 10. Her father had decided to open a southeast asian restaurant chain in Singapore called "CUCUMBRERO," an amalgamation of the words cucumber & sombrero. Very clever word play indeed. She is once believed to be linked to mafia related activities, vowing to protect & serve her family restaurant’s ancient pasta recipe & ‘Special Sauce'. This is established by Wan himself, whom Shakira confided to. She still regrets the decision as Wan wasn't able to retain to his promise of 'keeping it to himself.'
The message reads "Hey Shahirwan. How are you?"
Wan drafts eleven different iterations of a response but ultimately can't settle on one he seriously likes so he just says "haha. Then what?" Wan goes on to wait for a reply ever since but it never comes. Wan's current social status rates as one of the most uninteresting in the world based on his hit & miss ratio, thanks largely to the misses.
Wan pins his last hopes for redemption by asking her out for some Tacos & Mojitos yesterday. Wan seriously is an incompetent fool.

Shout outs to all the dysfunctional celebrities out there!